Unhappy marriage, no clear end in sight

[Checkedskirt]

A couple of years ago DH suddenly said he wasn’t happy and stopped all intimacy. There is no affair, he says we have grown apart, fallen out of love etc and I would agree with this. But I’ve wanted to keep trying, to reform our connection. We have tried counselling but made little progress, it does seem we are incompatible really. Now we live as housemates - we have conversations about moving things forward and they never go anywhere. We seem to be stuck. I am late thirties and so scared of wasting my life in this misery. We have two DDs and both seem terrified to make changes that will disrupt their lives. The financial stuff also feels daunting and in some ways impossible to sort. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

My advice would be to fully inform yourself of the situation if you did decide to leave and divorce.
often the “unknown” stops us making decision. Fear is driven by the unknown. Inform yourself fully of what a divorced future might look like and the fear will be diminished .
you can then take a much more balanced view of what staying married vs divorcing would mean and make a much better judgment. No one can tell you what to do, there are simply no right answers -it is done to which is the better option overall

i would strongly recommend using link on the divorce/separation board to ADVICE NOW who have great guides explaining how “fair settlement”, child custody and the divorce process work. Also look at the government divorce site which is very clearly explained.

I simply couldn’t make a decision to divorce until I had “visualised “ what my potential new post divorced life looked like - how I would manage domestically, where I’d live, etc etc . Only then could I face down my fears and make a rational decision. Divorce was not easy, 30 years of marriage to give up when I thought we’d got past the issues, and took a lot of thought and courage. 2 years later it was the right thing, but I still feel sad we couldn’t make the marriage last and at times it is still difficult to deal with.

I will clarify, the divorce process itself WAS easy. Surprisingly quick and easy . It is the emotional and practical seperation that was hard.

if you both feel the same way, do try to absolutely keep things a,icable and park anger all the way through the process. It’ll save you both £1000s in legal fees and months of stress and unhappiness. I used ADVICE NOW guides to sort things just between us amicably and then solicitor for just the very specific documents we needed drafting in legal speak.

Sorry, I’m drop feeding 🤦‍♀️. Another thing that he’d me with decison, as talking to a trusted Edson who’d been rough divorce themselves. I asked them if I could talk about my situation with absolute confidentiality so if I decided to stay marred it would be “forgotten”
pit really helped me to articulate out loud the issues, my emotions and what I was thinking in terms of my options. By the end of that conversation I pretty well knew I would divorce even though the person I talked to was very impartial.

Edson? 🤦‍♀️🤯person

Thank you @Whiteroomjoy I really appreciate your replies and they make a lot of sense. I do feel we need to have a plan - we either work on the relationship or have a concrete sense of how we are going to separate. But right now we do neither! it is driving me mad tbh (sometimes literally I fear). We can definitely be amicable I think - we don’t exactly feel the same but have both had enough of the misery…

I printed off advice now guides and shared with my ex at start of process. It really helped we could both read same facts, process etc and wasn’t just one of us telling the other what they needeed to do,
if you’re both stuck, maybe doing that facing reality of divorce piece together would be useful. Telling each other you’re just exploring all your options and understanding them fully before making a decision

Thank you @Whiteroomjoy that is a good idea - I have still been pushing the idea that we need to keep trying… but there comes a point where that has to stop. I have been scared of facing the reality of divorce because then it would happen - and that isn’t my choice, ideally. My choice would be to work on the marriage but I’m running out of steam.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet, because your just prolonging the agony. Not all partnerships go the full distance, and even some of the ones that do are not what they seem.
At the moment your living in limbo, that's no way to live. Change is scary , the unknown and the unfamiliar can feel very uncomfortable, but it's only temporary. You adapt to a different way of life and the success of that depends on your determination to make it work.

@DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon thank you. I think I will have reached my limit with this situation very soon.

Have you had couples therapy ? If not, book it today. Start the process, and if he won’t go, you know he doesn’t want to make it work.