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Relationships

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Original poster

How long do I wait for him?

21 replies

Chocolatiet · 22/04/2023 23:02

My husband has moved out. He is living with his brother. He tells me that he isn't sure if he wants to separate for good, but that he can't come home just yet because he's too hurt by some of the things I've said to him. I have told him the truth about a few things I have been unhappy about and he hasn't been able to deal with it (no cheating ot anything like that).

We're having space away from each other to decide, but it's already been 4 months!!

I've suggested relationship counselling and he doesn't want to go. I genuinely don't understand how we are supposed to work through anything like this if he isn't sure if he wants to separate either.

I don't want my marriage to end, but I also can't wait around forever. I have told him this today. How long is a reasonable time for me to wait for him to decide whether or not to come home and work at things or whether to divorce indefinitely? There are also young DCs involved.

OP posts:

MumToTooManyBoys · 22/04/2023 23:21

Is he parenting while away?

Toiletfriend · 22/04/2023 23:34

Personally I'd be be taking the power back and telling him it's over. The dithering is probably over another woman. He's had long enough to leave you dangling.

SavBlancTonight · 22/04/2023 23:35

So....you were unhappy and told him and he moved out because he was so upset? Just a guess... you haven't;t begged his forgiveness for these things or agreed that in fact, they are okay? And I'm also guessing but I bet he is just doing the bare mimijmn of parenting - popping by for dinner once or twice week rtc? What about finances?

Because it sounds to me like he's got a great life he's basically single but with a family in tap when he wants them. Are you still having sex? Cos that's got to be extra convenient for him.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 05:50

Because it sounds to me like he's got a great life he's basically single but with a family in tap when he wants them. Are you still having sex? Cos that's got to be extra convenient for him.

It never occurred to me that the OP and her DH would still be shagging in these circumstances. Surely not?

BombasticSideEye · 23/04/2023 06:06

I don't think that's how marriages are supposed to work. I understand the need to take a break if things have gotten bad but moving out indefinitely until he's made his mind up is juvenile and cruel. From his perspective, was everything hunky dory until you said these things to him? Is he upset about your delivery or the content of why you said? Was it based on his treatment of you or the state of your marriage generally? I'm not asking to pry, just trying to ascertain whether there are bigger issues at hand or whether he is deliberately trying to punish you somehow. Either way, I agree with PP, take control of the situation yourself. I wouldn't be waiting around tbh, you only get one life.

Abacusporttaco · 23/04/2023 06:18

He’s keeping his options open, you dangling, he’s punishing you for his shortcomings, and he’s allowed currently to live a single life free of responsibility, while playing the victim.

I’d stop playing that game right away.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 23/04/2023 06:30

I think 4 months is already more than enough time for him to make up his mind if he's prepared to work on things or if he's done. He's leaving you hanging and even if it wasn't nasty to you to do so, he's also leaving your DC in limbo, wondering what's going on. This really can't be good for them. .

MrsRickAstley · 23/04/2023 06:32

It's over. He's made his choice. Close the door.

Giggorata · 23/04/2023 06:47

So you told him some things he didn't like and he was so hurt… NO, he didn’t get everything his own way and huffed off in a sulk.

I think you have waited far too long.
I also think that he is bullshitting you. Won't actually do anything useful, like discussing things with you or relationship counselling.

As Abacussporttaco has observed, “He’s keeping his options open, you dangling, he’s punishing you for his shortcomings, and he’s allowed currently to live a single life free of responsibility, while playing the victim.”

It is a game and you don't have to play.
Why does he get to decide your future?

Find your anger at being treated so badly and bin him off.

Cc1998 · 23/04/2023 07:24

Abacusporttaco · 23/04/2023 06:18

He’s keeping his options open, you dangling, he’s punishing you for his shortcomings, and he’s allowed currently to live a single life free of responsibility, while playing the victim.

I’d stop playing that game right away.

This. He's jumped right on this as the excuse to do what he wants and you're the bad guy.
Take back the power OP.

Original poster

Chocolatiet · 23/04/2023 08:04

Just to give some clarification:

We're not having sex, however, things progressed between us once two weeks ago and I thought it was us rekindling things, but on discussion, he's actually still uncertain and blames me for a lot. He kept saying about taking things "very slowly" which was a huge red flag for me after he's already been gone 5 months (not 4) I've just worked out that it's actually been 5!! I apologised for my short comings and he would not apologise for his. He said he believes I am at fault.

