My toxic parents &my husband

[lovenotwar149]

So I have gone no contact with my abusive dad since last sept. I have tried to have a relationship with my mum still albeit far more distant. She too is very manipulative and toxic but she's 83 and my mum. The contact with her is far far less. Since Feb this yr, we decided to go out for a meal once a month. I dont visit their home anymore because of the situation with my dad. Feb meal went well as did the meal in March. I say well, she did keep bringing up conversations, as she does, that we had agreed not to talk about, but I kinda let them go. Last Monday (a wk ago) we went out for our April meal. I smelt a rat from the beginning whilst deciding where to go. She was back to her ways. Having agreed to go out alone with me once a month since Feb to nurture our relationship aside from what is going on with me and my dad, and accept the situation as it is with me and my dad, she was horrid to me. Guilt tripped the f* out of me. By the end I was broken and cried my heart out in the restaurant. To which she said rather sternly "stop making. scene." well in a way I am glad it happened , I tried to have relationship with her alone, (the one with my dad is OVER, I won't tolerate his abuse anymore.) but she showed her true colours and was so cruel with her words. 2 days later my husband gets a msg to go over to her house and fix her toilet. My hubby did think it was a manipulative ploy by her (typical of her when she doesn't win) but my issue is....he went anyway!! No mention to her about Monday's upsetting event. I was sooo upset. We have slept apart sine then. He said..."they're old and they need help." I feel like he is not rooting for me AT ALL. At the very least I think he might have said something on the lines of...."this is difficult for me. She (me) was in floods of tears after lunch out with you on Monday, I dont want to get into what happened , that's between the 2 of you, but whilst the situation is as it is, I can't do jobs for you," People.....do u hear me???? Am I missing something?????

You were never actually going to be able to have a relationship with a woman as toxic as your mother is either, let alone your dad whom you are already NC with. Note also that she is still with him; they are most unlikely to leave each other also because they get what they want out of their codependent, abusive and otherwise dysfunctional relationship they have.

You are going to have to ask yourself why you continued to have any form of contact with her given how she has behaved because your own reasons do not at all stack up either. Maybe your FOG had a lot to do with it; fear, obligation and guilt but FOG will cloud your decision making and you probably thought she had really changed because you saw good behaviour from her. Her age is no excuse either; she was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. She's basically set you up good and proper here into doing something really nasty to you. She's maintained a semblance of respectability towards you but now the real her has again emerged; that "nice" act of hers was just that and one she could never hope to at all maintain. You have to really now let go of any and all residual hope that toxic people like your mother can change.

Your H made an error of judgment to say the least when he decided to go over there to fix their toilet and his reasons for going do not really hold up under scrutiny either. Is he a plumber because if not you need to question why she asked him. She asked him because she knows he is the weak link in the chain here (she's contacted him directly) and such otherwise kind and sensible people can be all too easily manipulated.

Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to your parents and the two of you should have applied far firmer and consistent boundaries re your mother.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about your mother. Where do you two go from here?. You absolutely need to present a united front; she cannot be allowed to tear the two of you apart. Have a look also at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

said rather sternly "stop making. scene." well in a way I am glad it happened , I tried to have relationship with her alone, (the one with my dad is OVER, I won't tolerate his abuse anymore.) but she showed her true colours and was so cruel with her words

Yes I understand what you mean there. It's like a big relief when you know your heart is done. She had to show her true colours for you to get there.

Yes your DH invalidated you didn't he. Not good, and after everything you're been through. Be careful who you pity I say. He felt sorry for your mum and it seems like she manipulated him and he fell for it and should have resisted - and focussed on you. Supported you.

Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated. I will reflect further.

Take @AttilaTheMeerkat good advice.

Your husband has badly let you down, and he needs to know it.

Loyalty in a marriage is very important.

You need to help yourself.

You can continue to allow your mother also abuse you, or you can step away.

Whilst you have ANY contact with either of them, you will be abused.

It really is that simple.

Her age is of no consequence.

She is abusive, just like your father.

Step away from them BOTH, if you wish to protect yourself.

Your husband needs to decide what is more important, helping out your abusers or being loyal to his wife.

Block their numbers and step away.

It sounds difficult but people do it all the time.

They are happy with the peace and calm their choice brings them.

The ball is in your court.

Personally I see no point in remaining married to a person who isn't loyal to you.

thank you billy1966. Your words are ....very straightforward. I like that in a person VERY much so!!

Your husband absolutely needs to be on your side and supporting you 100%. We are NC with my entire family and with a family member of dh's. He is completely on board and supports the decision in every way. That's the only way it can be. They can find someone else to fix the loo, or they can reach out to someone who can help them find someone. Ultimately, it does them no good to keep playing the game if you want to stop.

thanks! I have had a chat with my hubby about this again today. He said....
he finds it hard to appreciate how 'abusive' they are. Whilst he does see and is well aware of my dad's rage and my mums manipulative ploys as we have been married for over 30 yrs, he hasn't ever experienced overtly abusive parents. How family set is is so opposite to mine. There is minimal contact and its very formal and respectable. He did say...if you dont want me toes your parents again I won't...but he says that has to be your call. What do ppl think about that?

