Forgiveness

[Quartzrain]

I'd love some insight. I'll try to give some... enough... background without it turning into War and Peace.

I was in an on-off relationship, which was also long-distance (but didn't start out that way) until 2019, which lasted around 8 years... albeit on and off. We knew each other at college and were together then and reconnected in our forties. We are now both early to mid fifties.

It was on and off for a number of reasons, I wouldn't say it was the distance, although that didn't help communication, especially when we fell out. The reasons we fell out were usually due to me calling him out on bad behaviour, which he almost always tried to deny, negate, minimise, excuse, effectively gaslight a lot of the time. Even when faced with the evidence of some wrongdoing or other, he always attempted to sidle out of it. I would call it a day, walk out, book a flight, it was almost always me saying enough is enough. Then 9 times out of 10 I would forgive him and we'd get back together, but then give or take a weeks... sometimes even just a handful of days, and he'd be back to making a snarky comment to insult my body, or staring at some woman's behind and then commenting negatively about my appearance. Although this didn't happen every single day, it happened enough for me to feel very upset. And I know many posters on here would say once is enough, especially if that person does apologise, but then repeats their behaviour...

2019 was the last time he criticised my appearance and I told him I would tolerate it no more. Then Covid hit and all flights grounded ... I ignored his attempts to contact me until 2021, when he lost a parent. My heart was broken, for him and for me, this person was also someone I had spent a lot of time with loved dearly. This opened up communication between us but I shut it down again last year. Then I had my own series of unfortunate events happen, massive personal stress, illness, critical illness in my family, financial problems, housing problems, career problems, everything hitting all at once. So when he contacted me again, I "caved". I flew out to see him and, well, it was a fabulous 2 weeks together. It felt as if he had changed. He was patient, gentle, calmer, he said nothing to hurt me, criticised nothing about me. He has many problems going on with his family since this parent passed away that I won't mention here, and is very preoccupied with sorting it all out, but for 2 weeks I felt as if I was his priority.

So my problem is, why am I still unable to forgive him? Why can't I forget what happened and start again... there are times when the anger about what happened and how certain things were never resolved, where I never got a straight answer from him, or he insulted me so badly that it felt like a gut punch... those things seem to be coming into my head again and I'm experiencing huge waves of rage about it. Which I haven't expressed to him... only to a close friend. One of the things I'm upset about is from back in 2010. Crazy right.... he was on dating sites after splitting from his wife and hadn't deleted them... one of them was kind of a hook-up site... when I asked him about it he tried to say it had set itself up automatically. When I didn't accept his lie, he raged at me and said if he had met any women from there, he would have met lots of them and I would look like shit compared with them.

Add to that his comments about my body, him joining dating sites whenever we argued, with Zoosk being another example where he tried to pretend to had set itself up automatically (and this was after ANOTHER argument about another dating site. SIGH..... I don't enjoy drama, but this post is starting to read like a soap episode. I told myself to have zero expectations and to just see him and be cool. Why am I still so angry.

Has anyone else managed to forgive levels of betrayal.... abuse...... and forge something good and not keep getting stuck in the past? Or is this my inner self doing its ultimate very best to scream at me and say WTH are you doing?

I think your last sentence sums it all up OP. Stop doing this to yourself. He's horrible

Hi OP, I think your last sentence says it all.

He sounds awful. Why are you putting up with a man who disrespects you, critisises your appearance and is on dating sites.

Do you pay for all the travel costs to go and see him? Has he ever been to see you? (Sorry if I missed that).

I've just bailed out of a LDR because although he was a lovely guy who usually treated me very well I found I was generally footing most of the bill. Fuck that.

Thank you. Typing it all out (and this is a fraction of what went down) makes it even worse. But sure it seems worse because I realise I have not really forgiven him because how could I forgive when I only got more lies as answers to my questions, or more verbal abuse or manipulation.

Of course you can't forgive him OP, and neither should you. To be blunt, he doesn't give a toss about you and you know that really.

He sounds awful. Why are you putting up with a man who disrespects you, critisises your appearance and is on dating sites.

Do you pay for all the travel costs to go and see him? Has he ever been to see you? (Sorry if I missed that).

I've just bailed out of a LDR because although he was a lovely guy who usually treated me very well I found I was generally footing most of the bill. Fuck that.

