Please help me gain perspective. My head is all over the place. I feel like my marriage is emotionally over.
DH & I have had issues. Ongoing..I break down, discuss, he promises change, give in to keep the peace within the household, back to square one. In a nutshell, I feel he refuses to participate in family life. Runs his own business, has always travelled-very often changing plans at the very last minute. Is vague about where he's going, I've given up trying to keep track of it. He's unreliable due to all of this last minute type coming and going. We have 5 children, 2 with possible ASD. I have a professional career. BF all 5, worked around them using as little childcare as possible. Eldest now 18, youngest is 10. Have always organised all hobbies, meals, shopping, school, social events, pets care and insurance/vets. I am central to absolutely everything that happens daily physically, mentally and emotionally and he only wants to know and be involved in the bare minimum. Have really stopped having any semblance of hobbies/social life as the unpredictability of his work and hobbies (connected-conveniently enough with increasingly blurred lines) meant last minute let-downs for my friends/work and I hate appearing flakey so I just stopped planning. He will do odd drop offs and pick ups, but all communication and direction comes through me. I participate in approx 20 WhatsApp groups for the kids. He is a member of none. I feel like he exists in this home, expects affection and regular sex, but doesn't offer anything. Says he loves me, and that I'm cold and resents me for lack of physical affection (I've never been a hugger). Says he loves me regularly. The physical side of our relationship has died off recently as I resent hm too much, and don't even like him most of the time.
Finances always separate, despite my pleas and plans for joined-up processes. I love planning, clarity and organisation. eg- I have no idea of monthly bills as he took these on, can't find the paperwork when I ask. Insurances lapse/MOTs lapse, and these are the kind of things 'd be very much on top of but he won't commit to involving me in the paperwork. He gets angry when I try to sort it out, and it never gets sorted. Our finances are a mess, but he won't sit down with me and work out a long term plan to sort it all out. Part of the reason for this mess is that he took advice from a close relative on borrowing money (which I didn't want to do, but went along with as I didn't feel I had any choice at the time). Now we owe it back. He states he has to work 24/7 to get the money earned to pay it back. (He avoids family life by claiming he has to work...) yet I feel that he's very extravagant. eg 2 new high end vehicles bought in the past year (for the business but his use). Regularly showers the kids and me with expensive things/food...then claims he can't sleep at night due to the financial worries he has. Won't entertain the fact that we could be saving so much more by being more organised with home finances.
I'm the one who does all the thinking behind the running of the household and the daily chores, kids' appointments/school, their jobs/hobbies and have tried to get him to join in and play a part. I do all the communication with his family-he doesn't answer so over the years they have just started to communicate with me. I like them on the whole, they love our children and I tolerate the effort for the sake of the children and the wider family relationships. I loved his parents and was very involved with their elderly years and end of life care.
I started a new job in Sept. Working at a very high level within my profession. A lot of responsibility and stress-but I love it. The hours have increased to almost FT and I'm also taking University and professional exams to complete the training programme. I knew it would require support, I knew it would be tough. He was aware of all of this.
I've had a lot of emotional trauma and a family bereavement since it started within my immediate family and also discovered I'm post-menopausal (at 45). There have been issues that only I could sort-my parents have needed physical and emotional support as have my siblings (I'm the eldest). I've helped one of our children though formal exam processes-which involved hours of work at home. I've sorted all birthday, Christmas, Easter events for all of us and my dad's 80th and hosted his family staying here when they decided to visit (at an inconvenient time for me WRT exams/assignments). All my academic work done over my AL-just can't fit in at weekends due to kids' hobbies. I am exhausted, mentally and emotionally, and I feel that I have received absolutely no support from him. My day starts earlier and ends later so I can fit in all the necessaries. Every single daily necessary task is planned, and initiated by me-right down to feeding the animals twice daily. If I don't prompt it, it's not done. But it's insinuated that I'ma grumpy nag. And I am I'm permanently angry with him. He empties the dishwasher daily and takes the kids to school 3 days a week, and does a few nursery collections, but delegates to our two eldest kids whatever he can. He works very hard, but controls his own time, and does not even see the slack to pick it up if I drop a ball.
I broke down again two weeks ago-just before his sister arrived to stay for 2 weeks. After I cleaned the house, sorted her room, bought new bedding. I listed the issues I have, why I feel it's so unfair and how I feel things need to change. He promised to try, and immediately tried to instigate our physical relationship again-I told him this is a process and will happen naturally if I start to feel less angry and resentful. Cue a huff and name calling.
One of his regular yearly events pre Covid was travelling internationally for 1-2 weeks to participate in a research group. This is one of the grey work/hobby areas. I've always resented it, but it happened anyway. He mentioned a trip a few months ago, but it clashed with his sister staying here for the first time in a few years, my exams, our kids' exams. I said I didn't want him to go. It was dropped -or so I thought.
But: he has brought it up twice now in front of his sister, asking my 'permission' to go. In a few days' time. I said no. States he's 'needed' and has to go. I said no. I found out that he's complained to our eldest girl about me 'not allowing him to go'. Last night he told me (again in front of our eldest and his sister) that's he's going, but for less time than he initially said. It's paid work, and he needs to go. I didn't respond.
I'm so angry, upset and bereft. I feel that by saying it in front of his sister he's humiliating me and manipulating my responses. I also feel that he doesn't see me at all, hasn't heard a word of what I've said. He lives in his own universe and feels no responsibility for mine or the Childrens' emotional well-being. Work and his pleasure are all he sees. I want to walk away and never look back.