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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse and new relationship

12 replies

katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 12:31

Do you agree with pornography in relationships? please read it all before commenting ladies😔I just can't get my head around it... it makes me feel so insecure when he does it. He says he doesn't but he does, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years(15-21) roughly and he was 21 when I started at 15, I have 2 children with him had to flee to a refuge to be able to leave. I guess I was young so this is all I know from relationships He used to masterbste over my friends photos(half naked) then leave it on for me to see, he used to watch porn in the same bed while I was sleeping and he'd get off. He used to text those chat things on the tele, he used to get off over woman in films he got off watching me being passed out from alcohol etc and obviously a lot more happened not in-relation to pornography. I have also got bipolar and he used to mess with my head on purpose. My current partner ive been with 3 years and we have a child together he's lovely and i know he would never hurt me in anyway shape or form he does everything for us but I can't even watch films with him with woman in it, not even music videos and I know eventually its going to ruin it because its pathetic i am on medication for bipolar and its going great but somethings are still stuck. Porns a nono, I get suspicious everytime I leave the house or when I'm in bed... when he looks at other girls on social media with barely anything on everyone I'm out and see him looking at another girl I close up hold it in then it just torches my own mind, if I tell him... we end up having a disagreement because he says he's not but I'm certain he did(men can look at other woman) i know its normall, I'm so insecure I shower then can't come out the bathroom without make up on. I get up earlier than him so I can put make up on, I worry about far to much wjen I comes down to my appearance i just don't know how I get over the last relationship. It goes round and round in my head. I need to get over this and I don't know how it goes to extreme cases where I don't eat for weeks as soon as I start seeing my self but a touch of weight on. I feel fucked up

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 21/04/2023 13:24

This is hardly surprising given the damaging relationship within which you grew up into emotional maturity and started adult life. That's emotional scar tissue and sounds very painful.

I think that you recognising this is unhelpful to you is a good start. You don't want to accept these behaviours you've been gifted as toxic legacy to the mental cruelty you were treated with, because you know they will pollute this new life you are trying to build and you've done so well to get this far with all the obstacles you've overcome.

I think this kind of healing is likely to need professional support though, because this is deep stuff.

Could you approach your doctor/mental health or women's support charity to ask about therapy for this?

Foxache2023 · 21/04/2023 13:29

This reply has been deleted

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Anyfeckinusername · 21/04/2023 13:42

I don't think you sound controlling. I think you are triggered by all the abuse in your first relationship being presented as "normal" and done blatantly in front of you. You must have felt so very powerless in that time.

I don't know how you move forward from that. I don't know how you "park it" and get to a point of realising you are of course enough, and valid, and lovely and loving. You're a mum of three now too. I hope your current partner is kind and understanding and patient with you.

Thelnebriati · 21/04/2023 14:23

I have bipolar disorder. Insecurity relating to paranoia can be a problem if your meds aren't quite right, so I'm going to say the first thing you should do is go see your GP as soon as you can.
Tell them what you wrote here. They should do two things for you; check your meds, and help you get counselling.

And also, tell your partner that you are struggling and are getting help. There are ways for you to manage your feelings with love and compassion, and for him to support you, instead of ending up in a row.
When you notice yourself starting to feel insecure or jealous, acknowledge the feelings and remind yourself they are because of things that happened in the past. Remind yourself that your partner is not responsible for how you feel. You can learn to separate the feelings (which are a consequence) from his actions (which are not the cause).

Original poster
katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 14:30

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 21/04/2023 13:24

This is hardly surprising given the damaging relationship within which you grew up into emotional maturity and started adult life. That's emotional scar tissue and sounds very painful.

I think that you recognising this is unhelpful to you is a good start. You don't want to accept these behaviours you've been gifted as toxic legacy to the mental cruelty you were treated with, because you know they will pollute this new life you are trying to build and you've done so well to get this far with all the obstacles you've overcome.

I think this kind of healing is likely to need professional support though, because this is deep stuff.

Could you approach your doctor/mental health or women's support charity to ask about therapy for this?

