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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP on holiday with other women

50 replies

Louf80 · 23/04/2023 07:42

My dp goes on walking holidays a few times a year, and has done since before we met 3 years ago.

I've always trusted him, and don't often go with him on these trips as I work long hours in a demanding job and also I am a carer for my mum.

I know a mix of men and women usually go on these trips with him, (he basically organises them with his friend) but like I say, I trust him to behave himself and I know he loves me a lot so I don't worry.

That is until yesterday when he thinks I didn't see the "funny side" of a photo he sent me. He was half naked with his top half exposed, with the four women in the group next to him, one touching his chest. He sent the photo to me.

I have been upset since I saw it, and he thinks I am being incredibly unreasonable not to see the humour in it. Am I a miserable cow or should I worry?

OP posts:

KrasiTime · 23/04/2023 09:18

That’s not funny. Dh goes away with friends a lot. As do I. I’d never be so disrespectful to do that to him. I’d expect the same.

Have the discussion with him. It’s off. And his gaslighting of you. Not nice.

Dibbydoos · 23/04/2023 09:20

You need to get this out in the open.

Tell him how unfunny the picture was; instead how hurtful it was.

Ask him to imagine you in a picture like that with 4 mean one touching your chest Ask him how that would feel. Have,an adult conversation about it. I hope he apologises.

The woman touching his chest btw likes your DH. Be wary of her particularly.

Good luck, OP. He has a lot to make up for...

BellePeppa · 23/04/2023 09:25

Has he explained what the ‘funny’ is because like you, I’m not getting it! Would he think it was hilarious if you’d sent a similar photo with guys? Frankly I’d find his ‘humour’ a big turn off.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/04/2023 10:08

He’s a total dick and insensitive to boot
sorry but that’s plain nasty and designed to upset
and inappropriate

Grumpypotamus · 23/04/2023 10:14

Tell him he’s got one chance to explain himself, and that does not include blaming you for not seeing the funny side. And that you are considering leaving him, just so that he understands.

Laughloveloneliness · 23/04/2023 12:05

Louf80 · 23/04/2023 08:29

Thanks everyone, I'm helps to know that the way I'm feeling about it is valid. I don't know why he did it, but I'm supposed to see the humour in it according to him. I won't get an apology that's for sure, he's not really the "say sorry" type unfortunately 😕

I feel stressed this morning, he comes back home today, not sure how to tackle it without a full on argument , which I want to avoid.

You wanting to avoid an argument is probably what he's relying on. I cant comprehend a husband doing this to his wife without purposefully wanting to hurt her tbh. Why does he want to hurt you? I've got a feeling through this tiny snapshot that you tolerate a lot of shit. He probably knows this and enjoys humiliating you? Weird situation.

FL0 · 23/04/2023 12:36

@Louf80 Does he do any other negging things ? Such as

comparing you to other women

insulting you and when you object, saying it’s a backhanded compliment

being rude under the guise of “ constructive criticism “

telling you that your feelings are wrong / unreasonable/ you are over reacting / can’t take a joke

Complaining you are needy / high maintenance / demand too much

Going on about all the great things he does for you that you don’t appreciate

newwings · 23/04/2023 12:40

I wouldn't pose for a picture like that as I wouldn't want to be associated or be in the position of hurting a fellow female. Don't know what the women were told or thinking.

Shoelacesundone · 23/04/2023 12:41

With this kind of thing you can't compromise. Some women would be ok with it but if you aren't and he isn't going to stop the holidays or change his behaviour then you're just going to be miserable. It's worth bearing in mi d that if he were cheating then he probably wouldn't have sent you that pic but I'd struggle with this...also as presumably he has less annual leave to spend with you.

I dated someone who went on ski holidays like this. I was never invited to go or join their FB group...After a year of sporadic arguments about it I called it quits. He subsequently eventually married someone else and on getting together with her ditched the mixed sex holidays with japes, dares and people sleeping with each other.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/04/2023 12:44

I think that would ruin everything for me. How will you ever be able to relax when he goes away on one of his holidays again? I'd be forever wondering what he's up to.
You need to get him to explain what the joke was supposed to be and if he would laugh if it was the other way around?

MaxTalk · 23/04/2023 12:48

Dump him. When do walkers get naked? What a grade A bellend.

