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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend not affectionate

13 replies

Ella28_ · 23/04/2023 14:46

Anyone else's partner seem to completely avoid romance/affection? I love my boyfriend but he finds being affectionate awkward (unless we're having sex) and although I know he loves me, he never makes an effort to show me that. I'm the type of person that needs physical and emotional affection in a relationship and it's really getting to me. I've mentioned it to him several times and he says he'll try harder but nada. We had an argument about it last night and I'm still fuming haha! It probably sounds dramatic but it's really making me rethink the relationship. Am i crazy to be thinking like that?

OP posts:
HowManySunflowers · 23/04/2023 14:56

This wouldn't be a massive problem for me (DH is not particularly affectionate, and I don't mind as he shows he loves me in other ways), but if it is a problem for you then you're not crazy - we're all different. How long have you been together?

Fidgety31 · 23/04/2023 14:57

I’m like your boyfriend. I find affection very awkward .
If you are affectionate to him - does he respond?
Try increasing your level of affection to him and then it might rub off on him and he will gradually increase it back .

Johnisafckface · 23/04/2023 15:39

My ex was like this. It made me feel unloved and like we were just friends who had sex. I became resentful and eventually it damaged the relationship.

some people are just not affectionate, if it’s not natural to them then no matter how much you tell them it’s not going to change. Or it will for a short period of time then they revert back to their natural ways. My ex showed his love by doing things for me like fixing my car or something in my house. It was nice but to me it doesn’t satisfy my need for affection and romance.

ruddygreattiger · 23/04/2023 16:26

Just to echo pp, an ex of mine was like this and after asking for more affection multiple times and seeing no change, I ended the relationship.
When it came to see he was totally different though, funny that innit!
I felt resentful and unbelievably lonely being affectionate towards him (which is how I am in any relationship) hoping it would rub off on him but it never did.
You're just both different op, so to stay in the relationship you will have to weigh up if it's worth sacrificing your needs for him.

ruddygreattiger · 23/04/2023 16:29

*sex, not see!

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 16:37

OP, if his actions are not showing you that he loves you, then why are you staying with him?

In my opinion , l love is an action word. No amount of kissing and cuddling are indicators of love, but what he dies and how he treats you are the lasting indicators.

However, you know what you need and want, and if those things are not there then why stay?

I have a friend who insisted that her ex bring her flowers once a week and that he kiss her goodbye every time that he left the house. When he moved out of the home , he told her that he wanted a real marriage and not some " scripted relationship. " He told her that his new friend did not ask for flowers, kisses, or date nights, but she enjoyed his presence, laughed at his jokes, understood his need sometimes for space and silence, and occasionally said thank you when he had done nothing at all. My friend has been married now to her current husband for a little more than 3 years and there are no demands for weekly flowers or on-demand kissing times. She is much more into letting this new marriage create its own language and moments.

Again, if you need a more demonstrative man, leave this man and find that man. There is likely some woman out there who will find this man acceptable as he is, but you don't have to be that woman.

Ella28_ · 23/04/2023 16:47

We've been together just over a year. I do show him affection and he tries to reciprocate but unless it's progressing to sex, he seems to make an excuse to do anything else which makes me feel a bit rejected. He's a great guy and I do love him which is why I've stuck around but I think this might be a deal breaker for me.

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 23/04/2023 16:52

I can see why it would be a deal breaker , sounds like he just can't change so I really can't see it working long term .

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 16:53

@Ella28_
Every wise person has his or her own line in the sand.

Hbh17 · 23/04/2023 16:56

ÃŒt's just who he is - it's not right or wrong. My husband is the same. But if I am going on a long journey, he volunteers to check the tyres on my car - that is an example of how he shows affection. Everyone is different.

Whataretalkingabout · 23/04/2023 18:54

I say , listen to your intuition. It tells you what you really want and need.

Wainwrightwalks24 · 25/11/2023 19:35

I had exactly the same. New relationship and no affection initiated. I would have to ask for hand hold, kiss, cuddles etc... when we went out one night and he was detached again I mentioned it and he crossly said I was complaining and he was going to put me in a taxi. He then said timing me for one hour to see if I could go that long without complaining. Then he got his phone out and showed me a message on whatsapp from a Bella and asked what should he do. I got up and left and got a taxi home! Men who withhold affection are controlling and making you feel needy when we are not. It is a power game sadly.

lesdeluges · 25/11/2023 19:46

Yep, for me it's "by their actions shall ye know them". DP is not fond of displays of affection either public or not. However I know he cares or I wouldn't be still around.
I never have to nag or cajole, the vacuuming is done, the floors mopped, the garden done, car to garage for a valet/wash etc. etc. I am a lazy mare so I look on these unprompted activities (which make me happy) as his sign of affection.

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