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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

narc ex advice please

16 replies

LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 22:49

I'll try keep it brief.

we have a house each but he has refused to take lots of items home over the months I have asked I suspect for him to have a reason to be here.

We have a DD he often doesnt spend time with but will blame for whatever is his fault of the day.

He has gone about a month. still has a key. blocked me on social media but emailed a few times. Ive ignored. Soon as he is present he is going to have my anxiety up and draw the whole thing out about taking his stuff. (bit by bit I might add) Use DD as a pawn and push my buttons till my mood is way too low to function for a day or two. We have been here I know the drill.

Basically I need advice. He never bothered about his stuff till now. Has not asked about DD at all. First 2 emails this week were the usually narc type. Today was when I can get my stuff please phone to arrange. I dont wish to speak to him. Also he still has the key.

Should I ignore. Do you think he is still trying to worm his way into staying. I was the one paying all his meals. He has money but no heating by choice and is a hoarder.

advice please.

OP posts:
bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 23/04/2023 23:09

Why are you even having a conversation with him?
Change the locks and send him this:

Your things are on the front lawn. Please collect them ASAP as I have a slot booked for the tip a week on Tuesday and that is where they'll be going.
I do not want a reply to this email. I do not want contact with you unless it regards our child.
Thankyou.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:13

Im not having conversations with him and I cant leave it outside. Too much stuff and he doesn't drive

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/04/2023 23:15

LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:13

Im not having conversations with him and I cant leave it outside. Too much stuff and he doesn't drive

Well if he wants it he will have to find a way to collect it all then won't he.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 23/04/2023 23:44

LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:13

Im not having conversations with him and I cant leave it outside. Too much stuff and he doesn't drive

If you were that desperate to get him out of your life you would realise that it's not your concern that he doesn't drive. His stuff, his problem.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:50

Please read what I wrote. him being out of my life completely wont happen due to DD. basically I asked is this him hoovering me. He has a key he could easily walk in any time.

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/04/2023 23:53

LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:50

Please read what I wrote. him being out of my life completely wont happen due to DD. basically I asked is this him hoovering me. He has a key he could easily walk in any time.

I've read what you have wrote. You don't have to have his stuff in your house just because you have a kid with him. Throw it out and tell him to collect. Like you say, he has a key so could have collected this any time before now.

ComputerWifeKaren · 23/04/2023 23:58

Married? If not and you're not joint tenants, change the lock. You can also binbag his stuff and leave it out the front, not your problem he doesn't drive. Give him due warning or don’t, up to you.
I put everything ex owned in bin bags in the front garden and gave him an hour warning. He doesn't drive. I didn't give a shit. He turned up and took it.

Theunamedcat · 24/04/2023 00:01

CHANGE THE LOCKS its simple you tube or Google it takes about five minutes

Clearly you will put his stuff outside simply state your items will be outside on x day at y time arrange a man with a van to collect give him a date 7 days from your email and just do it

Personally I would go to court over the child arrangements because he seems like the type to draw it out and piss around get a nice court order drawn up and stick to it

Or you could put up with his shit

Your choice

SavBlancTonight · 24/04/2023 00:03

He's just continuing to control you. Why email telling you to call him? He could email and tell you when is convenient, asking you to respond via email with a preferred time.

You dint have to have his stuff. If you are feeling kind, take it to a storage facility, pay first month and send him details.

Oh, and change the lock.

Zuyi · 24/04/2023 00:06

Can you not just deliver his stuff to his place? It's annoying, but it's once off and he can hardly refuse such a kind favour. Then change the locks, of course.

SarahDippity · 24/04/2023 00:06

‘Please send me a list of times when you wish to collect. I’ll respond with the one that suits best, and you can arrange a removal van for that time.’

change the locks. Pack the stuff up (yes, it’s a pain, but control the controllables.) If possible, have a trusted friend or family member with you at the house. Do NOT leave him alone in the house.

Zanatdy · 24/04/2023 06:16

Well he’s entitled to his stuff and the sooner the better, then yes change the locks.

Pinkbonbon · 24/04/2023 08:01

Change the locks.

His stuff can be dropped off round his parents house or posted to him via recorded delivery.

Or 'you've got 1 last week to see about a collection of all your things. Otherwise its going in the bin. I'm not holding it any longer. Thus is no longer your home side your stuff does not belong here. Please arrange a time for it's collection with me as I have changed the locks'.

Stop pandering to him. These sort take kindness as weakness.

Never let him in your home again (if his name is on the house, sell the house and move). Ever.
Never reply to any message not about childcare.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 25/04/2023 11:56

LilQueenie · 23/04/2023 23:50

Please read what I wrote. him being out of my life completely wont happen due to DD. basically I asked is this him hoovering me. He has a key he could easily walk in any time.

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean by "hoovering"
All you need to do is take control of this situation. Tell him when / where to collect his stuff. No need to mention the locks - just change them!! He will continue to drag it out because you are allowing him to.
Speak to him about your daughter and nothing else.

Esmejane81 · 25/04/2023 13:28

@LilQueenie I know it’s hard because you want to be the reasonable one. But he isn’t being the same for you.

I would reply saying that you agree that his stuff needs to be cleared out of your house and put the responsibility back on him to sort it out. But also give it a timeframe.

then I do think you should change the locks and keep any communications with him as brief as possible regarding your DD, otherwise he will get in your headspace.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/04/2023 19:44
  1. deliver his stuff to him
  2. change the locks
  3. he sees DD outside of your home
  4. make sure you get cms
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