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Original poster

Sibling's rushed romance and family drama

31 replies

Walnuttie · 21/04/2023 08:12

At Christmas, 2021, my brother separated from his then wife. A few months later, he was in a relationship with another woman which seemed to be moving very quickly.

Then at Christmas 2022, he fell out with me and hasn't spoken to me since. This is because whilst I bought his children Christmas presents, I did not buy anything for her children. This is just because I don't actually know her children- I met them once for an hour and I had only met her twice. We weren't spending Christmas with them either, had we have been all together for the day, of course I would have bought her children gifts.

I am shocked out how quickly the relationship between them has evolved and didn't think that there would be expectations for me to treat her children the same way as my nephews so soon.

My brother then didn't deliver the gifts he had bought my own children for Christmas (his nephews) based on me not buying anything for his new girlfriend's kids. Seemingly, punishing my children. My children are slightly older than his (10 and 7) and noticed that Uncle Walnuttie had not bought them gifts for Christmas and I had to make up an excuse.I was shocked by his behaviour. I understand that his girlfriend means a lot to him and so do her children, but I don't/didn't know them. I thought the relationship would evolve more before we all became one wider happy family. I think I was also still coming to terms with him leaving his wife. His new girlfriend is lovely, absolutely no offence from me whatsoever, I just didn't realise that the expectations of me had moved so quickly.

My brother and I haven't spoken since. It just seems crazy.

Was I in the wrong for not buying her children gifts?

OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 21/04/2023 08:29

Of course you weren’t in the wrong in not buying her dcs presents. I think it’s awful that he didn’t give your dcs their gifts. As you say it’s punishing them. It’s hard that your brother isn’t talking to you but he’s being ridiculous.

Humanswarm · 21/04/2023 08:29

Hmm, thars a difficult one isn't it. I totally get where you're coming from. However, did you know that they would all be spending Christmas day together? I think, in your shoes, I would probably have sent a token gift, such a selection box or something if similar value so that her children had something to open too.
I have been through similar, granted not with children but a relatively new partner of my brothers, whom I think I had met once. Knowing they were spending the day together, I sent a bottle of wine for her...
Possibly send a text to your brother and explain you never meant to hurt anyone's feelings and zee what comes of it?

WimpoleHat · 21/04/2023 08:45

I don't actually know her children- I met them once for an hour and I had only met her twice. We weren't spending Christmas with them either

He’s being ridiculous. You don’t know these kids! Yes - if you were giving your DNs presents in front of them, it would be kind to buy a small gift for the GF’s kids if you knew they’d be there. But you did nothing wrong. He sounds like very hard work - and it’s particularly bad to take it out on your kids. I’d just stop with the gifts all together from now on.

Felicity42 · 21/04/2023 08:56

I'd have spoken to him about it coming up to Christmas. I'd have said 'what should I do about presents for New Girlfriend's kids? Will I just get chocolates for all of them or what?

I guess the expectations were unclear.

LakeTiticaca · 21/04/2023 08:56

Your brother is acting like a dick, especially by depriving your children of their Xmas gifts.
Don't apologise for not doing something that you didn't even realise was expected of you!!

MulberryDerry · 21/04/2023 08:56

He should have made sure you met her and the kids properly. Actually I think she should have as well if she is part of the family now. You want to be treated like a family act as a family.

Otherwise he has a behaviour of a 5 year old.

Original poster
Walnuttie · 21/04/2023 10:03

MulberryDerry · 21/04/2023 08:56

He should have made sure you met her and the kids properly. Actually I think she should have as well if she is part of the family now. You want to be treated like a family act as a family.

Otherwise he has a behaviour of a 5 year old.

I think what you say about acting like a family is a really good point. We all supported him hugely when he split from his wife and then when he met his girlfriend his visits and calls became very infrequent again.

To expect me to be close as an extension of his closeness to his new girlfriend and kids feels strange. Again, had we have been spending Christmas together and opening gifts infront of each other I'd have 100% bought her children gifts. Her kids are also 2 years old, so it's not looe they'd have noticed a missing present from me, unlike my children who noticed very quickly that their uncle had forgotten all about them.

I also didn't know his arrangements for Christmas and how much or little they would be spending it together. Although, granted, I knew the relationship was moving very quickly which surprised me.

OP posts:
Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 10:16

Then at Christmas 2022, he fell out with me and hasn't spoken to me since. This is because whilst I bought his children Christmas presents, I did not buy anything for her children. This is just because I don't actually know her children- I met them once for an hour and I had only met her twice. We weren't spending Christmas with them either, had we have been all together for the day, of course I would have bought her children gifts.

So you don’t know the new girlfriend’s kids, have met them once, weren’t spending Christmas with them, and he’s ditched his own sister because she (totally normally and understandably) didn’t buy them Christmas presents? Not only that, he punished your children by refusing to give them their presents?

He’s a fucking lunatic.

Goldbar · 21/04/2023 10:23

I would message him and say "What happened at Christmas has left me a bit confused. Can we just clarify expectations so we're on the same page? Following Christmas, I'm assuming that we're not doing presents for each other's children going forward. Just checking as obviously will set children's expectations accordingly."

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/04/2023 10:25

Ya brother has issues! You did nothing wrong

LivBathroomTyler · 21/04/2023 10:37

Whilst I agree it’s too soon, I also know that “standing in judgement” on people’s relationship status just puts you at odds with the couple.

