Would you force yourself to have a relationship with cheating parent?

[IForgotOurSong]

I’m in my thirties now but I found out as a teen that one of my parents had been having an affair while my family was going through some terrible circumstances with my siblings’ health. My parents decided to try again and while I wasn’t in agreement and never forgave the affair parent, I put it to one side and maintained a relationship as I didn’t want to be estranged. Fast forward another 25 years, we find out that affair parent started another affair not long after we found out about the first one and that had been going on for 20 years. The relationship has broken down this time leaving my other parent having to find their own way during their old age and while they’re happier without the affair parent, it leaves me and my sibling with a dilemma. I can’t stand the sight of affair parent to be honest but they’re not in great health, I’d rather not see them or have my kids see them but I think they also need help at least until they get into some kind of suitable housing. Should I put everything to one side and force myself to help them, or am I within my rights just leave them to it?

Where are they both currently living? Is the affair parent with someone New? How is the faithful parent and how do they feel? Was the affair parent there for you as a child or selfishly wrapped up in their fantasy for years?

Its hard, but there’s nothing wrong with being non contact if that is what you want. I have seen many people struggle in later years due to poor choices when they were young, working and in good health. Often the chickens come home to roost and the lack of effort with their kids and family in earlier years means they are lonely when older. They have to live with their choices.

But yes, you are within your rights to leave them to it.

I wouldn’t force a relationship with anyone, for any reason. You don’t owe anyone anything. Oh

No you will only hurt yourself. They didn't care about you in the past don't waste your time caring for them. Don't feel guilty either

Yes you can leave them to it.

But what sort of help to they need to get to suitable accommodation? It might stick in the throat to help them, but (depending on the type of need) it might be better in the long run to assist a bit now on a purely admin/practical way, to ensure things are done properly ie avoiding future issues

My personal inclination, though, would be to leave it to the second affair partner and their family to sort out

I wouldn’t help. Being older and in bad health doesn’t change who they are. They spent their life being selfish and a bad person. You and your sibling owe them nothing.

You don't have to have a relationship if you don't want to, but there's a bit of an issue here with you having too much information about what is going on in your parent's relationship I feel.

Any affair is only relevant to their relationship, and whether they choose to stay or go is between them. Non-affair partner should have kept you out of it, so it wouldn't be a factor in your relationship with them.

My parents were both divorced multiple times, but because they kept me out of the details of their relationships I had the relationships I had with both them and their subsequent partners independently, which I feel is much healthier.

@HappiestPenguin affair parent is all alone (as far as we know) its all quite new so cheating parent is sofa surfing and non cheating is still at home but expecting to move out.

Affair parent was never there although to be fair was a hard worker and did provide for the family financially when we were kids.

Thanks @AuntieStella leaving it to the affair parents other person would have been ideal but they don’t want to know. It seems running around in hotels on weekday afternoons for 20 years was okay, but not having to deal with any of the practical stuff. They’re also married, their partner knows about the affair but hadn’t kicked them out (yet).

I’m not sure an affair is only relevant to the partner. An affair can cause PISD in the non cheating partner. Affecting their mental state, stress, ability to make decisions, causes depression, grief like trauma. This does affect the children. Even if the remaining parent hides it well. Having to uproot the children, move home, away from family and friends affects the children and widespread family. The personalities traits of people having affairs may mean their children are not interested in them, selfish, lack of impulse control, putting themselves before others. If they thought cheating was acceptable they could tell their spouse so they can join the party. But no they don’t, they want to have their cake and eat it! They think they deserve more than their partner. They don’t think their spouse has the right to consent to the risk of an std. They are selfish. So I can see why adult kids are no longer interested in their parent.

If someone don’t want to be with their spouse anymore that’s absolutely fine but deal with it properly. Have a discussion. Split up. There’s no need to turn into someone who sneaks around, lying, deceiving and wasting time in hotel rooms rather than time with their kids.

Sounds like affair parent has quite a knack of finding people to meet their needs, so I would leave them to it. They'll land on their feet in no time (probably with a new partner). To have one affair and then try again is one thing. To say you're trying again and then immediately start up another affair - I don't think there's any coming back from that.

The affair parent has been quite adept at lying and conniving and putting themselves and their own wants and needs first to the detriment of everyone else for at least the past 20 years

I’d leave them to it and feel not one iota of guilt or sympathy, they’ll be just fine.

I think children - young or grown up need to stay out of the parents’ relationships.
It wasn’t your decision and I don't think it was your place to judge what they did all those years ago.
It didn’t happen to you. The patent didn’t abdicate their parenting responsibilities towards you then - or ever - as you said - they worked hard all their lives to provide for the family.

Personally - I think - you can of course judge their behaviour and not like them as people. But - morally - I think that not helping out an aging and ailing parent who took care of you and was an OK parent is not right either.

There is a difference between accepting behaviour and providing minimum care.

As a society - we don’t just cast away to just die even the toughest criminals.

This is your parent who did raise you.

If you - following the first affair and your apparent moral hatred of the parent - actually refused to take any resources from them - and started supporting yourself and the other parent - then maybe you’d have a moral ground for being so extremely black/white.
But otherwise - I don’t think this paints you in a good light.

It’s a difficult one @MMmomDD I agree about kids staying out of their parent’s relationship on the whole but the circumstances were as such this parent should have been taking care of me as the child while my sibling was chronically ill in hospital being looked after by the other parent, except they weren’t they were off seeking comfort elsewhere while I was left to god and good neighbours so it stung a bit to be honest. It absolutely isn’t black and white though and I do think I will ultimately help out until the parent is safely accommodated, then we’ll see.

@IForgotOurSong
Of course no one really knows the whole picture. Not the strangers on internet.
Not even you.
You have no idea what your parents’ marriage felt like then or ever. You don’t know how they dealt with the huge stress of having an ill child - individually or as a couple.

Humans are flawed. And they are also not superhuman - and there are things that break them.
You seem to be applying a very simplistic measurement and judgement to a life that had challenges you have never had to face, and hopefully never will.

I agree. The affair is for the people involved in the marriage to deal with. I wouldn't cut someone off because of what happened in their relationship.

They sound a bit weak and that they didn't cope with having a very sick child and as part of that potentially let you down. But as PP said our parents aren't perfect and are flawed and my own stance is that its not for me to judge.

In time and with a bit of space when they have reflected you might be able to have a chat and explain how it effected you. I think that would be more healing for you long time then if you cut them off.