He just doesn't get it

[starylite]

We've been married for 7 years, together 10. 4 children in total at home, 2 his from previous relationship, 2 ours.

We're on the verge of splitting up because I've just had enough. Our sex life is awful and he feels like I don't want him. I've tied to explain why but he just doesn't get it. He is autistic and so really cannot see my perspective.

I do everything, the admin, the house work, the kids, his business paperwork. We both work and earn equal. He thinks he helps because he does the odd job and he does do his share of the day to day stuff with the kids. But he never cooks, never cleans, only tidys. I've told him I need more from him but he thinks it's equal. It's not. He helps if I ask but I don't want to be the one that has to think and remember everything. I don't want to tell him the floor needs sweeping, I just want it to be done. I don't want to ask him to make the lunches. It needs doing daily, just do it? Who's reminding me of all the stuff that needs doing?

I've tried to explain that for me it's constant, I wake up and I have to get myself and the kids ready (he leaves at 5am so can't do this) and I have to take them to childcare and go to work and rush home to collect them and then plan dinner, homework, baths, put the kids to bed the kids to bed then next day prep, washing, shopping etc. he wakes up, alone, drives to work alone, hasn't got a deadline to be home for. He can be late without the worry of getting to the childminders. Directing him to help with certain things isn't actually lessening my load.

And then he wonders why by 9pm when I'm done I have absolutely nothing left to give. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to talk, I don't want to think about his 'needs'

When he does do something his attitude is look I've done this for you. NO, that's not for me. You haven't emptied the bin for me.

I so badly want him to get it, how can I explain it to him in a way he might understand, or do I just admit defeat and walk away? His attitude is, if I leave I'd have to do it alone anyway. But my argument is, I'd have no one to resent for not helping. I don't even know if I'm seeing things clearly anymore.

If he is autistic and maybe sees everything in black and white, sit down and come up with something in black and white. Put it in writing, like a schedule. Pin it up and he sees it every day so he knows when it's his turn to make packed lunches, change the beds, bathe the kids or take bins out. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to do this, treat him like a child, but this way he can't use the excuse that he didn't know something needed doing or it was his turn.
If he can't understand that sharing chores will give you more energy and time to spend on each other, then he doesn't deserve your time and energy. You might as well be single, as you say, without the stress and at least that way you get some much needed time to yourself when he has contact with the kids, whether that be 50/50 or not.

I hear you OP, my DH has been ill for months and I do everything.

It's so much easier than when he's well and I do everything.

Why are you doing all of that? How has it happened? His business paperwork?!

His attitude is, if I leave I'd have to do it alone anyway No, because you wouldn't have the mess that he contributes to. You certainly wouldn't have his business paperwork! There'd be less of everything - his clothes not in the laundry, his dishes not to be washed after dinner, etc. Look up that study that says that women in relationships with men do more housework (time per week) than single women.

He thinks he helps Ah. "Helps" still suggests the task is actually yours and he's just making a contribution. This is incorrect thinking. These tasks are rightfully to be shared and split. You can 'help' your child with homework, but this is in an assistive capacity.

My husband was like this. It was one of the key reasons I decided to leave him. My thinking was like yours - I was pretty much a single parent when he was there so leaving him would result in not much difference. I am sorry you are going through this.

Firstly stop doing his business administration. That should be part of his job.

Secondly can he afford a cleaner out of his salary ?

If you did split you wouldn't have to clean up after him or his two children who aren't yours. In fact you'd have free time whilst your 2 are at their dad's.
Did he split up with first wife because of this ?
Possibly point out this relationship is heading the same way.

Another vote for put absolutely everything down in writing and the frequency that they get done... Then get him to look over the sheet and mark down the half (or whatever percentage works for you) that he will do...

I am parenting 3 teen ASD dc... We do lots of writing down on white boards and have seperate huge. White board which serves as a daily calendar for the term.
.

One look at the board and they know what bin goes out when/ what day and time appointments are beds are changed on Monday so they strip them for me before school.

They all like a clear black and white reminder...

