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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbreak handhold, the sadness of a lost future

13 replies

BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 08:26

That's it really. Done. Totally heartbroken but part relieved.

I have posted about our issues on here (name changed) over the 5 years we've been together before. Now it's done.

I just wondered if anyone else wanted to chat if they were in the same place as me. Newly single. Single Mum. Feeling like they've had enough of trying. Or if anyone wants to big me up and tell me it's the right thing then please feel free.

Middle aged, 2 kids, dating a beautiful kind and funny man for 5 years. Some underlying issues around his past and our future that despite me trying very hard, I couldn't make align. Pushed him and pushed him. He has ended it, albeit he's acknowledged because I didn't have the courage to.

I think it's right. We've had so many almost endings over the last couple of years. I wrote them down yesterday, and it was happening every couple of months. Falling out, not speaking for days. I don't think that's healthy for either of us.

I love him though. But don't think we can be together. That's it really. Such a shame. Feels Like a waste of 5 years but am going to try to look at it and him and us fondly. Kids will be upset, but thank god we never moved in together.

Just feel so empty. Time to mourn a future that will never happen.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/04/2023 08:31

It is for the best, OP.
You've had problems for, what seems to be, the duration of your relationship. They're not supposed to be that difficult.

Hopefully you can co-parent amicably and you can find yourself again.

It is heartbreaking but you'll get through this and have a whole new, happier future.

Original poster
BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 08:40

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 08:31

It is for the best, OP.
You've had problems for, what seems to be, the duration of your relationship. They're not supposed to be that difficult.

Hopefully you can co-parent amicably and you can find yourself again.

It is heartbreaking but you'll get through this and have a whole new, happier future.

Yes for the best. I think it is the future I will mourn. Him too. But the issues were too great. My issues really. A sad meeting really of two little lost souls, god it seemed to have so much potential for us to create something really wonderful. Chemistry and friendship too. But, reality always getting in the way.

The children are mine not his. Teenagers. I was a single mum when I met him 5 years ago. So he gets to walk away and is back to being (childless and) completely responsibility free.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 21/04/2023 09:01

OP
As you've described it must be for the best.

Maybe with a different man, different circumstances it would have worked.

You mustn't be resentful of the last part you mentioned re him being childfree and responsibility free- after all, I presume that's how he's lived his life, everyone makes different choices.

Original poster
BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 09:04

SeulementUneFois · 21/04/2023 09:01

OP
As you've described it must be for the best.

Maybe with a different man, different circumstances it would have worked.

You mustn't be resentful of the last part you mentioned re him being childfree and responsibility free- after all, I presume that's how he's lived his life, everyone makes different choices.

No I'm not. I hope he finds happiness in life moving forward. I don't begrudge him his chosen circumstances. They're just very different to mine.

And yes, for the best. Feels so trite though. But it is as simple as that.

OP posts:
Defenders · 21/04/2023 19:04

How are your children coping with the news @BunglesmellsBunglesmells ?

Original poster
BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 19:29

Haven't told them yet. I might put it off for a while if I can as exam times. Don't think they'll be devastated but I think it will affect them. He's not their dad! But they are both very fond of him. Sad.

OP posts:
Morrrrecake · 21/04/2023 19:31

Sending love OP. Sounds like it’s for the best even though it’s really rough right now 💐

BCBird · 21/04/2023 19:34

Thinkin of u OP. It is hard. Concentrate on u. Be kind to yourself. If there were so many issues then, it sounds like it's for the best.

Beaverbridge · 21/04/2023 19:37

Seriously it's for the best. I know of some one in the same boat. She was flogging a dead horse too. We could see he wasn't really interested, just using her for sex.. 2 of them are middle aged too.

philautia · 21/04/2023 19:57

Relationships shouldn't be that up and down, it's very unhealthy for both of you.

I know it feels devastating right now, but make sure you don't get back into it.

Do something for yourself every day, even when you don't want to.

Original poster
BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 20:14

Beaverbridge · 21/04/2023 19:37

Seriously it's for the best. I know of some one in the same boat. She was flogging a dead horse too. We could see he wasn't really interested, just using her for sex.. 2 of them are middle aged too.

Bless her. He defo wasn't using me for sex. I wish.

No seriously, mostly it was wonderful. Really wonderful. All my friends love him. Love of my life. However, I didn't feel good. I think basically that's it. Wasn't 100% safe because of various things. Mostly psychological in my part but that's irrelevant isn't it. Weirdly I was just listening to something that said after every date you should ask yourself how you feel about things they said.

I felt wonderful as he was so attractive and funny and seemingly so like me in many ways. Huge chemistry. But I did feel uncomfy about a few comments he made, but ignored it of course. He later denied saying some of these things. Gaslighting me basically. He would never admit to that, would claim I misheard etc but... funny isn't it looking back sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
BunglesmellsBunglesmells · 21/04/2023 20:15

philautia · 21/04/2023 19:57

Relationships shouldn't be that up and down, it's very unhealthy for both of you.

I know it feels devastating right now, but make sure you don't get back into it.

Do something for yourself every day, even when you don't want to.

Good advice. I will. Few things lined up with friends. Have good good friends who love him but will understand that it's not meant to be as was causing me anxiety.

OP posts:
FridayKnight · 21/04/2023 20:24

Not telling them just yet is a wise plan op.

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