Can't believe she is still doing this

[windowdoor]

NC outing.

I just need somewhere to go with these thoughts and have nowhere else.
I’m 24. I have no contact with my father. I have no siblings. I have no partner and no friends who can really understand.

My mum just isn’t who I needed her to be. I’ve never felt loved by her or comforted when I’m sad. I’ve never been allowed to cry in front of her, because I’m ruining her day and stressing her out – if I’m having a bad day, it’s ‘how do you think I feel’. I have been a 12 year old putting her high, swearing mother to bed because there was no one else around to do it. I’ve been told I look better thinner repeatedly over years (I’m a healthy BMI), despite explaining that I was only ever skinny because I hated myself and wasn’t eating. I’ve lived with many of her boyfriends, none of which lasted and some of whom I was thrown out alongside – accused of ‘siding with him’ when I’d done nothing. Every mistake I’ve made is thrown back at me when I least need to hear it – like when I’m crying my heart out over an assignment that didn’t go how I wanted, I’ll hear ‘oh you’ll fail your degree again will you then?’ (because I dropped out due to severe mental health issues when I was younger – she deems that failing). If someone slights me and I’m heartbroken, I should’ve known not to trust them in the first place and it’s somehow my fault. I’m ‘terrible with money’ for the rest of my life because I once forgot to pay a bill when I was 19. When I was struggling with very dark thoughts at 22, she turned it on to her again and shouted at me – I felt I had nowhere to go so stayed in my car all night. She knew I’d gone and didn’t call.

I have never once, not one time felt secure and like I had anyone to depend on. Never had any stability in my formative years. So now I try my best – I’m on track to graduate. I have hobbies. I have a career lined up. But every day is so hard for me. Every little setback rocks my whole world because I have no strong foundations. I am an anxious little girl grown up and I am so terrified all the time. Sometimes it is so hard to get up in the morning and face the day.
And no matter how much I explain, she can’t see that she’s done this to me – that she continues to do it to me every time I’m stupid enough to go to her for some support and she turns it into an opportunity to remind me of everything I’ve ever done wrong. She can’t see that she needs to stop, or she’s going to drive me to somewhere I can’t get up from. I have been on my knees, crying and begging her to please understand me. To just hug me when I cry and tell me that I’m worthy and I’ll be alright – and she’s walked away to let me cry alone. I have done all I can and nothing ever gets through.

All I ever wanted is a mum who was my best friend. Who I know loves me beyond love. The stuff I read about on here. Some of you would be willing to go to war for your kids, to die for them – I am so happy for them but so sad for me. I will never feel loved ‘no matter what’. I don’t have anywhere to go to feel like everything will be ok. And it’s all I want. It’s all I ever wanted. I’d trade anything for it.
I am so alone. When it comes down to it, I will only ever have me, unconditionally, and that knowledge is such a heavy burden to carry. I don’t know how to be ok with this. It never gets easier and I am so tired.
If you read this far thank you for hearing me and I’d welcome any wise words

Hi windowdoor , I am so sorry that your mother sounds very toxic and has not been able to give you any love . You don't mention if you have any other siblings , or if it is just you.

You have done brilliantly to get where you are in life - well done . Get your degree and a good job and please leave home as soon as you can and then go no contact with your mother ( if not before ) .

You sound an amazing person who despite a very tough upbringing knows what love is and how you should have been treated . If you haven't already done so , I would also speak to your GP and try and get some therapy . There will likely be a waiting list for this or you may already be receiving some help as you mentioned past poor mental health .

If you are studying are you able to access some help through student mental health ?

I am not sure if it fits your circumstances but there is also the stately home threads on here for those with narcissistic etc parents .

You already have taken the brave step of recognising that your mother was a terrible parent . You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you and you can find love and friendship in the future . You do need to work on accepting that you deserve this - which you do in spades. Sounds corny - but you need to love yourself before anyone else can .

I hope others with more relevant experience will post . I wish you all the very best of luck in your future .

Free yourself from her.

What she thinks doesn't define you.

Your self worth isn't dictated by her.

You will, you are achieving great things. Don't let her derail you from your goals.

💐

Hi OP I have a mum who has behaved in a similar way to yours for most of my life. It has affected a lot of my decisions in a negative way. Every now and then - like this weekend funnily enough- I get very upset about it. My mum is ill with parkinsons disease but it is so hard because we don't have the mother / daughter relationship I wanted and needed. I always feel this sense of rejection from her. Being around her is really about her needs and always has been.

My craving for love has caused so many issues in my life, I have been drawn to men who do the love bombing stuff because I have become intoxicated by feeling loved even though it wasn't real love, which has led to abusive relationships.

I always feel alone. There is no reference point and no one really has my back.

No one has ever really believed in me so I've always had quite a fragile self esteem and am easily blown around, etc. You get the idea.

Its really good to get some professional therapy if you can. I did and was told I was 'very hard on myself' but more importantly that it was not my fault.

Other than that, it's best to learn how to be your own best friend. And really be there for yourself. Finding a faith has helped me.