I want him to not want to see them ...is that asking too much from him? Its like he wants ME to make the decision b/c he hasn't got the balls to do it himself. His family DO NO do confrontation AT ALL

I think it is your decision though - to simply say we are going no contact now with both of them. No more contact full stop

Let me speak plainly😁.

Your husband does not have to understand how abusive your parents have been towards you.

Your husband doesn't have to understand what abuse within a childhood looks like.

You are asking him to be loyal to you.

It is very sad that he does not understand loyalty and what it looks like.

I am married 30 years and I would be appalled in your place.

It would really affect how I looked at my husband.

It would change how I viewed him.

Your husband sounds a bit dim.
Is he?

He wants you to tell him not to visit people who abused you?

You poor woman.

Abusive parents and a weak disloyal husband.

You deserve better.

I think some counselling would be very good for you.

You deserve so much better from those that surround you.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

billy1966 I think you are right on the money to be quite honest. You sound strong and I am getting there. My boundaries are getting stronger and stronger...with my husband too. I can't disagree with what you say..it is appalling that he is acting disloyal. It is weak. I think both my hubby and I have had a strong people pleasing trait but I have become much less people pleasing and over the last few yrs I have become MUCH more assertive and much more willing to state what is NOT OK behaviour for me. He ,however, still needs approval from others so isn't able to do this with other people. It is sad. I can't say I respect him for this weakness. I do however KNOW he isn't intentionally hurting me. (Well I have decided to believe this..I could be mistaken I guess.) It also goes against his Christian upbringing to not help your elderly parents.
Some months ago I told my parents I didn't want any money gifts from them anymore. They would give me a cheque for xmas and my birthday. I did this because their 'gift' came with conditions. My hubby , when he received a cheque from them for his birthday also didn't cash it in. That felt like we were united tbh.

He isn't dim...far from it but he finds it very difficult to say no topple if they ask for his help

The thing is, you are giving him mixed messages.

If people are that toxic to you and you still keep seeing them, he must assume it's just something you tolerate ind intend to keep putting up with.

If you raise your bar, make it clear you are done with it and ask for his support, hopefully he'll be right with you on that.

Well you need to spell YOUR expectations out to him.

You need to tell him that when you perceive him to be disloyal to you, that it damages your marriage, your respect and your feelings towards HIM.

Spell it out.

"When YOU choose to behave like this, I feel like that."

On a loop.

Let there be zero ambiguity and room for him to misunderstand what you expectfrom him.

Point it out every time.

What does his Christian beliefs say about honouring your wife?

Does it say honour your wife's abusers, causing her anguish and distress?

Good for you for working on your assertiveness.

You owe your parents nothing.

They will die.

It would be such a shame if you no longer love and respect your husband because of his confusion on what loyalty to your wife means.

I agree with @Pinkbonbon you have given him mixed messages and the fact that yours mums 80 odd, I think it shows he can seperate emotion from just being a kind person.

It is up to you to be clear what you want. Then if he goes against that, then that's a different argument.

And it is hard for people that haven't experienced parental abuse to understand it. I've had so many people ask me why I don't speak to my mum, and surely I should be doing and encouraging a relationship with my so, it's my mum and apparently I'll regret it when she dies. However I wouldn't be angry at my hubby for helping her if she needed it, I'd actually be more angry if he got involved in my relationship with her.

Are you sure you're not taking your anger and disappointment from your mum, out on your husband.

I agree with @Pinkbonbon's point.

Thanks for your comments, I will think on these points further

We had a lovely chat last night...I unfit showed him your messages and he was quite happy to read them and discuss them with me. (Thank the Lord...deep down I am SURE I haven't married a man like my father even though as a little girl I kept saying I want to marry my dad...yuk!!!) He has been open to see this viewpoint...i.e. it showed lack of loyalty to me etc and he thinks it best not to go there anymore and in his own words said that if he is asked by either one of my parents to go over there for whatever reason he will say something on the lines of......"with the situation being what it is between you both and your daughter, I'm not able to come over anymore." I believe he will do this and for now I'll take that happily. Thank you all again for your comments...much appreciated :)

unfit?? Typo

between you both and your daughter, I'm not able to come over anymore." I believe he will do this and for now I'll take that happily
That sounds good😊

It sounds as if matters are resolving, which is very positive.
I can understand your husband's qualms, given his Christian upbringing, and "Honour thy father and thy mother" is indeed a fine principle to follow.
In a happy, functional family, being kind and supportive to parents and one's spouse should not be mutually exclusive.
However, if he wavers, you could gently remind him of the biblical teaching that, when he married, he was supposed to "cleave only unto you", "forsaking all others", as you had become "one flesh".
Also, St. Paul in his epistles, admonishes parents not to drive their children to distraction!

That's a good reminder...thanks!

That sounds very postive OP.
Wishing you well.

Excellent post @twoshedsjackson 😁