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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In laws

13 replies

Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 13:20

I need to help and advice, so starting from the beginning:

My mother in law has always made me feel like she hated me and that I wasn't welcome in her family. Many times before she told me to pack my bags and f* back to my own country. For me that was being racist but she doesn't think that and thinks I'm over reacting.

I've learnt to just ignore her and I really don't see her often but the issue I have at the moment is about my daughter.

My beautiful baby girl was born almost 6 weeks ago, and if I could I would stop her from seeing my baby girl forever.

When I first found out I was pregnant I didn't want her to know or my partners family with the history I have had from my mother in law, however I thought maybe my baby girl would be the thing she might need to break the ice and accept me. I was fully wrong.

Me and my partner rang her and told her the good news that we were expecting, and the first thing that you heard was the fact that me and my partner are toxic we shouldn't be having children, that this child would be unhappy and neglected in our home. From then I kept my low profile because I didn't want to stress as much.

When I did see her a few days after that incident she was as cold as ice towards me and I had a feeling that she would do anything to prove to me that she has all the power and I my feeling wasn't wrong

It got to mine and my partner's 12 week scan and my father in law took us and I was really happy because I thought maybe a change, as it was my mother in law who got him to take us. Well later on that day both me and my partner found out that his mother never wanted his dad to take us and at first she even told him he wasn't allowed to take us. To all this, my friend had shown me messages that my partner's mother had been sending to her, calling me it, saying that our daughter isn't his child, she wishes that I wasn't pregnant and was having this child, so that night I messaged her and said that she will never see my child again and that was a promise because I didn't want my baby going through the same issues

Through this whole pregnancy I have kept my distance and away from her. She kept asking my partner how my appointments when and if we know the gender and stuff. So me and my partner made the decision that if he wants he can tell my in laws what we are having. Well my mother in law decided to tell everyone our gender and when we told her that she really upset us and that it was wrong because she didn't even ask us if it was okay, she started to blame me and my partner for not allowing her to be happy she is having a granddaughter, but she didn't want her before hand.

My mother in law also tried telling me that my doctor's and nurses were wrong and that I was making a big deal out of nothing or that she didn't believe that the doctors said that they might have to induce me at 32 weeks because of all the issues and complications that me and my partner had.

My mother in law also made a big issue about what name and surname our daughter would have. In her opinion our daughter should of only had my partner's surname and not a joint surname.

A few days ago I also found out that the day I told her that she would never see our daughter she got legal advice about getting legal rights to our daughter. She also, told me that she had legal rights towards our daughter and that she needs and has to know everything that goes on in her life and every medical appointment or hospital visit that our daughter has.

I really don't know what to do. I wish my mother in law wouldn't be able to see our daughter but also I don't want any legal procedures and have my daughter taken off me. Someone please help I'm really stressed and anxious about this.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 23/04/2023 13:24

She absolutely does not and cannot get legal rights to your daughter.

What is your partner doing about all this?!

You dont have to put up with any of that

Heroicallyfound · 23/04/2023 13:28

Why would your daughter be taken off you? Which country are you in?

I think you need to stop hoping your MiL is going to change. She’s shown you time and time again who she is. You’re never going to be magically accepted by a person like that.

She’s given you more than enough reason for you to disengage and not see her again. You’re really anxious about it because you’re letting her into your life when she doesn’t treat you well. It’s like being a gazelle in a cage with a cheetah and expecting yourself to not feel worried that you’re going to be eaten. Your feelings of anxiety are totally reasonable here and will keep you safe if you listen to them and act on them.

How does your H handle her? Does he back you up and defend you? Does he tell his mother where the lines are and that you deserve respect?

EllenLRipley · 23/04/2023 13:30

FGS, you need to put a stop to this nonsense immediately. YOU are pregnant. YOU are not married. I would tell your partner that the baby is having your name only, and he is not going on the birth certificate unless he can pull himself together and prioritise you. Then stop seeing and speaking to these people and get your own life. No lifts, no advice, no gifts. Be stern and unwelcoming. Why on earth would you want such unkind unpleasant people to like you? Get rid of them now and do not let them be alone with your child ever.

Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 16:39

He doesn't do much he was brought up to be a mummy's boy and he tries to please her and me and is lying to the both of us. I'm in England @Heroicallyfound

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 23/04/2023 16:45

She has absolutely no legal rights over your child whatsoever and seemingly no grounds to apply so please strike that as something to worry about

heartbroken22 · 23/04/2023 16:50

She sounds extremely insecure and jealous of both of you. She's extremely rude and racist to tell you to go back home. I'd keep a low profile with minimum interactions with such a vile women who seems mentally unwell.

She's quite psychotic isn't she? Tell her legal rights my arse. You could report her for her stalkerish behaviour and fear of abuse. Hopefully that will help her back off.

heartbroken22 · 23/04/2023 16:52

Slowly slowly erase her out of your life gradually. Don't talk to her about your daughter. Just keep it formal. Don't do it abruptly but start ignoring. One day she'll go away and take a hint. Right now she's getting you to rise to her bait.

AgrathaChristie · 23/04/2023 18:20

In England grandparents have no automatic rights to see or have any contact with grandchildren , so ignore everything she says about solicitors, legal rights etc… it’s all rubbish.
Now you know any little thing you tell her will be broadcast far and wide you and DH need to agree to limit what she’s told.
It’s his job to stand up to his mother and tell her what’s what.
And congratulations on your baby girl 💐

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 18:26

She has absolutely no legal rights over your child so stop worrying about that. She's just gaslighting you.

LightDrizzle · 23/04/2023 18:29

Give the baby your surname. You aren’t married, this is normal and traditional. Don’t add him to the birth certificate.

Ideally leave him, but if you won’t, then at least make sure his mother never meets the baby. She has no chance of legally gaining access UNLESS she can prove a regular pattern of her seeing the child. Even then it’s a very remote possibility but why would you risk having this racist, toxic person around your child?

I don’t know if your nationality and ethnicity involves non-white British skin colour or characteristics, but I hope your baby looks 100% like you and nothing like its spineless father or his witch of a mother.

LightDrizzle · 23/04/2023 18:32

Also try to screenshot and print all of her threats.

There is zero chance they will take the baby off you or grant her access.

Skybluepinky · 23/04/2023 18:55

Move miles away from u, toxic mil never give up.
If u rnt married give the child yr surname not his, the way he is behaving doesn’t show he is going to stay with u long term.

Kinfis2016 · 23/04/2023 19:56

Thank you to everyone for the replies it has helped a lot. I didn't expect to get so much support out of this, in a scene I did think I maybe was overthinking everything but these comments have proven to me that I am not so thank you

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