Are abusers sociopaths?

[Differentneeds]

My ex seemed to get joy out of seeing me suffer, I’m sure there was something very wrong with him. On the outside he looked normal but at home he was really strange.

Not all of them, no. Though I would assume that most sociopaths are abusers (or likely to be if/when they have close relationships). Some people are abusive because of learned behaviours and trauma and because they struggle to relate or resolve conflicts in any other way - often because that's all they really saw growing up.

aren’t most sociopaths born out of some kind of childhood trauma?

Some, not all.

No, someone being abusive does not mean they’re a sociopath. Some people are common or garden arseholes, no personality disorder required.

There must be something wrong to not know right from wrong or feel bad for what you’ve done.

I think it’s probably fairly easy, if in your head you believe that it’s somebody’s fault for provoking you to behave the way you do or that they somehow deserve it, not to feel bad about it. I imagine all of us from time to time do things without feeling guilt if we don’t feel we’re in the wrong. For some abusers, that’s likely to be true also.

How was he strange at home? In what way?

@Bubblemachiene he would bring up old arguments from years back at random and make me cry then would walk off whistling a happy tune. He would give me the silent treatment so I walked around on egg shells but I’d catch him just staring at me. I’m sure he was enjoying it.

I and my wife have committed abusive acts. I will not presume to speak for her but I'm not a sociopath in that I do feel guilt for what I've done. Actually until the last year or so it was more shame (hide my transgressions from the world) but through therapy and hard self examination it has become more guilt (urge to make amends). My parents (grandiose father and alcoholic abused/abusive mother) made me ashamed of myself and full of self-loathing which led to me hating myself and behaving as an asshole to be liked by others to defend against shame and self-loathing. Which led to more shame.

That said, at times I was so wrapped up in 'me' that I didn't realise how hurtful my actions were to others. I wanted to control the world as I felt so alone and powerless in it. Explains but does not excuse behaviour.

So in short, some abusers are probably sociopaths, some have beliefs that their behaviour is morally right, some choose not to control emotion, some cannot see what they do, most probably are a blend of all of this. People are complex, not just good or bad.

Right and wrong can look very different depending on your perspective. Very few people think they’re the ‘bad guy’ or in the wrong, they think their actions are justified.

Someone can be an arsehole without having a personality disorder, it doesn’t need to be pathologized.

Incidentally, personality disorders are hard to diagnose because the symptoms are all traits found in the psychologically ‘normal’. What makes them disorders is the degree to which they present, and interplay between particular traits.

But surly there is something up if you find not only justification in the abuse but you find joy. My ex smiled and whistled a happy tune when I broke down.

Isn’t not knowing the social acceptable agreed rights and wrongs how they base disorders on. If you don’t agree then somethings up isn’t it. Most people don’t go around needing to control people and breaking them down intentionally by hitting or emotionally abusing.

Most abusers don’t go to therapy to get a diagnosis as there is nothing wrong with them. My ex was abused as a child and offered therapy as a young adult but refused. He would do anything as an adult, hypnotherapy, retreats but he refused therapy as he said he didn’t believe in western philosophy. He on the other hand had no issue telling me to go. He either knew his thinking was wrong or he simply didn’t care. That’s not normal is it. It’s not the norm for abusers to go to therapy off their own back?

@Differentneeds, if you want to explore what was going on with your ex, please do. You're in the right place.

The generalised question you asked is not answerable. There are loads of reasons why a person might behave abusively. But it looks as though your real interest is in trying to explain your ex, specifically?

So go ahead, tell us about him.

Malignant narcissist enjoy other people's suffering.

But sociopaths, psychopaths, borderline pd, narcissistic pd are commonly abusers.

Of course, substance abuse can cause once normal people to become abusive. So can some serious mental illness...or brain tumours...or sicknesses like dementia.

But generally speaking, of course abusers qre not neurotypical. They are disturbed. So cluster b personalities like sociopaths more likely than not.

There is research to suggest some abusers have tendencies across a spectrum, cluster b for instance will have narc, abp, bpd, etc.
My ex has narc tendencies, gaslighting, lying, and triangulation, silent treatment, controlling. She seemed to take great delight in reveling even laughing in my face about her affair. She wasn't like this in the beginning.

Her childhood was extremely abusive, with alcohol and physical abuse.

Great site about NPD

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

You seem to want o generalize your abusers to all abusers. Humans are complicated and damaged in many ways. Just because your abuser gave off the impression he wasn’t upset by causing you pain doesn’t mean others feel the same way. Some people abuse when they feel trapped or powerless, some abuse when they feel out of control of their inner state so they try to control their outer state as everyone needs a feeling of control, some have trauma / abuse / childhood issues and they are very emotionally disregulated, some are emotionally stunted and don’t know how to deal with feelings or manage conflict, some are very reactive and impulsive.

so if you feel your abuser was sociopathic and planned abuse because he got pleasure from causing pain, that could be the case but can’t be generalized to others.

As others have said, no not all abuses are sociopaths. There are lots of varieties of abuse and diverse reasons for it. Some people who behave abusively do have some insight, go to therapy and manage to change.

But your ex might be a sociopath. We don't know enough to diagnose him.

Ok. I get what you are saying. I’ve only met one, my own. I didn’t realise how disturbed his was till after. He was addicted to drugs when young, hard drugs then onto weed. He had scars all up his arm from self harm. He said from accidents then after it came out he did it. He also threatened suicide if I left.

From my experience most people are abusive in one way or another. It seems to be the 'neurotypical' way. Manipulative/competitive/jealous/controlling behaviours are all toxic and yet seen as normal for humans. I guess some people are just more extreme and end up with personality disorders.

@Disydoll12 yes lots of people can be those things. I guess it’s behaviours in extreme that cause disorders and not being able to control them.

Why does it matter though?

The fact is that abusive behaviour is unacceptable and you need to distance yourself from these type of people.

Whether he is abusive because he is a raging sociopath or whether he is abusive because he is just an asshole is irrelevant, the problem is still that he is abusive.

Don't try to analyse someone like that. Just run from them...

@Greenfairydust I did. But my son has to go to him (court ordered) and I wonder what he is doing with him. If he is genuinely unstable I’m worried how far they will go.

How old is your son, OP?

@TheVanguardSix 6

Ah so very young still.
Has your DC said anything? Is he exhibiting any worrying signs or behaviour after spending time with dad?