Struggling with seeing parents age

[frangipandas]

Has anyone struggled with similar feelings as their parents age? My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s. I'm in my early 30s. In the last few years I've started to feel their advancing ages a bit more acutely and am having some complicated feelings about it.

I suppose the main thing is I'm aware that time is finite and I don't want to regret not having been there for them or not helping them to do what they want to. But I also feel pressure - my parents have a difficult relationship with my sibling, so I am the default external person to call and perhaps take on more responsibility there as a result - e.g. it's never a quick catch up; it's always about an hour and sometimes I don't feel like I have the time or energy, which makes me feel guilty. My parents' relationship with each other also doesn't seem to be in the best place, either, which probably compounds the need to vent to an external person.

So I'm feeling a tension between wanting to be there for them and make the most of the time, but also being occupied by things in my own life. DH and I are expecting our first baby later this year and it's brought things into some more focus. We won't be able to travel so easily to see them, at least initially (they live about 1.5 hours away) and I might have even less headspace to manage the bickering/strained relations between the two of them and with my sibling.

Is there a way to make peace with it? I feel like I'm letting everyone down a bit at this point but really want to get onto a more positive track by the time the baby is here.

Your baby and young family come first now. Decide what's doable and stick to that.

Explain all this to them and stick to it.

A new baby and the toddler years (and beyond!) are all consuming, and childhood relatively short. Important years.

At the moment your parents are still capable of looking after themselves and should be doing so. Things may change in the future, and you can reassess then.

I have similar. My parents are late sixties but my Mum has had cancer and my Dad is being assessed for Parkinson's, as well as being disabled by arthritis, bipolar and COPD. Our situations are a bit different because my dc are nearly 16 and 11 and we've had years of active involvement with them as grandparents but recently, I've sensed a real shift. They no longer look after the children or take them out alone as they simply can't (not childcare, they did it for the joy of it). And I have a nagging suspicion that the anticipated freedom of my own children growing up (eldest off to college in Sept and youngest off to high school), will be curtailed by my parents' needs. I have a brother who lives closer but the relationship there is strained and my parents, similarly, don't get on well.

I will do what I have to of course and I love them and it will be my privilege, I know that. But I watched my Dad care for his Mum into her 90s and I know the toll. I suppose I'm accepting but have worries.

You are still about to embark on parenting. That has to take precedence for now. And if you need permission for that to happen, here it is. You have a priority and a joyful one at that. You will do what you can I'm sure but please allow yourself space to be a parent first and without guilt.

Oh it breaks my heart! My parents are late 70s and mid 80s. Time is limited. What I find incredibly difficult is the fact that I live 6 hours away so can do very little to help them, day to day. There's no possibility of any of us moving. I try and get there every couple of months but I also have commitments and children so it's hard. It's a constant source of pain and worry.

Your parents relationship between themselves and them and your sibling are not yours to manage. They need to figure it out themselves.Don’t get involved in something that is not your concern.

The family you have created (your impending DC and DH) is far more important.

It’s alright to be in touch and see relatives now and again but you’re no obliged to bend to their demands at detriment of your DC and DH.

They need to build their social independence that doesn’t involve you as the focal point otherwise it’s going to end up in disaster as they are growing older and more needy.

this is such a good summary, OP, allow your parents to be grown ups, just what FrenchBoule said really, you will have enough to cope with soon, your own littlefamily.