It will be you almost "training" him on how to successfully adult. Only you can decide if your willing to do this or not.

I think you should start writing down everything you do for a week. And I mean everything, absolutely everything.

Either get him to do similar, or do it for him. Perhaps if he sees it written down he may start to understand.

You could try doing less, or less of the things that will matter to him that he might actually notice

I agree that you need the discussion about him doing things around the house, are not things he is doing for you. He should just get on with things and not think he is ‘helping’ and so expects thanks from you.

Matthew Fry has a very famous blog called something like My wife divorced me because I left a glass by sink.

You then need to go through a chore list together and decides whose responsibility each chore is. It’s extra work to start with, but if it works, will be easier in the long term.

Its a well known fact that women go off their partners sexually, when they don’t pull their weight.

Im saying this as a wife who could never get her stbxh to do the right thing. He’s kinda upset that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, but still doesn’t get it.

So he would rather get divorced than pull his weight? What does he think will happen once you leave? Who does he think will do it all for him then?

Sound like you're done full stop.

But if you want to give it one last shot, as others have said I'd put it down in black and white

Write down every task
Daily, weekly, monthly and yearly
Divide them equally inc taking to and from school etc

Them give it to him, with 50% of all tasks allocated to him. Then tell him these are his tasks and he has to do them on time, they are no longer helping, they are HIS.

Ann then you might start to think about spending quality time with him.

He's autistic, not stupid. He knows exactly what he's not doing, he just doesn't give a fuck. For most men, it's no mystery why their relationship before you failed. I'd bet my house his ex would tell your same story.

We have a plan, I try to follow the TOMM method, I have a laminated sheet with all the jobs by day on and I tick them off as I go. So if he needed inspiration then he could go to that.

Some of the things are so routine, making pack up so I don't see why I should be so explicit in what needs doing.

I also don't really want his and my jobs. If my job was pack up and his job was bins and sweeping if I'm out, or something else comes up he wouldn't think to prioritise pack up, he'd just see it as my job so wouldn't do it.

I'm not expecting him to do anything out of the ordinary just the basic day to day stuff that's done everyday.

Maybe I've just gone too far and I'm being unfairly stubborn. I compromise so much because of his autism and it's so hard to try and keep the balance at home, my eldest is also autistic and my youngest is potentially too and it's so hard to keep all 3 of them balanced and stable

Why can't he be the one to pick up from childcare at the end of the day? Why can't he do the menu planning, food shop and cooking? Why can't he do the full laundry - washing, drying, ironing and putting away.

Delegate him the big never ending jobs, let him fail, let hims sort out his failures.

This is the only thing he has genuine reason for, he drives a van and wouldn't get 2 car seats in it. They both rear face still and we only have 1 set of car seats. We do have 1 emergency spare for his van but I hate it and it's only used when there's no other alternative!

He could pick up the family car and you drive the van home. Even 3 times per week would make a big difference to you.

Rather than the laminated TOMM sheet you should get the TOMM app and have it on both your phones (it lets you share the same list). You can add all your tasks on there and both work from the same list and tick things off as you go. It has been one of the best £5s I've spent. It's worth a try to see if he will work with you if he has a shared list.

I was like you basically running myself into the ground trying to get everything done.

I tried explaining nicely that ex should do his share. Nothing happened.
I explained not very nicely be had to step up, nothing happened.
I eventually got to the dividing chores lists, pinned them up in the kitchen etc etc.
Surprisingly ex did then do SOME housework - but in a very slap dash way, purposely playing dumb, with a massive chip on his shoulder. He was like he was a sulky teenager that had to be micromanaged to do the basics.

It was exhausting and I seethed with resentment until I realised that he just couldn't be bothered to pull his weight, and literally EVERYTHING would be easier without him.
We divorced and I was right.

There is something very freeing about letting go of the anger and resentment to make someone be an adult in a relationship, don't waste much more time on him op, be just doesn't care enough to step up.
Do yourself a favour and ask if you want to be his mum too for the next 40 years.