Self centred ex

[Inthebathagain]

Needing a rant.

XH makes me so cross. He consistently puts himself first above his children. We were married 20 years and he was an alright dad and far less selfish during those times.

Through his selfcentredness in our split, he now only sees DD15 a few times a year. He finally bought a 2 bed property end of last yr. M

(oops!)

DS17 began to stay with XH every other week, living with him again for the first time since our split in 2020.

XH has a wankbuddy in the US. He has visited her 3 times for about a week each time. From what I've heard, they're madly in love and have been messaging for 2 years. She is coming over here for a week and staying in XH property.

I am so cross about the pressure this puts on my son. Particularly as she and XH have spent less than 20 days together in person. This is a complete stranger to my son, and he's going to be expected to live with her for the week. Listen to his dad having sex. Watch his dad behave like a teenager everywhere he is. Having to see her hop to the bathroom. Having her in his home.

DS is just getting used to staying at his dad's. DS is too black and white to contemplate he may feel uncomfortable and that he could swap weeks. He likes routine too much.

I'm so cross that XH is doing this to DS.

You've been split for 3 years!
He's entitled to have whatever guest he chooses in his own home?
DS17 is an adult, your choice of phrases suggest this is spite on your part, what on earth is a wankbuddy?
Move on, your ex has

Can't your son come and stay with you, if he's not comfortable?

So you'd be fine having a complete stranger in your home for a week without being consulted?

As that's the position DS is being put in. No time to get to know her before having to spend a week with her full time.

And I'm definitely over XH. I'm cross XH has to have wankbuddy (look it up 😉) there the same week his son is. I'd be arranging for it to be a week when DS wasn't staying. But that's me putting my kids first.

He's unlikely to, as his brain doesn't work that way. He needs his routine, and if it's a dad week, it's a dad week. No change. However, of course he's welcome to stay with me or swap weeks. He knows that is always the case.

DS needs to navigate this one himself and I'm keeping out of it.

However, I'm letting myself quietly seethe that XH again cannot see that his son's needs and emotions should have been considered in these arrangements.

I'm gonna take a wild guess that you haven't got a new partner yourself?

Also wondering what a wankbuddy is?

It's fairly obvious what a wankbuddy is, but it's an unfortunate term to be using for the new GF.

OP I'm unsure if your DS is ND or not. The fact that you've said he needs a rigid routine suggests that he is. In which case maybe you do need to intervene and say to both of them that DS needs to go on a different week.

If you're not going to do that, I'd be very careful about the language you use around your DS and attitude when talking about the new GF. Try to be as positive as you can and of course tell him he can come home if he wants.

I get that his DFs behaviour sucks when he sees him so rarely, but being so angry about it doesn't help anyone.

So you'd be fine having a complete stranger in your home for a week without being consulted?

He's 17, not 7
Girlfriend lives overseas, she can hardly pop over for tea can she?
I'm sure this isn't a total surprise to your son?
The attitude that you have towards this situation is seething with negativity towards them, you stated in your OP that he was a decent dad, and can't be awful if your son chooses to spend time there?
What if...just what if your son and her get on really well? And she's lovely?
Then what?

Absolutely vile behaviour called her a wank buddy.

Erm I think its you that seem to have the problems my dear and creating them will clearly upset the child also. The way you talk about exes gf which is none of your business is appalling tbh. You've been separated for a long time. Get over it and grow up

I get where your're coming from op. I imagine if your son is ND and your exH is as uninvolved as your original post suggests, you feel resentment that he has had the time and the head space to move on with his life in a way you perhaps haven't.

You were together 20 years so I don't think it's unusual for you to still have confused feelings and resentments about him 3 years on. 20 years is a huge chunk of your life and you have a child together so you are connected even if you don't want to be.

I imagine you don't speak badly about the gf to your son but are just offloading your feelings on here, that's what this place is for so I don't see why people have to berate you for that.

If you feel that this situation is going to be difficult for your son then I think you need to speak to him about it gently and suggest he switches the week and stay with you instead. If he is as rigid as you say then maybe having a different person in his Dad's house may affect him and his routines as much or even more than switching weeks?

If he switched weeks he could perhaps meet the gf while she is over but in a less intense way.
I would suggest speaking to your DS is the way to go. I would leave your exH out of it.