I’ve made the same mistake in the past and it caused friction so now I just assume that every new girlfriend might be my next SIL or DIL and act based on that. Warmth first and if it goes to pot, well, there may have been some fun times in the interim.

Mischance · 21/04/2023 10:42

What a storm in a teacup - your brother is making a mountain out of a molehill. It reflects his insecurities I think.

Isheabastard · 21/04/2023 10:42

Did everyone else from your family buy gifts for the girlfriends children? Did your parents buy presents for her as well as their grandchildren?

Has he fallen out with all the family members who didn’t?

Eggseggseverywhere · 21/04/2023 10:50

Wow she has quickly inserted herself and her dc hasn't she? Is he usually such a sap?

Season0fTheWitch · 21/04/2023 10:52

It wasn't your fault- you couldn't have known he expected you to buy her kids presents and as you say you have no ill feeling towards her.

I think in this situation you just need to communicate with him. Send a message or ask to call/ send a letter if he really won't talk to you. Explain that you didn't know what the plans were at Christmas, and as you don't know the children well you didn't even know what to get them. See if you can make amends, maybe by going to see them all or going out together as a big family. Clearly it was just a mistake, but the longer it's left the longer he'll stew on it.

ParkrunPlodder · 21/04/2023 10:55

LivBathroomTyler · 21/04/2023 10:37

Whilst I agree it’s too soon, I also know that “standing in judgement” on people’s relationship status just puts you at odds with the couple.

I’ve made the same mistake in the past and it caused friction so now I just assume that every new girlfriend might be my next SIL or DIL and act based on that. Warmth first and if it goes to pot, well, there may have been some fun times in the interim.

I agree. You clearly are judging your brother and people’s thoughts always come across even if left unspoken. It isn’t about the gifts it’s about how you subconsciously making your brother feel I suspect. I personally would apologise for accidentally upsetting my sibling and asking how we can move forward and leave it in the past.
My cousin fosters and unexpectedly had a two young siblings arrive to stay with them short term on Xmas eve. The whole family leapt to sort out gifts for them and treated them as children of our family for the time they were with our cousins. If my sibling got into a new relationship with someone who had children, I would immediately ask what their preference was with regard to Xmas gifts and to let me know would it be ok to start sending birthday cards or presents.

user1471538283 · 21/04/2023 12:52

I am all for treating children equally but there were not around you on Christmas Day, you do not know them, they do not know you. It is spiteful of your DB to do this to your children.

It sounds like they are both in a huge rush to play happy families without considering the individuals in the family.

I would knock the gift giving for all the children (and adults) on the head. Money is limited and you can then all concentrate on your own children and maybe do a big dinner out over the Christmas period where you all pay for your own?

SVRT19674 · 21/04/2023 13:00

Actually, I only would have got them something if Ihad been giving his children something in front of them. It is very bad form not you. But in your situation, no, I would have done the same as you. What he did taking ¨revenge¨on your kids is really the pits.

Fancylike · 21/04/2023 13:28

Curious, does his girlfriend have siblings, and did they (and her parents) buy your nephews presents?

BlastedPimples · 21/04/2023 13:57

Jair because he's galloped along into a full on relationship doesn't mean that you too have to do the same.

He's being a prat about Christmas. Really idiotic and petty.

Personally, I'd leave him to it. Let him beef and sulk over nonsense. If this is how he is in real life then I pity his ex wife and his new flame.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2023 14:02

He’s being pathetic. You haven’t done anything wrong and while it’s sad he’s being so childish I expect it’s not the first time he’s behaved like a dick so I’d appreciate the break.

Mari9999 · 21/04/2023 14:18

OP, your brother may experience his new gf and her children as family, and the he gf may be driving that point of view. However, family feelings and relationships are developed overtime and are not whipped up like pancakes for Sunday brunch. Were he and gf to break up tomorrow " his family ties would likely be broken, and the children would move on their nuew "next family 'experience. They will get a whole new " temporary family. "

As far as a gift is concerned, if would have been so easy fur your brother to alert you to the fact that he expected gifts for his "newly minted family."

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2023 14:41

Did he actually buy your kids anything, or is he just saying that? Did he just not turn up with presents? Was it his ex who used to sort all this?
And you say new GF is nice, but it sounds like she's behind this, I've never known a man get wound up over presents to someone else. He is being prompted by her.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/04/2023 16:44

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2023 14:41

Did he actually buy your kids anything, or is he just saying that? Did he just not turn up with presents? Was it his ex who used to sort all this?
And you say new GF is nice, but it sounds like she's behind this, I've never known a man get wound up over presents to someone else. He is being prompted by her.

This was exactly my thoughts while reading the OP so it's good to know I'm not the only one cynical here!

My suspicion is that Xmas went a little like this:
His DC opened their presents, including ones from you
GF's DC opened theirs, primarily from her family I'd assume
He then thought, wait, nobody has bought presents for my DNs, ex-wife used to do all the emotional labour for me. Fuck!
In order to avoid looking like a lazy and/or thoughtless bell end, he seized on a spurious "reason" to get offended and make you out to be the bad guy, thus preserving his image as a Family Man.

Only you know your DB and whether this is likely to be true or is just me and the PP being cynical...

Xrays · 21/04/2023 17:50

I bet he was having an affair with this woman so to everyone else it seems like it’s moved quickly but I bet she was waiting in the wings.

I think personally I would have got something very small for the children but he’s being an idiot about it all. He’s just to - in my opinion- justify this is “my new family”.