The evening he left, the way I delivered my issues with him and the people he associates with was abrasive. I was angry and so I was extremely harsh. However, everything I said was true. I have apologised several times for the way I went about things. I also spoke out to the people associated with him at the time, very truthfully and honestly and he was concerned about his reputation more than anything else. His words were "you have humiliated me." But I only told the truth about how these people were making me feel. I don't want to deviate from the post so I'll leave the details out. I told him to leave as he wouldn't take any responsibility whatsoever and I was furious. I asked a few weeks later if we could work through our issues together, he said we could but nothing practical has happened to work through anything.

He tells me that he will "always love" me but that he can't "do or show love" towards me "at the moment." It does feel like he's keeping his options open. Whenever I speak about selling the house, he says "I'm not ready yet."

In terms of parenting:
He has a maximum of 1 overnight per week with the children at his brother's. He however is coming to the house 2-3 days a week to see the children before or after school and has an evening in the week with them for dinner at his brother's each week. It largely feels like he dips in and out. He tells me things are very hard for him living with his brother as he sits upstairs most of the time so not to interfere in his brother and girlfriend's evenings together.

However, he is doing a lot more with his friends and more hobbies since he left, so I'm not sure if things are as bad as he makes out. He certainly has no house keeping to do anymore and I always expected him to contribute equally domestically before he left, so things will be a lot easier for him now.

It's difficult when he comes in the house to see the children as he tries to instigate friendly conversation with me as if we're best mates. This is highly confusing for me. It's hardly like he's acting as hurt as he makes out he is. I try to go out as much as possible, but I'm exhausted raising two young DCs alone and often I just want to lie down when it's my time off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolatiet · 23/04/2023 08:28

Financially speaking- everything has remained the same. We are both making equal contributions to the family home. He is living with his bother for free, he just has to buy his own food which comes out of our joint budget which again, we both contribute to financially. I work 4 days (20 hours total) and do 7 school runs out of 10. He does no school runs so earns more than me as he works longer days. My earnings are fairly good for the hours I work ut he earns twice as much as me.

OP posts:

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 08:39

My situation wasn't exactly the same as yours but had similarities; we had a couple of shorter "trial" separations...

What I ended up needing to do was allow myself to envision and plan a future without my DP, and allow myself to dwell and consider that and all that went with it, and live out the separation out in my mind whereas up to that point it had always been "how do I try and fix this". That gave me clarity and the mental strength when it came to ending it. It sounds like your relationship is dead but neither of you will call time on it.

Dery · 23/04/2023 09:47

I agree with @gerbilcrocus - your relationship sounds like it’s over. Sounds like overall he’s really enjoying the single life but he’s played it so you feel you’re at fault. This is not how a committed husband behaves. Sounds like he was happy with how things were and really didn’t like you finding your voice. I also would say - no need to wait any longer: he’s doing nothing meaningful to try to fix what’s broken. He’s found he enjoys being able to live like he’s single most of the time so he’s in no rush to come back. I suggest telling him you’ve given him as much time as you have it in you to give and you need some certainty now so you’re going to be starting divorce proceedings.

MagpiePi · 23/04/2023 09:53

Are you actually quite liking not having him around?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 23/04/2023 09:57

I would say it’s over, and he’s waiting for you to initiate a divorce so he can carry on feeling (and saying) you are responsible for the breakup of the marriage, while you’re waiting for him to make the decision. Basically what @gerbilcrocus says.

Being the person who feels responsible for breaking up a marriage is a very tough thing to carry, especially where children are involved. Maybe solo counselling will help you?

Starlingnest · 23/04/2023 10:13

I don't see how you can reconcile when he is refusing to take any responsibility and blames it all on you. Until he accepts completely he is also at fault and commits to work on that there really is no hope.

In terms of how long to wait, 5 weeks would have been too long.

Original poster

Chocolatiet · 23/04/2023 10:20

MagpiePi · 23/04/2023 09:53

Are you actually quite liking not having him around?

In some ways life is easier and some ways life is harder @MagpiePi . Practically speaking, everything is harder. Being a lone parent at night is harder.
But not being around the sulking and emotional tension is much easier.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocolatiet · 23/04/2023 10:21

Thanks all. I am going to call it a day at 6 months. I think half a year is awfully long enough. I know that's probably too long too.

Yes carrying that responsibility is massive @LadyGardenersQuestionTime . I am already in couselling, luckily and working through the hard feelings.

OP posts:

WateryDoom · 23/04/2023 10:35

I'd be speaking to a solicitor now and instigating divorce proceedings.

He has moved out. Who cares if he's 'not ready' to sell the house, or make a decision. It is confusing for the children and he is also keeping them dangling. They must wonder what the hell is going on.

Choose to move on with your own life. He's not going to put any effort in.

Original poster

Chocolatiet · 25/04/2023 14:41

I agree that this isn't fair on the children anymore. There is also lots of confusion when he's here again and gone again. For them, we probably need to sell the house now and buy two smaller separate properties.

OP posts:

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