Have I ballsed up here?

[thecaramelwafer]

Met dp 8 months ago. He's great, messages and calls daily, he's always got nIce things to say about me, clearly fancies me, really good sex, talks a bit about the future as in he sees me in it but no specifics. Which is fine as we're both going through divorces and taking it slow.

I said early on I felt his hurt at his marriage ending was still palpable (it's been 3 years but unexpected and traumatic). I was worried this would be a problem for us. I don't actually think he's bothered about his wife but just feels really fucked over and misses his family unit.

He's done nothing conscious to make me doubt he loves me, he's said it a few times but struggles to express it verbally and often leaves me hanging when I say it to him. He shows it though in how he treats me.

He mentioned the other night he's worried about his lack of emotions. I think his defenses are so strong from his divorce and custody battle, he struggles to feel anything. People say believe what people show you (which would be that he does love me) not what they say (or don't, very often), does that count in this case or have I ignored a massive red flag and need to run for the hills?

In a nut shell, I feel he probably loves me but I could never make up for the loss of his wife (not her personally but the concept) and family unit. Is that something you could live with?

I think reading this back I've ignored a massive 🚩 and done fucked up 🥴

I’d say it’s both actions and words, to have none of one of them is a red flag to me. However…eight months is arguably still getting-to-know-each-other (depending how frequently you see each other etc), so do you feel you are both steadily becoming closer? It concerns me that the talk of him being unable to feel, to be emotionally available, is him backing away from any level of commitment and the L word.
How do you feel on a day to day basis? Cherished? Valued? Seen by him as the incredible person you are? Does he do practical things regularly (eg my DH used to in the “honeymoon period” regularly make me breakfast, because it made him happy knowing I’d had that good start to my stressful days…he still does this!)

No op if its his first love then you will be second best I learnt my lesson after being second best for 13 years if he really loves you he will tell you and show you

OP - you are only 8 months into a relationship. And both of you are going through divorces. And his seems acrimonious.
So - I think you are expecting way too much given the reality of situation. And at the same time jumping to conclusions because you are scared yourself.

First off - for many people 8 months isn’t still early days in a relationship to really love anyone. For me - I certainly need to really know the other person - and that takes time. First 6 months is all about luat and fireworks and projecting the sort of person yeh think the other one wants to see. And then - slowly opening up and showing the real you. And that - with normal dating. All takes even longer with more complicated situations.
Being verbal about love - Vs showing it with actions - is really about personality types. I find it ridiculous and fake to keep using L word daily, for eg - and in the end of phone conversations - and having to always say it back when the other one says it. Repetitiveness makes it lose meaning for me. Seeing a red flag there - especially when you say he makes you feel loved with actions - says more about your fears than about his actual feelings.

And finally - your last paragraph is very telling. I think you are really scared that you won’t be enough and no one can replace his family unit. Sure. That is factually true. Just as it’s true that no subsequent love is felt with the same intensity as the first love.
But that doesn’t mean that people don’t go on to have new relationships after they have been hurt. Or that those new relationships are less meaningful or real.

I am few years after a difficult divorce that took a few years. When in the midst of it all - I probably also was numb to an extent. It’s a terrible process. Takes a lot out of you.

In your place - I’d stop expecting some fairytale at this time and focus on getting through this more difficult phase in both of your lives. It’s hard enough without making looking for unnecessary drama.
If you are making each other happy right now and looking into a possible future - this is as good as it can get atm. Enjoy it and support each other.
Once you are on the other side of divorces and all the parties have adjusted - this is when healing will properly begin. And your relationship will hopefully evolve too.

Thanks for the really balanced views. I really think he's a great guy and worth waiting for, this is the only single thing I'd have any concern over, he's been so balanced and normal and lovely and does do little things all the time to show he's thinking of me. I'm having a hard time with my ex trying to mess with me through my kids so I'm probably feeling fragile this weekend as it is. I need to just take a little step back I think and just proceed with caution. Thanks so much.