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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fwb made me uncomfortable possible tw

52 replies

anon3738 · 23/04/2023 09:19

So I met this guy a year or so ago on old, we met up a couple of times but there was no spark or anything, but we still did continue to meet very casually for sex. I’m happy with this and so was he.
so, he came round to mine on Thursday night, we dtd a couple of times and after we was just listening to music/chilling. I must of fell asleep but the next thing I knew I felt something warm all over the bottom of my back/bum (I was sleeping on my stomach) so I turned around to see him and realised he had masturbated and finished on me while I was asleep, and he pushed my head back down on the pillow and slapped my bum, then came and laid back next to me and went to sleep, I don’t know if I’m overthinking or overreacting it’s just really bothered me and needed to get it out.

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 09:46

You didn't consent to being slapped and masturbated over so it was an assault. What you do next is your choice, if it was me I would tell him exactly what I thought of him. And I might report it to the police too. What they do will vary, but I would be satisfied with reporting him.

flumpalamp · 23/04/2023 09:50

Coffeeandcards · 23/04/2023 09:35

You don’t do sexual things to an unconscious person. The end.

Yup

Malificent1 · 23/04/2023 09:50

Not much of a friend, is he? And I don’t really understand the personal benefit of waking up covered in spunk. So at the very least I think he’s over stayed his “FWB” status.

C1N1C · 23/04/2023 09:51

I often disagree with people on here because I always err on the side of possible misunderstanding, etc, but I absolutely think this is wrong.

Not awake means no consent. I'd be creeped out and disgusted! What's also confusing is if you're fwb, he couldn't wait another half hour for you to be awake and have consensual sex?

Original poster
anon3738 · 23/04/2023 09:52

thank you for all the replies I’ve just skimmed them but when I get 10 mins I will go back and read them all throughly and watch the video that’s been posted. I have name changed for this post but honestly I have other threads on here under my usual username about how men have treat me since the breakdown of my relationship, I might try and link it later, and and I do think it’s something I really need to work on, but i definitely won’t be seeing him again and I’m going to let him know exactly the reason why.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 23/04/2023 09:52

You owe him nothing. Block, and move on. He's a creep. And if you green light this, it may get worse....

Tillyteacup · 23/04/2023 09:53

He did not have your consent. He assaulted you, I’m so sorry. Please don’t see him again.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/04/2023 10:03

but i definitely won’t be seeing him again and I’m going to let him know exactly the reason why.

So glad to see you say this. It's disgusting what he did. Block and delete his number, he's not a friend.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/04/2023 10:08

Whiteroomjoy · 23/04/2023 09:40

Or just send him the “cup of tea” video

I've never seen that before, thanks for sharing.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/04/2023 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What on earth is the matter with you? You're absolutely disgusting

Ellie1015 · 23/04/2023 10:11

That's really disrespectful. I wouldn't see him again and I would tell him why.

knittingaddict · 23/04/2023 10:14

Coffeeandcards · 23/04/2023 09:35

You don’t do sexual things to an unconscious person. The end.

I think that says everything. What else is there? It's not complicated.

Quartzrain · 23/04/2023 10:16

Coffeeandcards · 23/04/2023 09:35

You don’t do sexual things to an unconscious person. The end.

THIS

bunnybunnybunnybunny · 23/04/2023 10:25

What he did is not ok in any respect.

Throwncrumbs · 23/04/2023 10:28

Whiteroomjoy · 23/04/2023 09:40

Or just send him the “cup of tea” video

That’s brilliant!

philautia · 23/04/2023 10:31

That's sexual assault - don't ever see him again.

Two things have stood out to me though - one was that you said you felt no spark with him, so no attraction, but have casual sex. This suggests you have terrible self esteem and low self worth.

The other is that you said you've NC'd and you have other threads about men's treatment of you. From this and the above point, it seems as though you are picking a certain type of man (I've been with a lot of men, in serious relationships, flings and one night stands and no one has ever sexually assaulted me or made me feel uncomfortable).

I would suggest sacking off all men and relationships, get yourself some counselling, spend some time on yourself. You deserve it, you deserve good things, you don't deserve to be treated like a wank sock.

Throwncrumbs · 23/04/2023 10:58

To me both of you have issues. You need some self esteem so that you stop being casual sex to someone one who sees you as a ‘human dustbin’ for his wanking and sex when he wants it. He is not someone you should be inviting into your home. He is not a decent person at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
anon3738 · 23/04/2023 11:13

I don’t know if I can edit but the man in the first thread, I didn’t leave until just under 2 years ago 🙄 and it just got worse and worse over the years and the man in the second thread was my best friend who helped me get over the man in the first thread.

OP posts:
QueueEtwo · 23/04/2023 12:54

Definitely dump the current guy!

My only other advice is to take a break from dating! If you only left an abusive relationship 2 years ago, then had this experience with the other idiot in December then I would take some time to build up some boundaries, spend some time with your friends & your kids!

Have you done the freedom program or had any counselling?

Original poster
anon3738 · 23/04/2023 13:46

No I haven’t had any counselling and haven’t done the freedom programme either, maybe I should look into it.
I don’t spend time with friends, when I left my old job I left my friends there, no one bothers with me from there anymore and it’s too early in my new job to have made friends that see each other out of work.

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 23/04/2023 15:41

I guess the problem with allowing men to think you are happy with being used for sex is that they won't care if you're awake or not.

Nachobowls · 23/04/2023 17:47

CaroleSinger · 23/04/2023 15:41

I guess the problem with allowing men to think you are happy with being used for sex is that they won't care if you're awake or not.

That’s my feelings on it, I never get “fwb” with a man your not actually friends with, it’s just a fuckbuddy labelled as a fwb to make it sound better, how can there be no spark but still enough spark to sleep with him? I would just move on and not see him again

QueueEtwo · 23/04/2023 20:32

anon3738 · 23/04/2023 13:46

No I haven’t had any counselling and haven’t done the freedom programme either, maybe I should look into it.
I don’t spend time with friends, when I left my old job I left my friends there, no one bothers with me from there anymore and it’s too early in my new job to have made friends that see each other out of work.

Yes I think you should do the freedom program

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do you have any hobbies. Do you go the the gym, yoga?

I honestly think you need to start building your self- esteem so that you don't leave yourself do open to being treated badly!

QueueEtwo · 23/04/2023 20:38

And that isn't trying to blame you at all!

These men are treating you awfully but I think if you built up your confidence & started to build a life for yourself without a man in it you might see the red flags earlier.

Have you read the shark cage analogy?

www.wbsass.com.au/services/shark-cage