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Original poster

Ex partner using baby monitor to spy

24 replies

earlytwentiesmama · 22/04/2023 18:24

So basically need to know where I stand and any advice would be great.

My ex partner (father of my daughter) has a history of controlling and emotional abuse. Split up when pregnant but did give it a go after my daughter was born (silly decision, but desperately wanted a family)

We have since split up and we use a wifi baby monitor. He has access to it as he still uses my place to look after our daughter until he gets his own. He swore he was using it for that only.

However I had friends over yesterday and was going on a date that night and at 10am whilst he was at work he was listening in to the camera and hearing my conversation.

Sent me paragraphs gaslighting me, threatening me and telling me I'm basically the most awful human being. But I feel completely violated he was listening in to my private conversations in my own home and think he must have been doing it for some time.

Not sure where to go with this? He's a good dad and a terrible partner?

OP posts:

blahblahblah1654 · 22/04/2023 18:25

Use a more simple camera and stop letting him in your house. Not your problem if he has nowhere suitable to have the baby.

Wrongsideofpennines · 22/04/2023 18:26

Get rid of the WiFi monitor immediately and get a traditional one. Other people being able to hack into it and spy on you creeps me out anyway.

And then seek legal advice about acces to your daughter. If he can be so vile towards you then whats stopping him from being vile towards her?

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/04/2023 18:28

A good Dad would not do this. Get rid of the monitor and stop him from having any access to your house.

tribpot · 22/04/2023 18:30

If he only needs to use this baby monitor whilst in your house, why does it need to be wifi enabled? He doesn't need remote access for the purpose of looking after his child whilst in your house, he can just use the receiver rather than a phone app, I assume?

(Admittedly I haven't used a baby monitor in about 16 years but they're not all wifi-enabled now, are they?).

As an aside, do you have any other smart devices like Alexas? I would be worried he's got access to those too.

Option 1 - turn off the baby monitors except when you're using them to monitor the baby. I wouldn't do that for fear of forgetting to turn it back on.

Option 2 - get a lower tech baby monitor which can only be accessed from inside the house.

I wouldn't trust him not to try to listen in a different way, however, and wouldn't want him in the house again. What's he threatening you with? Anything you could take to the police?

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/04/2023 18:36

Also, change the pin on the WiFi monitor so he can't snoop.

Change your locks and inform the police because it may come under the malicious communications legislation. Then get him charged......he's stalking you.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/04/2023 18:43

Don’t let him in your house anymore. Who knows what he is doing in there. He needs to come up with somewhere suitable to have contact.

Either disable the wifi or use a different monitor. I would call the police for a chat. His behaviour is not normal

Original poster

earlytwentiesmama · 22/04/2023 18:55

I've taken the camera away and my sister has just given me a basic one.

He says he's done absolutely nothing wrong and the only reason I'm upset is because I was caught out :(

I don't want my daughter where he is currently staying so I felt it was better to be at my place but I'm just so upset over this. I can't even talk to him without him flying off the handle and I don't think the police would be at all interested.

The threats were, if I have any man around my house it'll get very messy etc etc. I asked him to trust I would only ever put my daughter first but he doesn't care: feel like he's going to sit outside my house in the evenings or something.

Very stressed out and emotionally tired

OP posts:

tribpot · 22/04/2023 19:04

Don't rise to the bait of discussing your dating life with him. You don't have to justify yourself to him any more. If he does start sitting outside your house (a) more fool him as you're hardly going to be bringing men back to your actual house and (b) keep a log and eventually the police will be interested in it.

How long is it going to be until he has his own place?

He says he's done absolutely nothing wrong

I hope you do know that isn't true. Why would he need to access the baby monitor at 10 in the morning when not looking after his child?

Hope you're not planning on cancelling future dates - it has nothing to do with him.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/04/2023 19:08

He's burnt his bridges with regards to using your home for access time.
If you help him out after he treated you so badly, more fool you.

Greenflamesburn · 22/04/2023 19:11

You did the right thing by swapping the baby monitor. You are not an awful person 💐

Personal I would log the treats he has made. Saying things will get messy could mean a lot of things yes, however in this context it's not an invitation to go paint balling is it?!
Yes you are upset and have every right to be he has violated your privacy and trust. He is angry and threatening as he has been caught out.

