Where did my libido go?

[wherediditgo80]

Name change as outing.

I have the most wonderful husband who is a fantastic partner and dad to our DC. For obvious reasons, sex took a back seat when we had a high-needs baby and now age almost 3, although sleep is better she still can wake quite frequently in the night. The result is I never want to have sex in the evening because I cant relax in case DD wakes up - I just cant get into it. Sometimes he tries to initiate it if we both work from home and...I just dont want to.

I don't know why? Its not because I am not attracted to him. I just...cant be bothered?

I don't know what to do, I do feel still quite lost in terms of feeling myself after having DD, I dont feel sexy - I am often covered in some kind of goop, I wear ugly clothes. DH says I am still sexy but....it doesnt matter really what he feels, its what I feel? Even when we have sex I feel like I am just going through the motions a bit.

How do I solve this?

Have you talked to him about this? Of course it matters how you feel, but it also matters how he feels - because you are in a relationship together.

My experience is that this is an important issue that you need to sort out sooner rather than later of you care about your marriage. You need to reclaim a bit of yourself that isn't just "mum" but is a woman, lover, wife as well.

Time without children together and apart is what is needed. You need to try and find those opportunities for yourself and your marriage.

Are you on the contraceptive pill? That can lower your libido. You may be suffering from a lack of testosterone which is the msin hormone responsible for libido. You can boost it naturally by taking zinc.

Make yourself feel sexy again
I’m sorry this is so blunt but when I started dating again I had to

now everyone’s different but I’ve been

grooming a lot more ! Hair brows etc
lady grooming also (per your preference obvs)
skin care
daily exercise and Pilates classes
wanking , start wanking again
getting in time to be YOU - whatever that looks like
basically all the signs when people think their partners having an affair 😬
I’m also frisky as peri meno and on HRT

i do think it’s worth doing as when you have kids you lose yourself when they are small

and the basic and most critical is to communicate
tell him you need to get you and mojo back and HE needs to help this

he won’t necessarily understand that he needs to make adaptations to help you find yourself as a woman again

Make an effort. What made you feel sexy before the kid? New underwear, haircut, whatever else? If you don't try it won't just magically work

Read "Come as you are" - it explained a lot for me. It didn't result in a massive boost in our sex life but in a better understanding of the barriers (for me).

Sex toys. Get back in touch with your libido when you have time. The more you orgasm, the more you'll want to and sex will follow.

I second the idea of more orgasms. Turn the tap right back on x

I never want to have sex in the evening because I cant relax in case DD wakes up

That’s your barrier right there. So how can you learn to relax? Practicing mindfulness meditation might help - practising the ability to stay in the present moment where no interruptions exist. Your mind is racing to the future imaginary interruption which isn’t actually there in the present. If you’re in fight/flight mode anticipating the interruption and how you’ll deal with it, you’re not in the rest/digest/playful mode that’s essential for enjoying sex.

The Headspace series on Netflix is a good introduction.

Thanks so much for all the helpful advice!

I think its something I need to work on myself. I have spoken to DH about it - this morning he tried it on when I had got up, was wearing a dirty stained top, hadnt brushed my teeth yet and needed the loo. He said I was sexy but...I dont believe him. Thats not a sexy look or mood! I dont FEEL sexy looking or feeling like that.

Its also a bit of a catch 22 because although he is so patient and understanding, its getting to the point where we cant even have normal affection without him wanting more so its making me pull away further.

I am going to go for a swim to relax before work this week and as its payweek, get myself some new nighwear!

Because the idea that you are sexy and is the root of his desire is a false one. The root of his desire will be a combination of his being libidinous as well as his love and affection for you. Do women in their 70s think they’re “sexy”? I don’t think our culture aspires to “sexy” older people. A man in his 70s balding with a bit of a gut isn’t screaming sex appeal. But that doesn’t mean that love, emotional connection and a desire for intimacy don’t make them appealing. I often think the most important thing is trust- do you trust him not to be put off by you not being in top form? To being a bit gross (which we all are at times?) but that he accepts you as you are, and finds YOU appealing for you, which includes your body, as it is. Maybe you’re not going to be having all night marathons, frankly who has the time or energy? But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or find you attractive despite how you feel about yourself.

My dh finds me sexy weather I'm wearing sexy underwear or pjs, I could be I black bag and he would still want to have sex with me. So when your dh says he finds you sexy he does.

Can you buy some new underwear, not what he would find sexy but what you do? I think it's important that we don't just dress up for our partner but for our selves as well. Have you tried sex toys? If you haven't tried them before I suggest you do, they don't take away from the bedroom they add to it.

Can you arrange a night that your going to have sex, say sat night is when we are going to do it. On Saturday let dh put your child to bed while you take time to relax, shower or bath, do what you need to to feel like you again and not just mum.
You can then go to bed. If your scared of your child seeing you have no lights on so they can't see anything if they do come in. Locks on door are also great.
There is also nothing wrong with teaching kids to knock before they enter a too
Also

Should say enter a room