The relationship between your siblings and your children

[vannah]

Hello
Id really like to know if its strong, and what to expect really.
I have been the most fantastic aunt to my sister's children and brothers. Granted, I was single at the time and being a teacher they thought that my great rapport with the children just came naturally and that I loved it.

The truth is that I absolutely adored my nieces and nephews but didnt really always want to spend 4 hours at a time playing games with them - it got boring and was sometimes hard work, but I gave them time to help my brother/sister and to make these little children who adored me happy.

Now, in my late 30s I have children of my own. DS is 2 and my newborn daughter is 2 months. Both my brother and sister have had virtually NOTHING to do with my children. Its so sad when the doorbell rings and I ask my little boy 'who could that be?' and his reply is 'Aunty Sam', but of course it never is - she has seen him about 4 times. She lives 20 mins away from me and doesnt work, her teenage daughters are at school.

Last night she despaired that my brothers children were coming to visit her. Her despicable words were: 'What on earth am I going to do with them? I dont do "Aunty" - thats YOUR department"

I made my excuses and hung up. And have felt sad all day.
Am I expecting too much?

I know what you mean. What about your neices could they be encouraged to come over and spend time with your lo.

I have a similar problem. Oldest sister had kids and we all adored them, did tonnes to give them a break, we had them staying lots of weekends etc in my mums house. Now they are teenagers, and everyone in my family still feels compelled to offer to take them for weekends - it's a habit you see. And my sister is definately not shy at asking for people to babysit.

I, on the other hand, can't bear to ask for help - my own fault I know. And the only help I get is when I ask for it (rarely) or from my mum and dad. It gets me down too, so I sympathise with you. But DH is constantly telling me that my expectations (that people will be as generous with the kids as I am to theirs) are not reasonable in this day and age.

Surround yourself with friends who support you, maybe people with young kids like you...

Sadly I am afraid to say yes - you are expecting too much.

You are judging her by your own standards. You probably don't share the same values and opinions so why the same standards?

Life would be easier if friends and relatives were able to meet the standards by which we judge them. In day to day life it often isn't an issue - it is only when you need a friend, you realise things may not be as you hoped.

Maybe you could contact her to ask what she mean't when she said she didn't do aunty particularly in relation to your own children. Only then will you realise what she has to offer and be able to accept the situation and that what you put in to this relationship may not be what you get out.

Good luck from someone who recently found out to their dismay who their friends were

thankyou for the replies, kd thanks for being honest about it, it makes sense what you are saying. Sorry about your friends...
Violet my nieces - the teenage ones, are always 'busy'. Permanently.

I have 3 sisters who are great with the DC. two have Dc of their own and live a distance away But always ring , talk and play when they can. I have one sister who lives in the same road as me who is fantastic with the DC and is like a third parent. My 2 brothers never have anything t do with the DC and may as well not exit the DC don't even know who they are.

I think there is an issue of stages...your siblings probably feel they have already 'done' the baby phase, and aren't really in the frame of mind for little ones any more.

It's a sad fact that the first batch of children tend to get all the attention from the extended family, the later ones are just 'another' nephew/niece, grandchild, etc.

My brother has 4 kids of his own, we always went to their parties etc, went over to theirs at Xmas and all that. My DS is a year old and has never even met his uncle. We don't even get invited to birthdays etc any more and I don't really know why.

My sister on the other hand (no DC) is a fab auntie and comes round after work to play with DS every week or two (then we sneak off to the pub while DH babysits ).

When I was single I adored my sisters' kids. All of them!

2 of my sisters' give birth 3 weeks before my wedding day, so I have a lovely photo in my album with 2 newborns on my knee & the rest of my neices & nephews at my feet.. they were/are all very important to me.

We all treat each others children like our own. When I call my sisters' I speak to their kids & mine speak to theirs.

1 of my sisters drops my dd off at school for me 2 days a week, I had her 2 overnight on Valentines night.

I think families need to show that they care. I love the fact that when my dd & ds spend time with my sister they come home with new info. Thanks to being with my sister yesterday for an hour, my dd now knows what my fave dinner was as a child & that my sister fed me (she's 11 years older than me!!) And my ds knows where his biceps are & how to do squats (my sis is an aerobics instructor)

All you can do is encourage a relationship, but don't force one

my only sibling my sister loves my ds she is 15 and calls herself cool aunt ... and last week when i had bad bronchitis she arrived at my door[on her mid term hols]and said wheres his buggy ill bring him to the shopping center for a few hours to give you a rest!she was gone for four hours,spoilt him so rotten he didnt want to know me when he came home!i wouldnt have spent five minutes with a baby at her age but she is great with him

I was definitely a better aunt when I didn't have dc to my SILs- because I had more energy! However I still adore my neices and nephews and love spending time with them but have to give more time to my own toddlers!

My sister has 2 children who are similar ages to mine and it's great- they live 2hours away but we try to see each other a lot and I have looked after my neice on several occasions- she calls me 'mummy' sometimes which is sweet (though she knows I'm not!)

Also my SIL's who's children are a bit older (10 and 8; and 6 and 2) are fab with my dc and great at playing with them. My SIL who has the 10 nad 8yo invited me to stay before Christmas to give me a break from cooking etc (mine are 2.9, 19mth and I'm pg) and she babysat one evening while I went to meet a friend.

My brother is younger and is single but he is great with the kids and they love him to bits.

I think families should be like this but unfortunately no family is perfect all the time.

I think the reality is that a lot of people don't do other people's kids, regardless of whether they're family.

I see fairly little of my sister as she works full-time and bil is in the police so works shifts so she spends most weekends at my mum's. However her and my ds get on very well and play nicely together so I'm always happy to have him over eg in school holidays/on weekends etc.

Sil on the other hand really just isn't interested in my ds at all and I put this down to the fact that she doesn't have children of her own and is just not maternal at all. In the beginning this really upset me, after all how dare someone not think the world of my pfb in the same way as I do . But as time went by I realized that it was her loss, and that ds really wasn't going to be any worse off for not having her in his life. Her dh is excellent with children and if they saw each other more often he and ds probably would have a good relationship, but we see them maybe twice a year so that'll just never happen.

Oh i know what you mean. I would climb over fire to be with my nephew, and i really hope my sister feels the same if/when i eventually have my own children. He is so important to me!