SO is a liar

[BurntOutandConfused]

Short version - my SO is a habitual liar. Whilst I love him, and have been happy with him, I'm considering leaving.

In the last week I found out he'd been hiding £10k of debt he'd build up over the last year on frivolous spending. We do not have joint finances and his parents have now paid it off, but he must pay them back.

He told me last night he's been lying for 3 months having therapy.

This comes on the back of two significant lies earlier on in our relationship. I forgave him then, which I don't regret.

He's admitted he's lied since childhood and it's linked to conflict avoidance.

We are a blended family, he has two kids, I have none (and do not want any) and he's done a good job of adapting to make it work, although it's been hard on him. He had no rules with the kids when we moved in, and no boundaries with his v high conflict ex wife.

All of that's changed but Im wondering what that benefits if I can't trust him.

My therapist and counsellor think I should give him a chance. I'm not convinced.

I love him, and am finding this really hard

Thanks for listening

I think your therapist is well out of order! If you are thinking of leaving why the hell are they saying you should stay? They should be encouraging you to talk through things with them, not tell you what to do!

I may have mis worded things. They've left it open for me to decide, but have suggested couples counselling. I suppose I thought they'd hint that I should run. My mother also suggested weighing things up

My exp was as you describe. Towards the end of our relationship, even stopping at the supermarket to pick up milk would be lie. He would have the milk for example but there would be a story to go with it. Such as 'it was the last pint of milk on the shelf and I think one of the staff must have been saving it for themselves later because it was right at the back, but I found it!'

I would be in the room listening to a phone conversation and he would literally tell me a completely different story even though I had witnessed it!

Early on in the relationship, it started with big things, as you describe by the end I was calling out his lies in front of people because I was embarrassed as people knew what he was saying simply wasn't true.

I would hazard a guess that there's high conflict with his ex because she simply can't stomach his BS anymore.

My advice to my younger self would be ti run from those lies. Your DP has also run up significant debt. This is not a partner you can have a life with, not one that is stable and secure. You will never know what you will uncover next. You will loose respect for him.

'When someone shows you who they are, look'.

He is showing you and telling you he cannot be trusted. These lies will affect you.

You can't trust a liar, especially one who has lied throughout their adult life.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Time to unblend,

Thanks, I agree with this. He has shown me he can change, but the changes he has made do not relate to deep rooted issues. They relate to some guilt related parenting practices, bedtimes etc

I feel sick tbh from it

I'm sorry to say but I could not be with someone like that. Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you ever make. Your lives become entangled and everything he does will either uplift you or drag you down.
I believe that life brings enough unavoidable problems and it's important to be with someone reliable and able to navigate through obstacles together.

Children need boundaries and discipline and people who can't implement that usually don't have it themselves or have deeper issues - for example they don't understand how to teach a child without being harsh and punitive so they are afraid of a child not liking them etc.

That's not how adults should function.

Unless someone was really committed to change,doing the work, going to therapy I don't see how it would improve.