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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH rubbing me up the wrong way...

19 replies

gaaaaahhhhhh · 21/04/2023 12:57

I'll start by saying overall DH is a good guy. Generous, considerate and good with our DC.

I just find that recently we're bury rubbing each other up the wrong way.

When I say recently, I mean we've been together 15 years, and the last 18 months have been like this.

It's the little comments that wind me up and I can't quite work out whether I'm being over sensitive or he's being a dick.

Eg.

Small rash on my face, his response OMG it's all red and lumpy 😱

Had been to chiropractor and was pleased with result. His response, you're still lopsided but Rome wasn't built in a day 🤨

This morning it was a comment about my driving and his concerns over road placement 🤯

I'm starting to get to the point where being around him is more stressful than being on my own. Even with DC.

I'm finding he's making fairly routine and easy things far more difficult than they need to be.

Partly his personality but also why, just why?!

I'd love to get back to it being smooth sailing between us. Is this just a phase?!

OP posts:

Babdoc · 21/04/2023 15:06

I wonder if he has always been like this, but you are only now losing tolerance and recognising the negging for what it is.
Many women are softened by hormones when young - and blinded by romance - but become far more assertive when approaching mid life or menopause!

shropshire11 · 21/04/2023 16:17

I’m sorry to read this OP.

He may just be being lazy, or have got into a rut, and need to be gently challenged on why this is happening, and made to see the effect it’s having on you.

Can you set aside some time to calmly raise how you’re feeling and ask if everything is alright for him? Then you can firmly say that you need a higher level of respect and kindness in day-to-day interactions.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 16:19

Tell him?

Topseyt123 · 21/04/2023 16:22

Do you tell him and pull him up on it when he is being an arse?

Original poster

gaaaaahhhhhh · 21/04/2023 16:24

I do tell him, he always seems surprised I'd be offended by what he's said

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 16:26

gaaaaahhhhhh · 21/04/2023 16:24

I do tell him, he always seems surprised I'd be offended by what he's said

And is that it? 'Oh, I'm surprised you're offended.'

Or does he say more? He's sorry, he didn't mean to offend you, he won't do that again? You're being too sensitive? What else does he say, apart from being surprised?

iamenough2023 · 21/04/2023 18:26

This reminds me of my ex. When I would complain about something he would never apologize or try to understand, but immediately he go into defensive. Starts pulling stuff he does not like about me, why do I "always" complain about him, why does this bother me, why is everything bothering me and so on. I could never get my point across. After 25 years of being together I pulled the plug. Could not take his bs any longer. It is true that menopause helped. I woke up one day realizing I was turning 50 next year and the first thought in my head was, I am not wasting spending another twenty years of my life with this man.

Borgonzola · 21/04/2023 18:28

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/04/2023 18:31

Have you asked him why he is constantly saying negative things about you?

Also ask him if he speaks to other people like that, or if it's just you.

Original poster

gaaaaahhhhhh · 21/04/2023 19:12

I'm 40.

I've asked him why he's saying these things and it's always oh I don't mean anything by it, or surprise im offended.

The thing is these comments are spaced out enough that if I were to bring them all up as one thing I'd seen a bit unhinged.

Perhaps I'm keeping score mentally and shouldn't be. But every time he makes one of these comments I think there you go again!

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 21/04/2023 19:57

Just go the other way OP.

Rash: oh my yes perhaps it's scurvy
Lopsided: fuck me yes thank you I would be crippled bent without you
Car: oh my who gave me a licence why aren't you god of the road driving I bow to your steering wheel shadow my lord

See what happens.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/04/2023 20:13

Could it be Covid and the lockdown. Maybe ye spent too much time together and ye have got into bad habits. It wasn't an easy time. Getting to spend time doing nice things together while also having your own space may help.
I saw somewhere where saying Ouch to these type of comments is good as you are leaving it back to him to see you are hurt. Just Ouch..nothing else.

Watchkeys · 22/04/2023 10:02

frozendaisy · 21/04/2023 19:57

Just go the other way OP.

See what happens.

OP is an adult.

Watchkeys · 22/04/2023 10:04

He's your husband, OP. Can you really not tell him how you feel without worrying about how you come across? Does he really not understand the concept of small things building up over time?

Original poster

gaaaaahhhhhh · 22/04/2023 10:35

@Watchkeys he really is incapable of seeing things as a build up. In his mind everything is separate.

He also thinks that because he is generally a good husband/father it offsets these comments.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/04/2023 10:56

So he doesn't actually concern himself with how you feel, then? Only with whether he's done wrong or not?

Original poster

gaaaaahhhhhh · 22/04/2023 11:04

@Watchkeys in a nutshell, yes

OP posts:

jay55 · 22/04/2023 11:06

He's a terrible husband of he makes his wife feel shit.

Watchkeys · 22/04/2023 11:13

gaaaaahhhhhh · 22/04/2023 11:04

@Watchkeys in a nutshell, yes

His ego is more important to him than you, or your relationship, then.

Can you talk to him about your feelings, when it's not about a particular thing he's said? Your feelings are valid; 'too sensitive' isn't really a thing, because there's no objectively 'correct' level of sensitivity to have. If he says you're too sensitive, what he means is that you're being too sensitive for his preference, which is really just another way of saying 'Shut up, I'm not interested in how you feel.'

Sounds like he's kind and considerate when he feels like it, which isn't really kind and considerate at all. Kind people don't have a side of them that makes mean jokes and dismisses people's hurt.

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