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Original poster

Overlap in relationships.

23 replies

Overthinkingcrazylady · 24/04/2023 13:57

I have been with my partner 3 yrs! Things are good atm but havent always been smooth sailing. I recently found out that he was seeing another woman at the very beginning of our relationship. I thought we were exclusive but apparently not. He was seeing her for the first 3 months of our "relationship" then ended it once he realised he loved me.
I was married before I started seeing him so dating was new to me.
Question is do i have a right to be upset and now feel a little untrusting or is this not a big deal and actually quite normal for dating these days (to have an overlap). I tend to over think things and I don't trust my own judgement..

OP posts:
IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 24/04/2023 13:59

He cheated on you!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2023 14:00

Had you had a conversation with him about "are you seeing anyone else" or had you just assumed?

RavenclawLuna · 24/04/2023 14:00

It would really depend to be honest. Of course you have every right to be untrusting, but did you have the exclusive talk prior to you being exclusive?

You have every right to your feelings, but you can't really project them onto him if there wasn't any chat about exclusivity.

Chocolateisnice · 24/04/2023 14:00

He cheated, even if it was at the beginning of your relationship he wasn't honest!! I would be very annoyed.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 24/04/2023 14:01

I saw multiple people until we had the " are we serious" conversation. Not sex just dating. If he was sleeping with you both then that's not on.

dietcokelime · 24/04/2023 14:07

"I thought we were exclusive but apparently not"

that jumps out at me - if you hadn't had the chat about not seeing / sleeping with other people and both confirmed you were only seeing each other, then it's sort of fair game. It's quite common for people to date / sleep with several people at once before becoming exclusive with one - at least in my experience, if you were previously married (depending how long for) your default would probably be one person only at a time rather than the other option which is multiple.

samestyle · 24/04/2023 14:11

it's not like it was an overlap of a date or two it was 3 months! and if you agreed you were exclusive then it's cheating, he would of been sleeping with her at the same time.

rogueone · 24/04/2023 14:13

so he cheated for 3 mths? Nope i wouldn't be happy with that, surely if you are in a relationship you would have talked about whether you were seeing others or not. Sounds like he was keeping his options open initially

Blackbirdblue30 · 24/04/2023 14:13

I had this experience except on the other side- my ex started seeing someone else when we were together a few months, then pretended to be poly (they're not), but ultimately picked the other woman. I didn't know about or consent to seeing other people, in fact I actually said I wasn't ok with other sexual partners, so imo that was/is cheating. It depends on if the other woman was truly ok with it, and I wouldn't trust anyone's word but hers.

Original poster
Overthinkingcrazylady · 24/04/2023 14:34

It's difficult cause we were exclusive but not in a relationship as such. He was sleeping with me consistently but only slept with her once (she confirmed) but the dates, phone calls, msgs lasted the 3months. So I guess he was exclusive in a way but I'm more hurt about the emotional connection I feel they shared.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 24/04/2023 14:35

Overthinkingcrazylady · 24/04/2023 14:34

It's difficult cause we were exclusive but not in a relationship as such. He was sleeping with me consistently but only slept with her once (she confirmed) but the dates, phone calls, msgs lasted the 3months. So I guess he was exclusive in a way but I'm more hurt about the emotional connection I feel they shared.

You were exclusive. He clearly wasn't.

crossstitchingnana · 24/04/2023 14:35

I would be upset by this. Why has he told you now?

Original poster
Overthinkingcrazylady · 24/04/2023 14:40

He didn't tell me, I found out but he has confirmed it and the woman also has. He swears we hadn't had the exclusive talk but I I'm 100% sure we did have the talk. In fact I have msgs discussing it 1 month into our relationship and it was him who suggested it.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 14:42

Why do you think your feelings have to conform to some sort of normal? You thought you were exclusive and discovered you weren't, and it feels crap. You need to respect that, and he needs to respect that. Who decides if you're right or wrong in your feelings? Who decides if you're right to like broccoli or wrong to hate golf? Who decides what your feelings should be?

BranchGold · 24/04/2023 14:54

So he raised the issue of exclusivity after one month, suggesting that it was what he wanted?

Then he definitely cheated on you. That sucks op.

BranchGold · 24/04/2023 14:54

How did you find out?

YukoandHiro · 24/04/2023 14:55

Depends if you had the chat and checked if either of you were seeing anyone else.

YukoandHiro · 24/04/2023 14:56

So have you shown him the messages? What does he say?

C1N1C · 24/04/2023 15:07

Americans have this thing that basically you're not exclusive until you agree you're exclusive. My attitude is if you're dating, you're exclusive until it fails. Seems like he's one and you're the other.

I guess it depends what you count as a dealbreaker...

Opentooffers · 24/04/2023 15:22

He deceived you for 2 months after having the exclusivity chat that he had the audacity to bring up himself.
If the sex with her occured after he'd had sex with you, it should absolutely be game over.
Given that he is now gaslighting you about the lack of an understanding, which you have proof of otherwise, I'd challenge him on that and show him the message you have, then dump, because it looks like he's lying in preference to showing remorse, so that's another reason he is still untrustworthy presently.

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 15:23

Americans have this thing that basically you're not exclusive until you agree you're exclusive. My attitude is if you're dating, you're exclusive until it fails. Seems like he's one and you're the other

I think this is it. It's not about right or wrong, it's about what you want or don't want to see in your partner's behaviour.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 24/04/2023 16:04

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 15:23

Americans have this thing that basically you're not exclusive until you agree you're exclusive. My attitude is if you're dating, you're exclusive until it fails. Seems like he's one and you're the other

I think this is it. It's not about right or wrong, it's about what you want or don't want to see in your partner's behaviour.

Yeah my partner laughed when I raised it and said of course we are. I had to say sorry I've been dating others 😭 let me sort that out. This was about 4 months in. No sex yet just dinner etc.

Sarahbumdaa · 24/04/2023 16:17

Myself and my partner had couples counselling. The counselor said to me there is often overlap in relationships. He said if you love each other and want to be together then can u work through it. We did but my partner knows I wouldn't except anything else like this.

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