Accepting they aren't the person you fell in love with anymore.

[User638372]

I have been with (now) ex h for 16 years, almost 15 of which have been happy. In the last 6 months he has been distant and selfish and everytime I would try to have have a conversation about what was going on he would have an excuse. Either working too much/too tired/I'm imagining it. Basically he would shut it down and not want to talk any further. If he did engage the communication from his side was very childish and dismissive. I would say he's being selfish and he would say no, you're being selfish.

A month ago I had a panic attack (never had one before) and I couldn't wait to get home to see him. When I explained to him what I think had happened through huge heaving sobs, he dismissed me. Said I was being ridiculous and to "go and sort yourself out" I think at this point the shock of his cold reaction towards me snapped me out of the dread I was feeling, and I knew the person I thought would make everything ok is not just not there anymore.
I took to bed without another word and with this realisation, lay there sobbing over the death of the relationship. I had never felt so in need of him in my life as I did in this moment and he was a few meters away in another room completely ignoring me. He popped his head round the door once and said "you don't look too good"

That was 4 weeks ago and I told him the day after that I think he should leave. He left earlier this week without much hesitation. When he had gone he asked me why I had done this and I explained, as i had done a month ago. Ended the message with "I needed you and you weren't there for me. And i dont think you ever will be" He replied "not as much as i need you now" Communication has never been his strong point but he hasn't been this emotionally constipated and unable to form an original thought before.

When he left earlier this week the kids didn't even realise he had gone for 3 days. That's how much he had checked out of family life. He would get home from work, go to bed, scroll on his phone or watch youtube, and go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. He would spend most weekends (if not working) in the bedroom and only getting up to get a drink or something to eat. He was here but not present.

I know people will say another woman but I am sure as I can be that this isn't the case. He is always at home or work and once every other week at his hobby. He has not been taking care of himself either.

Since he has gone I haven't cried or been upset. I don't even notice his his absence and when I do, I feel relief. I'm happier and more at peace than I have been in a long time. I think about him a couple of times a day and all I feel is disappointment for what could have been, and confusion because there has been no reason or explanation. I'm left guessing what his motives are because communication is pointless.

I don't know what I'm expecting here. I think I just needed to write down my thoughts. After reading this post back to myself I think its obvious he doesn't love me anymore and that's why he is a stranger to me now. I'm hoping I don't take this realisation personally and feel like I'm not worthy of love in my life.

Apologies for the huge wall of text and thank you if you've made it this far x

The fact you have said you feel relieved says it all, you have made the right decision as he wasn't giving you what you need from the relationship.

Do you think he's depressed? As you said he hasn't been taking care of himself?

@CoctailsNeeded I think that is definitely a possibility. He sent a message saying he is broken and is dying inside but his words have been so empty and devoid of real emotion for such a long time that It just doesn't feel genuine. Ive spent many a time in the last 6 months trying to get something out of him to help him and help us. I don't know what else I could have done differently. All I could offer was my support and he rejected it at every turn.

Do you think he would try couples counselling together even if you don't reconcile it may help him open up?

You sound well rid tbh. Shows your children a good example too as you don't want them to think that how he has been ( ie checked out of the family ) is a normal dad. You and the kids deserve better and well done

I’ve heard versions of this story so many times, and I’ve been through it myself too. You noticed things were wrong, you tried really hard to put them right, but he rebuffed you. So you fell out of love, and now he says he wants to fix things, when it’s too fucking late.

I don’t think it’s fixable at this point. If you do take him back he’ll play nice for a while but eventually he’ll revert to his previous behaviour, and that’s devastating. It drags out the pain. Hang onto that sense of relief, don’t meet or chat with him, and communicate only by email about the things that are necessary (children, finances, divorce paperwork etc).

Good luck, OP. You’ve got this.

Can you think of anything that has happened in the last year or so that would shed some light on what had happened for him to change that much? Sadly people do change and it's not always noticeable at least at first. Sometimes it's because of mental health and sometimes not. It seems a bit odd that he left without much hesitation and now seems to be needing you.
From reading your posts it's hard to see how you could have done anymore.

The checking out- disengagement, lack of empathy and irritation about interruption, sound to me like someone with a social-media/forum addiction, even gaming. The online world is on their mind and if they are focusing, interruptions are really unwelcome. They lose touch with the physical world and real life relationships like they are in a parallel reality. They become snappy and impatient, irresponsible, dismissive.

Just a thought.

Doesn't it make his behaviour worse, when you discover that it was entirely within his control all the time.

He was simply choosing to be disengaged.

How do you feel about the saying 'sometimes, a man's purpose in your life is to remind you that you will be just fine without them'?

@Freeme31 No, I don't think he would. Not right now anyway when there is a still a minuscule chance of working through this. I think he would agree when that ship has sailed and I've moved on. I feel I'm already at that stage but it's hard to be 100% certain.

@flexigirl The shitty example of parenting he was setting was one of the things that used to keep me up at night. But also the question of how the kids will cope when he's gone (clearly thinking of happier times here) Well, I have my answer. Fine. The kids will cope just bloody fine.

@BuffyTheCat Tale as old as time. I've seen it happen too. I always wondered what kind of man could be so stupid to turn his back on a stable and loving family with absolutely nothing waiting for him on the other side. And doubly stupid to think they'll have that same loving family waiting for them when it suits them to come back.

I'm as sure as I can be that I couldn't take him back now. My feelings for him have totally changed and would take such an immense ammount of work to get back that I'm not sure it's worth it. Even then, I don't think I'll ever feel the same towards him. Deep down I know that I would be wasting both of our time if I agreed to a reconciliation.
He says he has acted this way because of (insert shit excuse here) No. You acted that way because that's who you are. And I never agreed to love that person. This is the bit I'm struggling to accept.

@PeterLemonJello I have asked myself this question over and over. Looked for any reason, no matter how small. I can't find anything. Maybe he is just bored. Bored of life (aren't we all sometimes?) And now this general feeling of apathy has crept into his treatment of me and the kids. I am aware this is a sign of depression and am totally sympathetic to that. But as you said, I have tried as much as I can. I can't help someone who isn't accepting of it.

@HathorsFigTree Its a possibility. I'm sure I know how that conversation would go though.

Me- "I think you're on your phone too much and are checking out of real life for the instant gratification of the internet instead of building relationships in the real world"

Him- "You're on your phone too much"

@FinallyHere
How do you feel about the saying 'sometimes, a man's purpose in your life is to remind you that you will be just fine without them'?

Now I'm no inspirational quote enthusiast, but how do I feel about that?
I feel like I want to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall so it's the first thing i see every morning! That's how I feel! 😁

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply.

print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall so it's the first thing i see every morning

@User638372 😃

You have so got this xx

Sounds like he was depressed