Help with leaving husband

[Bogiesaremyonlyfriend]

Hi, Ive posted a few times about wanting to leave my abusive relationship and I'm finally at the point of having everything lined up and ready to go. I tried telling h back in October that I wanted to leave and it went terribly, I ended up letting him convince me to stay. But since then I've more conviction to leave. However I'm struggling to have the conversation with him. I need to let him know this weekend, I've given myself a deadline or I know I'll just keep putting it off and finding excuses. Mumsenetters have been such a major help to me in the past and definitely helped me to recognise and accept I've been abused and to get me to the point I can leave. Tough love and kindness both very appreciated. So please help me with the last hurdle. I know I should be able to just do it, but I cant. I'm overwhelmed by guilt and due to the abuse struggle to speak to him- and I mean literally I cannot say words they just don't come out. So please help me with what to say. How do I bring it up?? What do I say? I can't leave for a few weeks due to housing arrangements. My plan is to say I'm not happy and want to leave and not go much more into it, on advice of my counsellor. Then to tell him the plan is to leave on x date and leave it at that really. Thanks

The safest thing to do is talk to Women's Aid and let them help you come up with an exit strategy.
I know it feels right to try to have a talk with him before you go, but it might be safer for you to leave and then tell him from a distance.

Thanks I spoke to women's aid this week and they have put me in touch with local services.

This isn't about having a conversation; its about getting you out safely. Get your stuff out and in your new place, then tell him. Is there anyone you could have with you when you do it?
If you feel safe then ''This isn't working for me, so I am ending things between us'' is all you need to say, you shouldn't discuss it any further with him at all. Don't leave any opening for him to think things can be worked out.
Its possible he will reply with a list of things he thinks are your demands, and offers to change (negotiating) and if that doesn't work he may get angry; so its probably best to have left before that happens.

I packed the car up with our clothes, drove to his office spoke to him outside and left.. no going back then.! That was last summer and I feel so much better for it now. I know if I'd said it beforehand it would have been stopped somehow. Get yourself ready, exit planned and go. Do it before and you'll risk further abuse and failure. Best of luck!

Agree with PP - this isn’t fixable so there’s nothing to discuss. For your safety, given he’s abusive, it’s better not to discuss leaving before you go. Just get out. Women’s Aid will give you the guidance you need on this.

Ideally I would love to just be gone and let him know at the last minute but I don't have anywhere to go in the meantime. And I need to give notice on my house which is 4 weeks. I do feel safe to tell him and ride it out and I think my counseling has helped me to let his nastiness slide and not get to me anymore. It isnt much physical abuse and I don't think he would do anything drastic (but I'm guessing I'm not the first to say that, then be proved wrong)

Thanks. And so glad you got out 💐

Wait until you are ready and packed. Then tell him. No point making it worse for yourself between now and when you can go

I know! I was I the same situation, it's so hard! I couldn't find any words! So so hard!
But you have to do it! Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Do it! You will feel so much better once you have made that step!
It will be hard going forward but not as hard as you've experienced so far.

Also I had no where to go,, had to stay in various hostels. Frankly, it wasn't great but better than staying with him. In the end found a great place.
Good luck, you can Do this

I want to say good for you and well done!

If it's your house, have a chat with women's aid on how to get him to leave safely. You can then give your notice, sort the house out and move without him being there or knowing your new address.

Thank you. And well done to you. Until you've been there you just can't understand how incredibly hard it is. Sorry you had to go through it though and hope you are happy and doing well now

For me I had to find my anger. Previously I was very meek, totally meek and absolutely devoid of emotion. But somehow I rose up and found my anger and that's what you have to do. It's hard,.I had 2 kids, no help whatsoever but so desperate I thought I would rather live in the street than this.
I went to WA and eventually found a council place. Not great, but the peace walking in the door was so much better than anything, still love that feeling of walking in to my place with peace. And hey the kids love it too.

Have you got children together?
i personally would it tell him until you have gone. He could turn violent or try and guilt trip you into staying again.

you are doing the right thing