Abacusporttaco · 23/04/2023 13:27

Louf80 · 23/04/2023 09:17

I am seriously considering it 😕

Show quote history

I would. What a prick.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 23/04/2023 13:33

It's a confession, whether conscious or unconscious; whether he's acted on it or not.

Thewookiemustgo · 23/04/2023 13:58

I’m not sure it was deliberately designed and set up to upset you, I think he’s missed the mark with appropriate/ inappropriate behaviour and what you think is “ok”. I actually think if he’d known how you were going to react, you’d never have seen that photo. Which obviously isn’t great, either.
I think the dynamic on these trips he takes has become kind of the “culture” of them and in a “holiday” mood with a bit if alcohol, this has all ‘normalised’ this kind of fuckwittery for those involved.
I’ve seen it before myself on trips like this. I was absolutely gobsmacked when someone who was very much married ended up writing on a woman’s boob at the bar. You’d never have thought it in a million years of this guy but on the trip plus a few drinks he became a total dick and thought it was ok. It was laughed off but I know his wife who hadn’t gone, and I knew she’d be furious/ devastated. I think she thought that with other married people she knew being in the trip, nothing like that would ever happen. I know I thought the same until I saw that.
I think that he’s part of this ‘holiday mode’ on these trips, and because of his “it was nothing, we were just joking around” type comments, he clearly thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. Add a liberal dose of “Because I didn’t kiss/ touch/ shag anybody there’s nothing wrong with it and anyway, everybody was doing it and I’d have been a party pooper if I’d objected. What’s up with you? have you forgotten how to have fun? ” blah blah… He thinks you’ll be absolutely fine with the photo and try to make you sound like a prude for disapproving.
It doesn’t matter how he views it, however. What matters is how you view it, that it’s gone way over your boundaries and that it really isn’t on. For what it’s worth I’d view it in the same way.
I think you need to discuss what you both think constitutes cheating and over- stepping the mark, and agree your own mutual boundaries.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/04/2023 14:19

There's nothing good about this.

Either it's typical of what they get up to. Which isn't good.

Or it was 'joke'. Which isn't remotely funny, just cruel.

MartinFowler · 23/04/2023 14:22

Dump him for having a poor sense of humour.

Grumpypotamus · 23/04/2023 19:10

Update op?

Duckingella · 23/04/2023 19:33

SourDoughToast · 23/04/2023 08:42

That's not funny.

I doubt he'd be laughing if you sent him a picture of you in your bra with 4 men draped over you.

What a dickhead.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Jeannie88 · 23/04/2023 19:50

Not what any of us want to see but the fact he sent it as a joke suggests they're just all mates. If he was to do something it would be secretive. I would make it clear it was inappropriate and as a first time put it down to him arsing about. Ask him how he would feel it was you. Sorry to be a bit sexist but men generally are a bit more immature and daft and what we and they see is often completely different. X

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 23/04/2023 20:03

So he doesnt apologise and your worried (frighted?) about having an argument with him? That on top of the insensitive (putting it kindly) photo, makes him sound like a dick.

2ndGenerationHomeEducator · 23/04/2023 20:17

Don't waste any more time on him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/04/2023 20:22

Very inconsiderate and insensitive on his behalf and if you did that with other men nearly naked would he see any humour in it, doubt it. I would tell him to piss off for a few days as don't want to see his stupid face. Does he do other things to make you feel like crap.

SunflowerTed · 24/04/2023 07:53

Could be just a case of very poor judgement but I would not be happy AT ALL

Beetrootlover82 · 24/04/2023 07:55

Even if as pure as the driven snow, the fact he did this…

would have made me vomit on the spot and start packing up his stuff

have some self respect op.

qazxc · 24/04/2023 10:49

He says you should "see the humour in it" or "see the funny side"; maybe he should explain it you. What is the joke? Why did he think it would be funny? Because neither you (or most posters on here are "getting" it).
He can't do something that is likely to upset and then brush it off as humour and make you the bad guy. If he didn't mean to upset you, he should be able of basic empathy and put himself in your shoes receiving a picture like that and apologise for causing you distress.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes but any normal person would apologise, try to make things better. Not double down and gaslight you.

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