I went to my therapist who i speak to for my bipolar I told her everything including my abusive up bring which led me into care etc and she said she's not heard of a 23 nearly 24 year old female who still has her 3 children thats been through that much so I suppose its a good start I just hope I can turn this around before its to late I mean come on? Its messed up that my partner and I cant watch things with females in... i used to love the soaps and now I cant watch them its crazy I feel crazy x

OP posts:
Original poster
katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 14:35

Thelnebriati · 21/04/2023 14:23

I have bipolar disorder. Insecurity relating to paranoia can be a problem if your meds aren't quite right, so I'm going to say the first thing you should do is go see your GP as soon as you can.
Tell them what you wrote here. They should do two things for you; check your meds, and help you get counselling.

And also, tell your partner that you are struggling and are getting help. There are ways for you to manage your feelings with love and compassion, and for him to support you, instead of ending up in a row.
When you notice yourself starting to feel insecure or jealous, acknowledge the feelings and remind yourself they are because of things that happened in the past. Remind yourself that your partner is not responsible for how you feel. You can learn to separate the feelings (which are a consequence) from his actions (which are not the cause).

I think my meds are doing well I don't have the ups and downs as sever and often as I used too I feel like this is just imbeded in to me.... my parter is understanding but he says thats then and now now, he's not my ex I try to listen but that still doesn't help if you get me

OP posts:
Original poster
katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 14:43

Anyfeckinusername · 21/04/2023 13:42

I don't think you sound controlling. I think you are triggered by all the abuse in your first relationship being presented as "normal" and done blatantly in front of you. You must have felt so very powerless in that time.

I don't know how you move forward from that. I don't know how you "park it" and get to a point of realising you are of course enough, and valid, and lovely and loving. You're a mum of three now too. I hope your current partner is kind and understanding and patient with you.

I feel like an idiot, like why is he with me if he can get someone with all these issues it scares me that someone will turn his head. I don't at all believe he would cheat he's lovely and he's never been with anyone like this, when he's drunk he says some horrible things but he will only open up when he's drunk about what he thinks generally xxx

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 21/04/2023 14:53

The ups and downs aren't the only symptom of bipolar though, so its always a good idea to get a check up if you are having strong, negative emotions that have an impact on your day to day life.

Mochinated · 21/04/2023 15:02

I don't see the value in adding someone else to your life, all it's done is cause you more pain.

You have been through a lot. Can you not just be single for now? Focus on yourself and healing. Learning to love and respect yourself.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 15:45

when he's drunk he says some horrible things

A healthy relationship doesn't involve a person lying to their partner about whether or not they use porn. A healthy relationship doesn't involve one person having to quelle their discomfort and insecurity so that their partner can keep using porn and lying about it. A healthy relationship doesn't involve a person saying horrible things to their partner at any point.

None of this is respectful of you and your feelings. If he knows how you feel about him using porn, he's choosing you feeling that way over him not using porn. Your feelings are less important to him than using porn is.

Why are you staying with him if he says horrible things to you? Are you happy with that?

Original poster
katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 21:33

Mochinated · 21/04/2023 15:02

I don't see the value in adding someone else to your life, all it's done is cause you more pain.

You have been through a lot. Can you not just be single for now? Focus on yourself and healing. Learning to love and respect yourself.

No, I love this man and have been with him 3 years I cant just become single im just trying to over come this problem to save my relationship x

OP posts:
Original poster
katiexxxxxx · 21/04/2023 21:35

Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 15:45

when he's drunk he says some horrible things

A healthy relationship doesn't involve a person lying to their partner about whether or not they use porn. A healthy relationship doesn't involve one person having to quelle their discomfort and insecurity so that their partner can keep using porn and lying about it. A healthy relationship doesn't involve a person saying horrible things to their partner at any point.

None of this is respectful of you and your feelings. If he knows how you feel about him using porn, he's choosing you feeling that way over him not using porn. Your feelings are less important to him than using porn is.

Why are you staying with him if he says horrible things to you? Are you happy with that?

Its not a nasty person I suppose things get on top of everyone sometimes and the way I act about these things is awful im sure any man would be the same x

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