Do you think a man would resist cheating if he really liked the potential OW

[Capaldifan94]

I've name changed for this as its personal and I don't usually post on the relationships board.

Toward the end of last year whilst we were on a temporary separation (intended to be permanent but we ended up back together after) my partner of 6 years met somebody through work, she doesn't actually work with him but a sister company so their paths cross during collabs. A brief fling of a couple of months ensued.

Long story short she caught feelings for him but him and I decided to give it another try. He didn't tell me about her at first as he thought i wouldnt want him back. She wanted to continue seeing him but he felt torn and guilty. He chose to get back with me and told her it had to end, so he did the right thing.

Only I've seen the texts between them. Her saying she's really sad as she felt that they connected, him saying they did connect and it was way more than just sex, her feelings were mutual and apparently they are so alike and have so much in common they're like the same person. He just felt so bad and torn he didn't want to mess her about as she's too great a person for that.

That really stung to read as he'd never said anything like that to me 😔

I asked if he liked her alot and he said "yeah a bit, but I love you"

So she has blocked him but I can't put it out of my mind. If he liked her as much as he told her he did is it just a matter of time before he goes back? Can you switch off your feelings just like that?

He was possibly trying to make her feel better about being dumped. He shouldn't have said those things if he didn't mean them, but I doubt he would have given her up if he really loved her.

Of course you can.

look he was just filling time and he wanted some sex. Women are more emotional and they believe that’s the true love story, so to get the sex the man plays along and says that it’s a great love story. He does not see her as marriage material where is he sees you as that. What he’s really saying is that he loves her enough to bed her. In man speak. And then he’s trying to do it in the nicest possible way so that he can he keep his options open should things with you fail. That sounds coming, but you guys did break up so he’s got some reason to believe that you may or may not work out. And although the other one wasn’t 100% maybe she was a good 70. I just would not think about the lovey-dovey shit too much. It can destroy yr mind. I will focus on why I really want to be with this guy anything good enough for me. I will make sure that I’m not just getting back together with him because it’s comfortable. Good luck

Thank you! I'm glad he was decent enough not to be cruel about ending things but I really wish he'd stuck to the basics just said its over because the lovey dovey stuff is what's playing on my mind. I can move past the sex as technically he hasn't done anything wrong with that even though I didn't go on to sleep with anybody else myself.

Would anyone else struggle to put it out of mind? I'm just worried that it'll be there niggling all of the time

What do you think your feelings are for, @Capaldifan94 ? Why do we have feelings in the first place?

I'm not sure I understand the question?

I don't know how else to put it. Do you think they are just random, spurious impulses that get in the way of us doing things, or do you think they have a purpose of some kind?

@Capaldifan94 you asked if you can switch your feelings off. @Watchkeys was asking, why would you? We have feelings for a reason. They are what helps us decide what is right and wrong. What our boundaries are, in your case, and how we chose to live. Some things bother one person, whilst not bothering someone else at all. But, your feelings are yours and valid.
With regards to your post though, only you can decide if its a deal breaker. If, since that 3 month period, and other than finding this out, all is wonderful..can you accept that he blurred those lines? And move on. Or..are your boundaries drawn there? In which case, it won't ever leave, and whenever you feel vulnerable, trust me, you'll bring this up and you will doubt him.

It depends how you look at it I suppose, he's probably trying to make her feel better about the situation rather than used and cast aside, it's not actually the kindest way to do it but he might have thought it was. He could have also genuinely really liked her but loves you more, in which case you could take comfort from it. Either way the crux is you have to choose what you're content with; if you don't know if you can move past him seeing someone whilst you were broken up then perhaps it ended the first time for a reason? If you're sure you want to give it another go then I think you need to talk to him and get your head around your feelings in order to move forward.

He could well have really liked her, and I think that's fine. Once the possibility of getting back with you arose, he chose you. Because you are more important to him.

He didn't want the girl to feel like it was meaningless between them, because it wasn't. So he didn't want her to feel bad and like she was used. But he's chosen to be back with you, because you're who he ultimately wants to be with.

If communication were to continue or he crossed over the line into leading her on, rather than closing a chapter, then I would rethink. But at the moment, it sounds ok I think.

I don't think it's permanent, if he had feelings for her it was because he was trying to move on.

He chose to work things out with you even though you'd already broken up so presumably things weren't working but he still saw that potential as more important than his new relationship.
If he wanted her and she was the one on his mind he'd be with her not you.

I think this only exists in your mind now and he's long moved on and you can too, she's the one who's hurt and that's not nice but you have your man and you're future, don't waste it worrying about this or she will be only too pleased to take your place and he'd be making do, she'd be second best and you'd be alone wishing things were different.