Again you have done nothing wrong. As long as your child is looked after and safe you can do what you want with your me time.
I agree with PP if he has a key change the locks.

CreamTeaThievery · 22/04/2023 19:28

My ex did the same thing with one of those dog cameras.

I managed to get a non molestation order against him. Keep any texts etc as evidence because I think that is what you are going to have to do sooner or later.

For now I am glad to see you have changed the camera. Access no longer happens at your house.

Do not reply to anything other that arrangements for your child.

Don't try to placate him, cajole him, reassure him, it's none of his business who you have in your home and he needs to back off. Don't engage with conversation about it

Tinkerbyebye · 22/04/2023 19:33

I would be reporting to the police, it’s abuse

I would also not be letting him the house now to see the child. He can take me to court where I would present all the information about how abusive he is

he is no example to your child

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 22/04/2023 19:37

Women’s Aid are good at advising on how to deal with controlling ex partners.
He is in the wrong. Hugely. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He gets no say in your dating life whatsoever. He needs to come up with a suitable solution for contact with your baby that isn’t in your house. If he can’t. He can pay for a contact centre.

Name99 · 22/04/2023 20:51

You need to nip this in the bud now.
He has shown he can not behave himself
No more access to your daughter in your house, he can not be trusted.
Report this to the police and tell them about his past behaviour.
Put a claim in with CMS, I promise you he will mess about with payments when he starts losing control of you in other ways.
You're within your rights to not let him take your child until he has appropriate accommodation.
I had an ex like this, it took me a while to realise that a good dad does not abuse and threaten the mother of his children.
He is not a nice person, you owe him nothing, take control now of this situation.

billy1966 · 22/04/2023 23:19

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/04/2023 18:36

Also, change the pin on the WiFi monitor so he can't snoop.

Change your locks and inform the police because it may come under the malicious communications legislation. Then get him charged......he's stalking you.

This.

Involve the police.

Starking and threats.

Take it seriously.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2023 23:21

Tinkerbyebye · 22/04/2023 19:33

I would be reporting to the police, it’s abuse

I would also not be letting him the house now to see the child. He can take me to court where I would present all the information about how abusive he is

he is no example to your child

This. It’s abusive.

Reggiebo · 22/04/2023 23:30

Cameras are really small...has he

Reggiebo · 22/04/2023 23:31

Posted too soon.... concealed any while he has been at your home.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 22/04/2023 23:46

He can fuck right off. Stop letting him have a opinion, stop letting him in your home. If you do find any other devices go straight to the police. This is not ok. Set boundaries, do not let him use your child to control you. He has no power over you. Do not let him control the next 20 of your life.

Thelnebriati · 22/04/2023 23:46

He says he's done absolutely nothing wrong and the only reason I'm upset is because I was caught out :(

He's lying, its illegal to use tech to spy on someone. I suggest you find out how to check for hidden cameras in your home, and talk to the police. You can phoine the local station and ask to speak to someone about domestic abuse.
You can also talk to Women's Aid, they can help you with cyberstalking.

If you use Android, there's an app you can download that will scan for Air Tags.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 11:03

Thelnebriati · 22/04/2023 23:46

He says he's done absolutely nothing wrong and the only reason I'm upset is because I was caught out :(

If you use Android, there's an app you can download that will scan for Air Tags.

If he's so sure he's done nothing wrong he will be happy for you to check it out with the police.

Involve the police.
This is very sinister.

Tangelablue · 23/04/2023 11:13

Log it with the police, if his behaviour escalates and he becomes threatening then it will help you get a non molestation order.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/04/2023 11:16

Agree with speaking to the police. I wpuld also stop access at your house and refuse access until he can provide a suitable home environment.

At the minute you are letting your stalker into your house that cannot continue for your safety and your childs

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2023 11:50

Caught out with what exactly?
You're a grown, single woman and can date who you like. He doesn't own you.

I'd report him to the police for his threats to harm you if you date.

Also change your wifi password and your ĺocks.

Might also be wise to check your house fir hidden cameras and recording equipt

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