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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you have texted her? Friendship issue

8 replies

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 21:57

Will try to be brief. I have a friend, A, who I have known for about 8 years. Similar life circumstances, similar outlook on life, spent a lot of time together and had a really nice friendship. We met through a social group and A met B at about the same time as we met. I made an effort, but B was very hostile towards me, told others in the group that A was her friend not mine, and basically if we all tried to do something together, did her best to freeze me out. It was so childish, I just told A that it was best to keep social events separate which worked great for years. During the pandemic I had a major loss and although I tried my best, was not much fun to be around. Did not see B much except as part of the whole group and she was awful, if anyone asked how I was she would jump in with an anecdote about when she lost her husband a decade before, anything to get the attention back onto herself. A few months ago there was a blow up at a social event between B and someone else, and in the aftermath I learned they had words because of how B was talking about me during the period my family member was dying. Apparently the whole group had been involved, it caused a lot of bad feeling but no one told me and I knew nothing about it. Since then, A has been really distant with me and I am really hurt. She contacts me if we are going to be at the same event, but always says no if I suggest doing something just us. Tonight I got a text from her about something next week which said 'see you soon'. I texted back that we probably wouldnt as she seemed to be avoiding seeing me one to one, that I didnt want to make it more awkward so wouldnt ask to do any thing with just us again, and was sad things had changed so much. I wished her well, and am aware that this all sounds very high school, but it hurts to lose a friendship and I am so confused as to why this has happened.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 21/04/2023 22:02

I’m so sorry you’ve had a bereavement and a tough time.

Friendships come and go just like the moon waxes and wanes. B sounds as if she’s very immature and yes, it does sound very playground/high school so keep your distance, stay cool and see what happens. Frankly, I think you’re better off out of it.

Dontbelieveaword · 21/04/2023 22:05

It doesn't matter how old you are, I find there can still be at least one person in a friendship group who will be jealous and insecure and they show this by trying to belittle others and elevate themselves. I'm sorry you've had to go through this on top of your grief. You've handled everything maturely and rationally, from start to finish, and there's not much more you can do.
If A doesn't get back to you asking for a meet up to explain or apologise (but more likely she'll try to deflect) then I'm afraid, as sad as it is, it's time to let this friendship go.

MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 22:11

Oh people don’t talk about this enough. Sometimes people just grow out of each other in friendships. Over the years you two were close because you had a lot in common. Maybe during the long extended period where you were depressed that common denominator has been lost. It is very sad but it’s not guaranteed to work even if you do open up and try to reconnect. But that is not to say you shouldn’t try if you feel like giving it last go then you should.

it’s very hard but I would raise above. Find new hobbies, go to dance class / poetry reading/ pottery class etc meet new people. When you radiate happiness those who belong to you will come forth to you. Those who are not meant to be in your life and your new journey doesn’t deserve you.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 22:13

Thank you both for your support, I feel a bit better just for writing it out as I was starting to really second guess myself - as I said, I was a mess and not a lot of fun to be around at times, but understandably I think and nothing I have not been through with other friends. i will have to work on letting this go, but am glad I wrote something, as it has been going through my mind a lot.

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 22:14

@MissLucyLiu , I love the quote about radiating happiness. Thank you.

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 22:15

the statement about, not quote.

OP posts:
MissLucyLiu · 21/04/2023 22:20

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 22:13

Thank you both for your support, I feel a bit better just for writing it out as I was starting to really second guess myself - as I said, I was a mess and not a lot of fun to be around at times, but understandably I think and nothing I have not been through with other friends. i will have to work on letting this go, but am glad I wrote something, as it has been going through my mind a lot.

In a really naive way you would imagine real friends would have been more supportive more accommodating when you have lost someone.

But it’s draining. I’ve been on both side of this. After 2-3-5 times of hanging out and just me explaining how depressed I am gets very old very quick.

But work on yourself. Focus on yourself. Be selfish.

people who have kids earlier in life gets dropped out of friends group as they have different priorities in life now. Then they go on to make friends with other new mothers etc.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2023 22:26

Yes, I can see it would be draining. But I really was not doing that - I had a few bad days when I was wallowing a bit, but mostly I was trying not to go into loads of detail - it was people asking how things were at a time when everything was shit and it was hard to find anything to say that wasnt a downer. Another friend told me recently I looked shockingly bad under the strain of it all and I guess that was uncomfortable for some people.

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