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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need help at my age

15 replies

Bertha1924 · 22/04/2023 00:00

Not to drip feed - I have been seeing a chap for around 8 years probably only once a month for that whole time and a couple of weeks away at his house in County Down (great walks and a beach). He said at the very beginning that he would never want a proper relationship again. He split up with his first wife around 20 years ago and said that was never a love match but she was pregnant and marriage was the thing to do in Ireland in the 70s. He then met someone who he did love and had great times with but she died in front of him suddenly and it took him three years to get over it as much as he could.

We have good times together but don’t phone each other or text only to arrange a meet up. However I have very strong feelings for this man even though I agreed at the start that love would never be mentioned.

I felt a bit sad lately with retirement looming and I asked him to tell me he loved me just once even if he didn’t mean it as I just wanted to hear it once. I am almost 66 years old ffs and he’s no chicken at 64. What on earth was I thinking - I now feel such a bloody fool.

OP posts:
JupiterFortified · 22/04/2023 00:23

What did he say when you asked them that OP?

Would you be open to meeting someone else?

Livelifelaughter · 22/04/2023 00:44

I know that you really wanted to hear him say that he loved you, but did he demonstrate love to you by showing he cared deeply for you? I heard something recently that resonated, "It is harder to like someone than it is to love them"

Carmellablend · 22/04/2023 04:59

Actions speak louder than words, so if he is kind, does thoughtful considerate things for you then that would show he really cares for you at least. Once a month meeting up, what's he doing the rest of the time?

DeeCeeCherry · 22/04/2023 06:37

Do you have hobbies, a social life? Nothing wrong with being with a man like this if that's your thing, but you'd be far better off being open to meeting someone else who wants companionship and to settle down.

Too many women out there as it is putting all their eggs in 1 basket for a man who certainly isn't doing the same

Original poster
Bertha1924 · 22/04/2023 08:23

He did say he loved me but I feel I put him under duress. He still works full time in a manual job which he loves and is knackered most of the time. He lives alone and says that’s what he prefers. I do have hobbies but no social life as such so I do enjoy his company but I suppose I might be wearing rose coloured glasses and I might not like having him around all the time. I have had other man friends but they just don’t feel it with them. I know I’m being ridiculous.

OP posts:
ChocChipHandbag · 22/04/2023 08:31

What's your romantic history? Did you mean that you had never been told by anyone that they loved you, or just this guy?

He sounds like he has been really honest with you. His partner dying suddenly in front of him must have been horrific, I suspect he might be able to live with it now but won't ever really get over it completely.

I can understand why this makes you feel so sad, but I doubt that he is ever going to give you want you need. Sorry Flowers

Livelifelaughter · 22/04/2023 11:19

I am in my mid fifties, a bit younger than you but old enough to also appreciate that men behave differently at this stage then their 40s...I have found older men want independence but also crave a bit of sex and intimacy. They tend to want to slot a relationship into the gaps in their life. Obviously not all, but honestly I have been out with enough to see this pattern.

I think once a month is almost at a friendship level, they may work for you and it may actually be better than nothing (I know a lot of MNs will be horrified at this).

What I would ask myself is that if something ever happened would this man be there for you, would he step up?

The other thing that distinguishes a friendship in my view is whether that person is at your side for events with couples ? And does he include you in the same.

There are no rules on relationships, there are many happy relationships and many disfunctional marriages where people live separate lives. If your situation works for you then it works . If you feel upset, anxious and not content then I would balance whether the good times you have are worth it and maybe they are.

5128gap · 22/04/2023 11:33

He's too scared to go all in again OP after his last partners death. I think he may always keep you at a distance. Even if he means it when he says he loves you, what practical difference does it make to your life? Will you see him more, plan a share life together? Do you even want that? Rather than focusing on verbal expressions you need to decide if his offer is enough, or if you want to try to find something more committed and deeper elsewhere.

Broken123BiscuitBag · 22/04/2023 12:02

If you only see him once a month & that is not enough for you

You could start friendships with other people male & female, join some groups

Do you go on holidays together ?
If not book some holidays

There is so much more out there for you

It sounds like you need more to look forward to !

FinallyHere · 22/04/2023 14:35

Absolutely, it's never a good idea to put 'all your eggs in one basket ' in this way. Start looking for other pleasures to add into your life.

Possibly a gratitude practise.

All the best.

crazylady121 · 23/04/2023 09:29

I started reading this and thought to myself "did I write this"😊I had a similar relationship,we had holidays together,spent weekends together but during week back to separate lives.Got to 8 years and I just couldn't do it anymore.Was a nice man but not enough for me.I have no regrets for walking away.He had also been divorced once then lost his 2 nd wife.

Fuerza · 23/04/2023 09:39

Oh pet, he said

'' He said at the very beginning that he would never want a proper relationship again.''

You haven't wasted 8 years, you were happy I guess (?) until you started to question things.

And now that you have thought about it I'm guessing you only want to give your time and love to somebody who is willing to nail his colours to the mast so to speak. He's been saying he doesn't want a relationship, while he's been in one. Very convenient for him. He gets to enjoy a relationship while owing you nothing.

I don't know if you should do anything immediately, maybe a slow reverse would be better. Join a pilates class, a pottery class, fill your life up as much as you possibly can. AND then sit back and wait, and IF THE FUCKER OBJECTS! press eject.

samestyle · 23/04/2023 11:15

You aren't in a committed relationship, just seeing him, although a long time! if anything was to progress it would of done by now. Keep your options open to finding a real relationship with someone open to love. Waiting for years hasn't worked, you are keeping yourself lonely if you don't look for someone else.

Mortenharkettsgirl · 23/04/2023 13:28

Dear OP
I would agree with above advice, perhaps go on a date with somebody else? It might give you a pep in your step. My 72 year old mother recently admitted to me she regrets not having more fun after my father died and went straight into a monogamous relationship. The very best to you.

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