How to separate amicably?

[Chocolatepancakes11]

I’ve been with DH for 7 years, married for 1 year and have a 5 month old. DH has never been the most helpful or most attentive but things have gone from ‘okay’ to dreadful since I got pregnant and had baby. There’s not one specific thing, but a whole host of issues that I think boil down to DH always expecting his life to be better and more. He always wants his own way with everything and there is no compromise. As everybody knows, inflexibility is not conducive to married life with a baby and so we’re now at the stage where I feel trapped and like I need to leave. Of course, because he has to have his own way and won’t bend at all, I will need to leave the family home with our baby because he doesn’t do childcare (or ‘watch the baby for me’ as he calls it, like he’s a friend watching her whilst I nip to grab milk).

The main issues are that he expects his life to be like it was before we had our DC, including his social life. He turns up home from work whenever he fancies because he goes off doing hobbies without even mentioning it. He does no housework and very little childcare. He also doesn’t speak to me at all when he is at home, he just sits on his phone (spends approx 11 hours a day on social media according to insights) and sighs and makes a huge issue of me asking for any help. I have no access to any joint money, he doesn’t want to share finances at all but he is a high earner and we don’t get child benefit or tax free childcare etc, and I have no way to access his accounts to know how much he has as everything is paperless so only on his phone. Numerous comments about my postpartum body and obviously very little intimacy other than wanting oral sex from me. Generally, I just don’t think I’m liked or valued as a person by him and I know I can’t change that.

I just need advice from anyone who has done this before on what to do… as we’re married and we jointly own our home, can I apply for social housing? Can I apply for UC? I have no idea where to start. Sorry for the long post, I’m just a bit sad and desperate.

You can certainly go and see your local housing officer and ask about being on the housing list - that would be a start. another option would be to sell the house and split the proceeds 50/50 and purchase our own places.

Can you leave with your baby and go and stay with family while the house is sold? I don't think you can apply for social housing if you jointly own a house, although I'm no expert.

Tell your husband the marriage is over and you want out. Tell him to either buy you out of the house or put it on the market as soon as possible. Then see what benefits you will be entitled to as a single parent.

Do you have no access to any of the money at all or does he pay for everything? And has the matter of money ever been discussed between you?

I think you can apply for child benefit and have it paid directly into a bank of your own to which he has no access. Could you manage perhaps to get some legal advice on your position? Do you have any family that might help - perhaps lend you some money to see a solicitor if you can't afford it. Is there anyone in real life you could talk to about this?

He does sound like a selfish arse with little to no regard for you at all. I also wonder if you are looking to achieve an amicable separation because you are concerned he might turn 'difficult'.

See a solicitor at your very first opportunity, and don't leave your home. It will have to be sold or he will have to buy you out.

Do not leave your home. I repeat do not leave your home. See a lawyer asap- A good, recommended family lawyer.

Thank you all.
Regarding money, I have a job and pay half of all bills plus fund everything for my DC as he doesn’t see why I shouldn’t pay for everything for her. I have access to my own money obviously but I don’t have access to anything more - there is no family pot. I tried many times whilst I was pregnant to ask for things to be reviewed and for transparency with money but he refused and wouldn’t engage so we are where we are.

I am worried about him being difficult and being stuck financially because I will need to work to live obviously, but I am concerned that he will make it very difficult for me by refusing to pay anything towards our DC. I work full time but I’m on mat leave so I’ll need to figure out how to go back to work if I leave and need to factor in paying full childcare if he won’t contribute (unlikely tbh).

Your first port of call needs to be a solicitor who will set you off in the right direction.

Not sure whether you have family or friends where you might stay in the interim to you finally getting your own accommodation.

It really does sound as though you need to be away from this man; and I send lots of luck in getting it all sorted and making a proper life for you and your child. And in the meantime tell him he can stick his dick somewhere else.

Once separated he won't have much a choice about paying for his child. Have a look at the child maintenance calculator on gov.uk. if he's employed it will be hard for him to weasel his way out of at least paying something.

Heis financially abusive,