Advice about future issues if you have been in this situation please

[Mightyouandiconfabulate]

My mother is in her 70’s. Is due heart surgery within the next 6 months or so. On a waiting list, could be any time.
She may or may not recover ok, you never know with these things.
She has a will, she has funeral plans, all very organised and prepared for all eventualities.

The problem is my sister.
I cannot even begin to explain to you how horrific this individual is. She poisons even the most innocent, nice situation with her nastiness and vitriol.

This is definitely going to be a huge issue.
Obviously my mother is going to need support (shopping/cooking/cleaning) post operatively and I won’t be able to do this alone.
I do not want to have any contact with this sister who will need to help out.

If my mother dies, it won’t be an issue as I simply won’t have any contact at all with her. (Mother doesn’t want a funeral, straight to be cremated)

Im planning on organising with my mother to go maybe 4 or 5 times a week to do her shopping and meals, I can do her laundry and help her shower for eg. I will ask her to arrange similar on alternate days to me with my sister.

Before anyone says “your poor mum stuck in the middle” unfortunately my sister is the product of our mother who has always been an extremely difficult woman. I got away at a young age and carved out my own happiness with complete distance from them.
It’s now she is older that I have very limited contact because due to her nature, she now doesn’t have a single soul other than us in the world who has anything to do with her.

I can’t not support her in any way I can, I can’t see her alone. BUT this will be made hell on earth by this sister.

Is there anything else I can be doing to keep the peace and plan to make it more tolerable?

You just need to treat it as a job.
With a difficult work colleague.

Arrange alternative days.
Keep all communication with sister via messages in writing.

You are being a saint.

You have got away from them. This is just a job.

Actually that is brilliant advice Froz, I can do that, I can so do that.

I have deleted her messages because they are just poison and nasty so I can’t even deal with her in writing.
It needs to be between my mother and her. I need to have absolutely nothing to do with her.

"I'm planning on organising with my mother to go maybe 4 or 5 times a week to do her shopping and meals, I can do her laundry and help her shower for eg. I will ask her to arrange similar on alternate days to me with my sister".

How far away do you live from your mother?. Even if it is a short distance the above is a surefire way of developing carer burnout and that will lead you into having no time to call your own (and in the meantime your own real life rumbles on around you). I would contact the Social Services department of her local council in the first instance.

Your sister is not obliged to help out in any way and it may well be she decides to leave all her mother's ongoing care needs to you. You also should not feel obligated to provide such a level of care (that may not be needed) just because she is your mother and given that she and your sister are very similar to each other.

I would also read and or post on the "Elderly Parents" forum on here as this could be very useful to you.

Both my sister and I live less than 10 minutes away, we both work full time.

We managed ok when my mother had knee surgery a few years ago. My sister definitely will help out and do her share. Definitely.

Granted I did have to ask her to do more because I had 2 young kids and worked day and night shifts, she had one much older child snd worked 9-4 every day, which she did straight away taking the pressure off me.

we have another sister who lives a few hours away but can come and stay for a couple of weeks to help out. I don’t have her contact details but my mother will sort that out.

My mother will not accept any outside help at all.

It’s something we will have to just get on with. Best we can.

As a pp said, treat it like a job. Plus get in there first. Just say to your Mum.
I can come in Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday am. I'll be with you at x time and I'll do x. Can you let my ds know so she can work around it. If she can't let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Then of your ds comes back with, well I can only do Monday, Wednesday and Friday (which I'm sure she will if she's that kind of person), just say you'll do Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes just dropping the rope and not getting into an argument is the best way. If your ds then starts fucking around on days, simply tell your dm you'll be in on the days agreed and she'll have to sort other days out herself. You're not her nurse maid or paid help, you're doing it out the goodness of your heart. If she's going to be a twat about it just walk away

Sounds good.
There’s not much else I can do.

Can you get a wall calendar to keep at your mum's? You could fill in the days and times you can go and your siblings can do the same. It's then up to your mum to arrange to fill in any gaps with them

It's likely there would be a social services assessment before DM is discharged. I know you said she won't accept outside help but if you make it clear like a PP suggested that you can do 2-3 days say, then DM will just have to suck it up, do without or accept help. Given the history she's lucky to have you around at all!

Wall calendar is also a cracking suggestion, thank you. I will get one in readiness and tell my mum that I will put it where she can see it to see who is coming and at what time each day.

I am not sure about the recovery after such invasive heart surgery in the following weeks/months so not sure about how much help and the timeline of that help required.
She is pretty fit usually (does her own shopping/cleaning/gardening/decorating)

First off, if 'away' sister can come to stay, get her to come for the immediate post op period. Then while she's in situ, you negotiate the rest of the recovery period by means of the calendar at your mother's house. This way you're not trying to sort it out while mum is immediately post-op; it also gives a breather to see how well she's recovering and how long you'll need to split duties.

Good luck xx

You say your mum won't accept any outside help, but does that just refer to her personal care, or would she accept a gardener/cleaner possibly? I'm fairly sure Mum got some kind of financial assistance for that, although I could be wrong.

I only ask because my sister and I had to care for our mother after various operations- quadruple heart bypass, hip replacements and so on- and although it was some years ago now I can remember being exhausted just by the personal care and shopping demands. We couldn't have done much in the way of cleaning and gardening for sure.

I would also suggest getting her to give you a weekly shopping list that you can do online and have delivered (for a time when you're there). We used to get ad hoc texts demanding things that weren't easily available (or the text appeared just after a shopping trip so we had to go back out). All these 'little' things add up, time-wise.

As regards to divvying up with your sister- I second/third PPs suggestions of calendar/wall chart/similar.

My Dad has a heart bypass and was out of action for a few weeks after he came home from hospital. He could just about make a cuppa but that was it really, he was really tired and would be breathless if he walked from his bedroom to the sofa. I stayed with him the first week, my brother the second and I did the third. He was ok after that as he's got a lot of friends close by who wanted to help and a great support structure.

We will be doing her shopping when we do ours, either me or dh.

I am away with work a lot so dh will go when it’s “my day” he’s brilliant like that.

I will try to work my calendar so I’m around more and not away with work so much.
I will try to get her to get “away” sister over for the first 2 weeks after she is home,

If I’m away for work, dh will also do bits of cleaning, take her a meal or make her something to eat.

He works from home but also does 95% of the childcare including after school activities (swimming/football) so don’t want to ask too much of him but I know he will be very willing. He gets on well with my mother.
It will be ok I think.

Fingers crossed!