Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He buys stuff without asking

47 replies

CoffeeDino · 23/04/2023 20:21

My boyfriend of two years keeps buying things without asking. Then hoping/expecting I'll pay.

For example, a toy he saw for my dc which I said they didn't need (he's not dad). A vacuum I didn't want (he said he'd use it on my house). A 'present' for me which he liked but I said I'd think about. I told him to take it back (it wasn't a present as I was expected to pay).

He's not always tight, can be quite generous at times. But I'm financially secure and work with my budget. He has credit card debt.

I've asked him to take the latest item back, told him I can't afford it.

It's weird and annoying behaviour though??

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeDino · 24/04/2023 06:53

HeartsAglow · 23/04/2023 23:12

My guess is he wants you to feel indebted to him. I had an ex like this. He ended up trying to sue me for the money I apparently owed him. Run.

I can see some similarities to this. He has offered to buy things at times and I 'pay him back over time' but I refuse, as I only like buying things I can afford, I don't use a credit card.

@redbigbananafeet at first he relied on me feeling polite/obliged 'oh how much did it cost for the radio, I'll transfer the money'. But quickly I stopped offering and the situation now leaves me uneasy. Its like I feel indebted. I've also asked him to return any new items because I dont need them and can't afford them.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 24/04/2023 06:56

PousseyNotMoira · 23/04/2023 23:24

Have you asked him why he does this and told him you want him to stop?

This. But I agree with you. Sounds like be gets a buzz from the buying.

Poppyblush · 24/04/2023 07:23

He’s got problems that I dont think you need in your life.

DustyLee123 · 24/04/2023 07:25

I have a DH who seems to enjoy the act of buying things we don’t need, he gets some kind of buzz from it. It’s pathetic.

plugin12 · 24/04/2023 07:28

Just sit him down and make it very clear if he buys you anything from this point forward it is a gift and you will not be paying him a penny back, you are capable of buying your own items if you need them.

BranchGold · 24/04/2023 07:28

I’m also curious about how the money conversation comes about. Does he actually say ‘oh don’t forget to transfer that money?’ Or is it more about your personal feeling of not liking receiving gifts and you then decide that you must repay the cost.

icelollycraving · 24/04/2023 07:35

Perhaps he’s getting them on credit but you transfer the money. So he has cash from it. Some people are generous, this sounds an odd dynamic and not one I’d like tbh. I remember when I met a partner and they kept buying things for my home, it was a way of controlling me.

HappyTrance · 24/04/2023 07:42

I had one like this who was always trying to help by buying me stuff I didn’t really need or I wouldn’t buy myself. When I ended it, he said he felt ‘used.’

billy1966 · 24/04/2023 08:06

The whole dynamic of that is weird, icky and very off.

He has spending problems and you do not need it.

Step away.

CurlewKate · 24/04/2023 08:16

I still don't understand how this actually works in practical terms....

sylvandweller · 24/04/2023 08:20

Just stop giving him the money.

If he doesn't like it, he can return the item. This is not your problem; it's his.

Nicecow · 24/04/2023 08:28

Get rid now. MAJOR red flags!!

Optimalise · 24/04/2023 08:47

I had pretty much the same issue with my ex who was also continually in debt, at first he was content with squandering his own money then when he was up to his eyeballs in debt he thought he'd spend mine instead, I remember the time he texted me a picture of a new washing machine he'd bought online (nothing wrong with the old one) with the words "if you could see your way to sending me half the cost I'd be grateful"....I think you can guess what my answer was.

sylvandweller · 24/04/2023 08:51

Optimalise · 24/04/2023 08:47

I had pretty much the same issue with my ex who was also continually in debt, at first he was content with squandering his own money then when he was up to his eyeballs in debt he thought he'd spend mine instead, I remember the time he texted me a picture of a new washing machine he'd bought online (nothing wrong with the old one) with the words "if you could see your way to sending me half the cost I'd be grateful"....I think you can guess what my answer was.

I had an ex come home with a poncey games console once. I said "Take that back, it's not even coming out of the box" and turned my back to do something else.

I'd been supporting him for months and he'd just come into some cash.

Fuck off with that bullshit!

amiold · 24/04/2023 08:57

How does this work op.. he buys it and then what? He says "can you give me £20 for that thing I bought you?" I can't fathom how he's getting you to pay for things he bought unless he's outright asking

Optimalise · 24/04/2023 09:48

@sylvandweller ....yep...don't know about you but wasn't working to support a knob who earned twice what I did 🤣

OhcantthInkofaname · 11/07/2023 21:43

Is he trying to use you for a "cash advance"?

CornishAdventures · 12/07/2023 09:06

Having different financial values is a very difficult one to overcome in a relationship. I’m in a relationship where we have different financial values which I can now reflect has come from our own fathers views to money and I don’t think either can change.

MangoBiscuit · 12/07/2023 09:11

I'm guessing he's buying these things on his credit card, then getting the cash from you. Then either spending that too, or using it to pay the minimum payment because he's skint. Sounds dodgy as fuck and I wouldn't be getting involved at all. I think you need to have a conversation, and state very clearly that you do not want him buying you anything he expects payment for.

Wishimaywishimight · 12/07/2023 09:15

amiold · 24/04/2023 08:57

How does this work op.. he buys it and then what? He says "can you give me £20 for that thing I bought you?" I can't fathom how he's getting you to pay for things he bought unless he's outright asking

Same here, I really don't understand how this is happening. Firstly, don't offer to pay for anything he has purchased.

If he asks you to pay just say "why would I pay for your shopping?"

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 09:20

CoffeeDino · 23/04/2023 20:38

I have paid for the occasional thing, but it has become more of a problem recently. My guess is that he enjoys spending, so buys stuff without asking and then hopes for the cash. I haven't paid it recently though and have told him to return the last couple of things.

I think its not very nice behaviour and is making me question his morals.

It's actually quite odd. I wouldn't dream of impulsively choosing items for someone else's house then asking for the cash. How absurd!

I think you've got to tell him straight. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Badger1970 · 12/07/2023 09:23

It sounds like he's using a credit card then getting you to give him cash/transfer money into his bank account.

I would be running a mile.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page