Men who condition women

[Winesoakedteatowel]

Are there men who actively condition women to think their feelings are invalid so that they have control over everything or am I overthinking?

I am not trying to simplify gaslighting or abuse I am just wondering if there is a remote possibility that there could be an unintentional fall out sometimes when sometimes good intentions are not always aligned to the reality of a situation.

Yes, the road to hell was paved with good intentions and all that of course, I don’t disagree actions are what matters.

you’re describing manipulation & undermining, to manoeuvre you and elicit a specific response
yes there are men who behave like this, to control, to manage to dominate
if you really think it applies in your relationship, run. Seriously get some support a friend you can rely upon

Can you give some examples?

So you're asking whether abusers know they're abusing? Some do. There really are control freaks who get satisfaction out of taming their partner - and others around them. They strategise it.

Others, likely the majority, do much the same thing but unconsciously or at least without a game plan in mind. They're playing out embedded scripts from what their childhood taught them and subsequent developments.

The first type is more scary to think about but, as you say, the outcomes are the same.

In answer to your question, yes.

I think it's far easier to think about it on the framework of brainwashing. There are men who brainwash women into putting his thoughts/feelings/wants/life above hers. Just like with brainwashing in a cult, there may be moments she thinks what's happening may be happening, but usually by then she's so far down the line of being brainwashed, that she "corrects" her thinking to realign with what makes sense: the brainwashers' agenda.

As the previous poster said, some do it consciously, others not. I'd add onto that that those who do it in the "acting out childhood patterns" way can/do also get a satisfaction out of it. It's like an unconscious pathway to feeling good. The fact that she's broken as a result is barely, if at all, relevant, because some strong, intrinsic needs of his are satisfied. Like when you drink a cold glass of water on a hot day, it just feels good and you want another. You don't stop to think of the biological reasons it feels good. You're just happy your mouth isn't parched and your not thirsty.

Thank you all for your replies. Very interesting point about ‘taming’, and manipulating women to place her feelings last.

I am also wondering why some men ‘punish’ women when they raise issues in relationships, this is what I am experiencing at the moment and when I can’t verbalise matters things escalate in a round about way but the outcome is the same I feel like Im over reacting and have done something wrong when in fact I’m upset due to an absolute lack of consideration. A bit vague I know!

A healthy relationship wouldn't raise these sorts of questions, and if you had healthy boundaries, you'd know that if you start wondering about different styles of abuse/control/conditioning within your relationship, you need to get out.

A relationship that's good for you feels good, OP, pretty much all the time.

You are defining an emotionally abusive relationship. It turns you into something you're not, and something you punish yourself for. The abuser's punishment of you then 'fits in' with your internal dialogue, and the result is that the abuser hurts you, and then you end up trying to be forgiven.

Get out. Nobody who loved or respected you would behave in this way, or treat you in a way that made you feel like this.

I am also wondering why some men ‘punish’ women when they raise issues in relationships

They do this so that we will be less likely to raise problems in the future. Keeps you quiet and malleable. They get to do what they like and slowly, slowly you become silent, confused, self blaming. It's abuse.

@Winesoakedteatowel Unfortunately, not be willing to even listen to your problem and making you get all upset because you have not been heard or understood and then blaming everything on you while DP plays the victim is a frequent manipulative technique of controlling narcissistic people.
Check out some of Ross Rosenberg's youtube videos on narcissists and codependents.

And may your eyes be opened to what has really been happening and you will never see DP again in the same light.