When does compromise become settling?

[CannotSleep]

I've been in a relationship for around a year and a half.

He's very good to me, kind, compassionate, understanding. He's a good man who doesn't really have a bad word to say about anyone. He has lots of friends and people like him. He's respectful and my family and friends like him. Works hard, prioritises his family and me.

But I can't help but feel he's settling for me.

In the course of general conversations over the past year or so, he's commented a handful of times on things/people he finds attractive. He doesn't go on about it, most things have been mentioned once, twice at most, and in passing.

For example I play a few musical instruments. We were talking about it once and I said that if I could go back to childhood and learn anything else, it would be the cello. I told him why. He agreed and then said, "I think the cello is the sexiest instrument." And something about female.cellists being sexy. I can't argue with that tbh.

But these little comments (that probably add up to about 3 or 4 things in total) about things he finds attractive or thinks are sexy are things that I am not.

I can't help but feel that he is settling for me because of it and that these are the things/qualities in a woman that he would really like and prefer. None of them are unreasonable and combined, but there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of women who would meet his criteria. I don't meet any of them.

I just don't feel I have anything to offer and can't see what he would find attractive about me. These things are in my head all the time and it's making me really miserable.

I can't see how it's any different to the times when men have told me they prefer beautiful women, or slimmer women or that I should be more 'ladylike'.

I've just ended up with a feeling that I'm totally unsuited to relationships and I'm sub par.

You need to think about what’s triggered this little voice in your head
and why the little voice is shouting so loudly right now
there will always be a reason and sometimes we don’t want to think too hard as it’s painful

I know everyone says ‘have therapy’ but I’ve started aged 49 again and I’m getting a way better understanding of why I react and what triggers me so much

I have no easy answers for you
but from you say nothing leaps out at me

he’s happily hanging out with you and presumably having good sex

so what’s driving this insecurity ?

This reads to me every much as if the problem is in your head and your own insecurities than anything wrong with your relationship. He sounds like a confident man who has plenty of opportunities to know his own mind and choose the right partner for him. Why shouldn't he have chosen you?

I love my husband, we have a fantastic relationship and I feel extremely lucky to have him.

There are loads of things that I find sexy that don't apply to him (being able to fix cars or play the base guitar, having 'skinny, scruffy indie boy vibes', like all of my terrible teenage boyfriends, etc etc). I have no doubt he feels the same and wouldn't be phased at all by him mentioning something being attractive that in no way applies to me. I'm sure we've both made comments on people on the telly being attractive etc, but it's just not a big deal in our relationship so I can't remember them.

All good relationships are a series of happy and worthwhile compromises between two imperfect people. My husband brings all sorts of things to the table that I would never have considered important, but now wouldn't want live without.

You need to examine where this insecurity is coming from. If your partner is deliberately or carelessly making you feel bad, then that's a red flag from them. If you're storing up and worrying about a few lighthearted throwaway comments about certain musical instruments being sexy - then perhaps some counselling might help you to feel better?