Hello, hoping for some advice/sense check here. Bit of a long one but I'm still pissed off, so a bit ranty.
I have a gorgeous, very bright DS, he'll be 4 in the summer. I see him as a normal little boy, full of energy, stubborn, prone to the odd tantrum etc. Very sociable and well liked at nursery.
My parenting style is pretty laid back - partly because I was brought up by parents (particularly mum) who thought shouting and fear were the best way to keep kids in line (although she would deny this was her approach) and I don't want that for my son. Also because it turns out that my partner is also incapable of moderating his temper when it comes to our son, and flies off the handle at the most stupid stuff. This is an ongoing tedious battle between us, which partly led to the situation today, although my issue is more with my mum on this occasion.
So my mum and dad live a couple hours drive away. Dad has a degenerative condition which affects his mobility. He still drives, but distances tire him out. Mum doesn't like driving on motorways so it's still up to my dad. So they don't visit much. I often make the drive up to them so they can see DS. They have visited us this weekend, first time they have been since Xmas.
I know my parents don't particularly approve of my parenting style, they constantly tell DS to stop doing things, like playing with his car on the sofa, or chucking his cars on the floor so they 'crash' - stupid stuff I couldn't give a shit about, he's just playing. Yesterday, we were out all day, we booked a local pizza restaurant for dinner and bumped into one of DS' best friends from nursery who he'd mentioned a few times that day as he was missing him. They inevitably started playing, so DP and I just decided to leave him to it until the pizzas arrived, then we'd tell him to come and sit down at the table, and save a massive meltdown. My mum must have asked us 3 times if DS wasn't going to come and sit down. In other words, 'why haven't you made him come and sit down.' Just told her jokingly he'd found something more interesting to do, and avoided getting into it. Once the pizza arrived he did sit with us and eat, then his friend left soon afterwards anyway.
Parens are leaving tomorrow morning, so I spent most of the afternoon making a nice meal for us all. DS can be picky with his food and I think can get overwhelmed with everyone else's expectation that he eats all of his food. He objected to the amount of food DP had put on his plate, which we said just eat what he can. He started eating (rice, which he loves), but DP immediately started nagging him about dropping rice on the floor, which he does every Sunday which is pretty much the only day we get to eat as a family. I feel it creates an atmosphere and is unnecessary, but DP is obsessed and will get on his hands and knees whilst we're still eating to pick up rice grains. 🤦🏾♀️😆
Gradually DS stopped eating, which again I think was down to the expectation/atmosphere. My mum particularly was commenting on the fact DS was attempting to use chopsticks (for fun), DP was moaning about rice on the floor and generally there were lots of eyes on DS as we ate. Anyway, so he refused to eat anymore, then left the table to sulk when we said he would'nt get any pudding unless he ate more of his food. DP and I then ignored him, as this has worked in the past and he'll usually come back after a few mins, and finish his food. But when he left the table, my mum started asking in that kind of disapproving tone 'whether mealtimes are always like this with DS', so we then found ourselves having to explain ourselves/justify. I said lots of his friends are the same, and if anything he's better as he will usually eat the food, whereas some of his friends point blank refuse. She then made some comments about how she doesn't remember me or my brother (now deceased) ever being fussy like that. I said I could recall being made to leave the table when I was 3 or 4 because I was refusing to eat, and had to stand in the hallway and then would be made to eat the meal later by which point it would be barely warm. She said she didn't remember anything like that, then commented that it sounded like I was angry about it. I said I'm just making the point that it's not uncommon for kids to be fussy eaters. She said she knows that and wasn't saying it was uncommon, just that she didn't remember us being like that, and didn’t remember ever making me leave the table. She then went on to say "oh it must have been porridge" (which I hate), and turned to my dad and said "remember she wrote that thing in school once saying we used to make her eat porridge if she was naughty" and made a joke about how if that was now, social services would have been round. Completely dismissive of what I'd said, not to mention that I couldn't write when I was 3, so it obviously wasn't that, and I have a clear memory of it.
So then DS came back to the table (as expected), and I helped him eat the rest of his rice, and most of his sweetcorn. I'd told him he needed to have that if he wanted pudding. DP was in the kitchen whilst this was going on. DS continued to refuse the chicken. He then asked for pudding. DP shouted from the kitchen that it was too late for pudding which I took to mean too close to bedtime. Personally, I didn't agree, but didn't say anything to avoid a disagreement in front of parents. I got up to get the pudding ready, and DS asked again if he could have some. DP came into dining room and said no. DS started crying. I got up and took DS into the kitchen with me, put out 4 desserts - none for DS, but said he could share a bit of mine as a compromise.
Then my mum calls him and he goes in the dining room to see her. I could hear her talking quietly to him. I sat down, everyone has pudding except DS. He sat on my lap, excited to have a spoonful of mine. At which point my mum announces that she thinks I'm enabling his behaviour by giving him pudding when he didn't eat his dinner and DP said no pudding. And also that DS told her he had been crying because DP said he couldn't have pudding, so I was letting him get his own way by letting him have pudding. I was absolutely fuming, as it was clearly a loaded comment based on the fact she disapproves of how laid back I can be. I said "well actually, there are lots of times where I'll hold the line with DS, but considering that her and my dad are here and it's their last night, I'm also trying to manage the situation as best I can, especially as I'm the one who would be left to deal with the fallout with DS", whilst they and DP sit there stuffing their faces. Then I got up and left the table, and my pudding(!!!) and took DS up for his bath. DS was a bit upset, but he's not stupid, he knew something wasn't right so didn't push it.
Haven't spoken to mum for the rest of the evening. DP has tried giving me a hug to show he's on my side, but I'm not interested. DS crying was not why I was going to give him pudding - he had actually eaten most of his food, as I'd asked him to. But even if it was right that DS shouldn't have any pudding, I don't agree that he should have been expected to sit at the table whilst everyone else had theirs, I just think that's cruel.
But mostly, it's none of my mum's business and she needs to butt out.
Am I being too sensitive here? It seems stupid considering we're talking about so e pudding, but it's the broader issue of parents turning their nose up at how their children choose to parent their own kids that really pisses me off, especially when they were far from perfect themselves.