Thanks suburbophobe. No he has never been here, but I had quite a cramped and poor living situation that I was always ashamed of. And flying out to see him was always a way for me to catch a break somehow.. except of course it often didn't turn out that way! Good you mentioned that, because I have a house move coming up, alongside helping 3 elderly relatives and other issues, and he keeps saying "shame I'm not there, I could have helped you". Well..... he isn't OFFERING. I KNOW he personally has mega stress, and has been using expensive lawyers for his family and financial issue which is HUGE since last year, but a week here with me helping me to sort and pack would be massive for me and not a big deal for him. I have a really bad damp problem where I live, but will be out of it soon, he has said it doesn't matter, it wouldn't bother him, but no sign of him offering to fly here to actually DO something.

It was the same several years back when I miscarried, he called, but didn't come. Said all the right things. It says it all really.

He paid for my flights once. He does usually pay for everything like food and other transport while I am out there, that has got quite pricey recently but it still much less than here. He does all the right things in terms of making nice meals and always had breakfast waiting for me, asking me what I need, but none of that is making what happened before OK.

There is other stuff too that has upset me. This is bad because I snooped on his phone (shout at me now, I know... but given what had gone down before....). And well, sums it up... once the trust is badly broken.... I saw a really odd message on Whatsapp from his sister-in-law while we were sitting together. There were several photos of a woman which were all fuzzy looking... must have been deleted. So I snooped while he was asleep. At some point last year, not all that long before he contacted me again, his sister-in-law was trying to set him up with her friend. I listened to his message back to her and he kept repeating how stunning this woman was and how he was sure she would never be interested in him, but he hoped she would be. Then the messages suddenly went to 2023, when I was staying there, so he must have deleted a load of them, and the photos and his audios were the only thing left. Obviously she wasn't interested... or it just never worked out..... but that as well plus a whole load of messages obviously deleted was another sign of stuff being hidden from me.

Sure we weren't together, I told him to leave me alone, he would email every few weeks, then it dropped to every few months, asking me what was wrong, to get in touch, he missed me, needed me etc. He was free to do whatever he wanted to really. But it just feels like another "betrayal", if that makes any sense, like here's good old me again, good old reliable "forgiving" me again.

Yet more other stuff.... several years back I caught him Googling for sex clubs in a couple of towns an hour or so's drive from where he was living as well as in his own home town. He blamed it on a friend borrowing his phone. When we talked a little this time round about why I ended it again, I told him how the hell could I trust someone who, after an argument, went looking for sex clubs. Although at the time it happened, he claimed he could not remember who exactly and why, this time he had a story ready to serve up. One which made no sense at all whatsover and which holds zero water.

Time to pull the plug. The seconds of my life are ticking by. I could meet someone here, but not while still connected to this idiot. I am merely a convenience to him. Miss Reliable and Everready. Rejected by the stunner, good ole me again..... I need to get my self-respect screwed firmly back in!!

You can't forgive him firstly because you don't think he should be forgiven (he's an arse & you shouldn't) and secondly because out of all the time you've known him, he's only been nice for 2 weeks!!!!!

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Has anyone else managed to forgive levels of betrayal.... abuse...... and forge something good and not keep getting stuck in the past? Or is this my inner self doing its ultimate very best to scream at me and say WTH are you doing?

Why would you want to 'forgive' repeated incidents of betrayal and abuse?

Thank goodness your inner self is not fooled and knows better than to try and forgive.

Thank goodness NM exists for us to point this out to you.

Your life will be so much better for getting rid.

The important thing for you is to start building up good things in your life so you are not tempted to keep going back to Jim. All the best.

Just another wee observation.... and this is something that I think has "triggered" me to realise that I'm being an absolute fool and of course NOTHING has changed... I left my mobile round at my neighbour's house a few days ago, so didn't get to reply to his text until 8 hours or more after he sent it. I explained what had happened and apologised. Then the following day he read my good morning text and ignored it all day, then ignored me for another 24 hours. He did this ALL THE TIME before, like a tit for tat, like a power game. He is an ABUSIVE tit and I would be an even BIGGER tit for allowing myself to be played by him any longer!

Yeah I’m echoing everyone else and saying why on earth would you WANT to forgive him? He’s vile. Just block him on everything and get on with your life

Dear OP
You are in the 'realisation montage' at the end of the movie. Overall, he is bad news and adds nothing to your life. You can only do your part in a relationship- no more, no less. I wish you well in your future. It is now your decision how to end it. He is essentially blocking your chance at a happy future with or without a romantic suitor. Best of luck and good wishes.