Feeling hurt by my mothers criticism

[Slimjimtobe]

My mother had mental health issues (threatens suicide, often housebound and never worked outside the home)

i have really good boundaries in place now but for many years her put downs cut me deep (constant negativity and drama and never seeing good in me)

i left home at 17 and went to uni self funded - got out of the poverty and now have a great life but she still hurts me (she says she’s lonely and hates herself) but I can’t tell her when I have a day off or she spoils my day off moaning and crying and telling me everything I do wrong

i just need to vent - my siblings still make comments that I left them and am selfish as I don’t get overly involved (they are male so I was always made to feel guilty for not cleaning For her)

Similar dm op. I left home at 17 also. Been nc since I was 30...over 20 years...
Of bliss....

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe a visit or coffee meet up once a week/fortnight/month and limit the time to 1-2 hours.

If she comments on what you are doing wrong you must explain that you are happy and you find it hurtful to receive this criticism and will not take further criticism but will leave to protect yourself from hurt. If she continues - walk away. And do that every single visit if the criticism continues. Your mental health is just as important as hers.

Also try and offer suggestions (which I'm sure you've done in the past!) so when she starts with 'I'm so unhappy and upset' etc you can say - I've got you a leaflet/book etc on counselling and managing those feelings etc. there's a group or a helpline. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy and seek the help she needs.

It seems a very unbalanced relationship. Have you ever had counselling to talk through it?

I would agree with a PP, set yourself an agreement with yourself that you will see her once a month or whatever and stick to it.

However, I wonder why you keep in touch at all? Guilt? Have you thought through why you would feel guilty? You are within your rights to protect your own mental health and to stay away. From your siblings too if they are as bad.

How close are you geographically?

In the past she tried to wreck my marriage and stirred trouble that meant my father and my dh (who is lovely) had a row. She hates my siblings partners and is always making nasty comments about them (appearance, tramps, anything she can say)

I keep things once a week and few phone calls as it used to be three times a week and then she’s scream I was selfish and I never actually formed proper friendships in my life I think due to low self esteem. As I studied hard I made my way but she used to call me boring and tell me certain family friends said I was boring. It’s so sad

I would never do this to my kids

Half an hour away. I can’t go nc as I did and my father said (and thought) I needed to go into a mental home

I have a really high up professional job (embarrassed writing all of this) Masters degree and two postgrads and very respectable husband. This is just crazy that I care about what she says - but I do

I feel like a cold hearted black hearted daughter to not love her like i should

If you're boring, so what? You don't exist to entertain her or other people. Does she want you to turn cartwheels? So long as you enjoy what you do, that's all you need to do. She's obviously deeply unhappy, with mh problems. Go LC or NC. People like this are toxic. Loo huh

Typo lol!

Thank you - I am happy with who I am and work hard and a good mum (I am not the most fashionable or party animal type but I’ve got my shit together ) ughh it’s so hard

Do you mean that you see her once a week and there are phone calls in between??😮

Because you need to know that that is far more than most people do with their mothers who are decent and kind .

I feel you really need some sort of support in lowering contact hugely.

I'm nearly 55 and it took me until I was in my 40s to realise that my mother's (low) opinion of me was just that - an opinion, not a fact.

I'm a massive disappointment to her because I'm not a clone of her - my adult life has been the exact opposite to hers. I've left two marriages I wasn't happy with, I've not had children being the main two differences she really objects to. And that's fine, she can object all she likes, it's not going to make the minutest difference to how I live my life.

It's coming up to 30 years that I've been in very limited contact with her - I don't live in the same country (deliberately) and haven't actually seen her in 13 years. A telephone call every month or so is the most I can cope with. In that 30 years I've had many experiences, stresses etc that she knows absolutely zero about (and never will). I tried when I was 21 to get emotional support from her and she instead completely ignored me and made it all about herself...she's a narcissist, made it obvious that she hated being a parent and that isn't going to change.