Long lost love

[sweetcarolinedadada]

NC for this as I'm actually a bit mortified. But wondering if anyone has ever felt similar.

I had a childhood sweetheart. We met at 13 and dated til our early 20s. He moved away to do an additional degree and I stayed at home. We parted ways.

Fast forward 5 years and I am with someone else and engaged. He contacted me out of the blue as asked could we meet up. He flew to Scotland from London to meet me and we had dinner and reminisced. Ended up asking me there and then would I reconsider my marriage and give us another go. I wasn't really in a good place and couldn't face the upheaval it would cause, even though I would have liked to. We decided to just leave it.

Now fast forward 10 years and I cannot stop thinking about him and what we could have had and regretting not being strong enough to follow my heart when he visited that time.

I truly believe we may end up together somehow but don't even know if he still thinks of me (probably not) - however I feel such a strong connection it's crazy. We do at least now live in the same country albeit opposite ends.

Not even sure what I am wanting to get from this other than just putting my thoughts down on paper!

Has anyone felt like this and ended up with the previous partner after years and years?

Has either of you currently have a partner?

Are you in contact?

Yes we both have partners right now. Contact around Christmas, birthdays, big events etc. I wouldn't cheat on my partner but I keep thinking at some stage in the future we will be together - such a strong feeling!

I think he moved on from you because he came back and asked you but you rejected him. You probably miss him when life at home is boring or challenging.
I think there are more stories of never getting together than the ones who come back a full circle. That was your moment back then and you blew it.

How is your current relationship? Is it a happy one, (or would it be if it wasn’t for you being hung up on the other guy?)

Love isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship, and it’s not the most important thing in a relationship I dare say. so if you love your current partner, and are happy with him, then you “feeling” so strongly about the other guy really shouldn’t matter, because it’s you’re partner who has something you haven’t got or had with the other guy, and that’s a life you’ve built together. Don’t devalue that. Plus you’ve made a commitment to him. And if you’re having doubts, (like it seemed you did when you went meeting up with the other guy to have a cozy chat and entertain the idea of reconsidering your marriage) then you should bring it up with your partner or leave him. Don’t string him along. It’s not on. Don’t be dishonest.

People can be really silly when it comes to things like feelings and love and “childhood sweethearts” and “ones who got away” and “first loves” and so on.

Acknowledge that yes you have feelings for him, but also that it doesn’t have to mean anything.

What are the main differences between him and your current partner.

I love my DH so much that no one would win over him.

You sound bored and lonely and dissatisfied. I don't think this man is the answer though.
Why don't you end your current relationship and spend some time being single, and find out what really makes you happy.
Hankering after your first love is such a romantic idea but it seldom stands up to scrutiny.

You are romanticising something that happened years ago - you can’t really know what this person is like now.

Thank-you everyone. Your messages have really given me a reality check and something to think about.

I don't think I am dissatisfied or unhappy... but perhaps a bit bored maybe?

I have a fabulous imagination so I'm probably just running away with myself.

Yes - we found each other again after 30+ years apart with no contact. Together now for 5 years. We are more in love than ever

Yes, after 25+ years of no contact we are back together, we both never stopped loving eachother and are now planning our future together. I couldn't be happier, it sometimes feels too fantastical but it's all true and I feel incredibly lucky.

I agree with this the PP who said your chance on this was when he flew up to take you out and ask you to try again. And your feeling at the time was that it was too much trouble to take the steps needed to get back with him. That was your feeling in the moment. If you’re at the coalface of marriage with young children, that can feel like a real grind. Things get easier as children get older and need you less. I suspect you’re really hankering for what he represents - a time when you were young and without commitments and responsibilities - rather than for him.

Ah, the past loves.
no one can really live up to the fantasy of it, is the problem here, OP. I daresay even the man wouldn’t live up to the fantasy of who he might have grown up to be, as you were with him when you were both so young.

the everyday stuff, bills and laundry etc, makes anyone look quite dull compared to the lost love.

maybe start to get curious, and when you find yourself diving into “what ifs,” search out any tangible qualities in those what ifs- things that are missing from your life.

it’s not someone else who is going to fulfill the longing you feel - it’s filling the need you’re missing.
once you find out what that need is and take care of it, (even if it’s some reparenting work you need to do of your inner 12-20 year old self!) you’ll find, I think, these feelings fading.

Thank-you to each and every one of you for replying.

It's been quite insightful for me. Really appreciate it xxx