I'm sorry op. It should have been different but your life can be happy you just need to shore yourself up and only surround yourself wirh good people.

xxx

Ps if you ever become a mum, you will be a great one because you will know what your kids need! Xx

This is very similar to my life growing up and I just wanted to tell you it can get better. I had suicidal thoughts every day from the age of about 7, was so depressed and anxious every day of my life, found everything so hard because of how my mum treated me and never thought I would be able to cope with life.
Therapy changed my life, I had lots throughout the years but you have to keep at it and be in the right place for it and it sounds like you are at that point where yiu can recognise that it is your mum that has caused the issues. Counselling helped me more than cbt, alot more. You can self refer through the nhs online.
2 things that really helped me to understand how I was feeling were-
-The depression you feel is partly you grieving for the mother and childhood you never had.
-the feelings of worthlessness come from her. If you don't feel good enough for your own mother, how can you feel good enough for anyone?

I can't tell if she has this personality disorder but if you have a read about it and it fits then a highly recommended the book 'you're not crazy, it's your mother' about narcissistic personality disorder. It helped me see it in black and white and realise that I wasn't the issue.

I promise it can get better, if someone had said this to me 5 years ago I wouldn't have believed them as it's all I had known despite medication and various therapies since the age of 18 (I'm 36 now).

I have cut my mum out of my life after several attempts to try to get her to acknowledge her behaviour but due to her personality disorder (not diagnosed but suggested by each therapist I have had) she isn't wired in a way where she can acknowledge or care about the damage she has done. Since then my constant anxiety about even the tiniest things has massively decreased BUT it's a big decision so I would say don't put pressure on yourself to work towards that just see where counselling leads you.

Xx

@windowdoor

You really don't want her to be your best friend. You want her to be a mum to you. That is what is expected.

She has not been but believe me , in the future when you graduate and get a job you hopefully like, you can sit back and think "I did ALL this!"

East for me to say go no contact. I had a normal relationship with my mum, sadly now dead, who I really miss. However, you ARE going to think about how she impacts on your life, moving forward. What is the betting if you get a great well paid job, she will come begging?

If you do not feel right going NC then choose how much time you are prepared to see her. Put yourself forward because your mum never did!

Thank you everyone who has replied so far - I was really in a bad place when I wrote it and it has helped me a little to hear some of your stories this morning.

To answer some questions.. I don't have any siblings - mum doesn't either, nor a partner, so it's really just me.

'In will never feel loved ‘no matter what’

I hear you OP. I've never felt unconditional love from my parents either. All you're asking for is to be seen and heard and valued and treated like a human being with needs. It's horrendous when your mum can't do that for you. It hurts, it bloody hurts, and it doesn't magically go away when you turn 18 or 25 or any other age

Like other posters, therapy was absolutely the way forward for me. Therapy, and going very low contact with my parents. No contact us definitely right for some people but it not for everyone. She had hurt you time and time again, and let you down so badly, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, heartbroken, and anything else that comes up for you

Please keep sharing, there are lots of us on here who get it x

Pressed send accidentally.

I have tried to access some support through uni but, like everywhere else, the waiting list is just so long. I've spoken to the NHS about it as well and the same thing. I know I desperately need therapy to talk through it all and find some ways to cope better but I worry it'll be a case of just having to get on with things until I can afford to pay for some (which I will as soon as I can).

I think she likely does have some sort of personality disorder as one of you has suggested - as another PP has said, every relationship she has is about her needs. I hear the way she speaks about her 'friends' and she doesn't really care for them, only what they can do for her. I know it's probably not really her fault she's like this - her own father was physically abusive and she didn't have much support. I just wish she'd recognized this and sought help before deciding to have me, because now I am so damaged and my life is so hard.

Thank you for saying that about if I have kids. I do worry about whether or not I should, sometimes, because I've not seen a proper mother/daughter relationship modeled. All I I do know is that I would try my hardest to be everything my own mother wasn't x

I'm also sorry that so many of you relate

@Lottapianos sometimes I try to explain to her that she's hurt me by not being there. All the time really but mostly when I've been really struggling and had no one (probably from about age 15-21 were very difficult years).

She just says she has no one either, and that I wasn't there for her. She really doesn't recognize that back then, I was a child - someone who needed support from my adult mother. I don't recall her saying she was struggling with anything but even if she had, surely it shouldn't be on a 15 year old to swallow all their problems to support their mum?

She also doesn't understand why I seem to have little patience left for her now. Why I don't seem to 'care'. So now it's even my fault that I've finally become cold towards her, after years of her emotional abandonment, lack of care and understanding and refusal to take accountability. Sometimes it's so upsetting and frustrating I just want to go outside and scream into the wind

'She just says she has no one either, and that I wasn't there for her. She really doesn't recognize that back then, I was a child - someone who needed support from my adult mother. I don't recall her saying she was struggling with anything but even if she had, surely it shouldn't be on a 15 year old to swallow all their problems to support their mum?'

You're absolutely right. She is the parent. You were (are) the child. She was supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. Your mum sounds like a very damaged person, someone who never developed past her early years emotionally, and never will. It's a very weird experience knowing this about your mother- someone who is supposed to be a support, a role model, a guiding light in your life. It sounds like she just can't do it OP. That hurts like hell, and it's shit, and it's so unfair