How do you accept having an absent parent?

[Howdoyou]

Will try to keep this as brief as possible without drip feeding.

My parents split when I was a baby. I saw my Dad every weekend until I was probably around 12/13 when contact dropped down to once a month then gradually became a handful of times a year so by the time I was 16 I’d say I saw him 2-3 times a year. He moved 200+ miles away when I was 8 to chase his dream of becoming an actor. I always thought we were close when I was a child but as I’ve grown and had children of my own, I think he was just a bit of a Disney Dad. I have very fond memories of our relationship but most of the memories relate to him spending a lot of money on me really rather than actual time and energy. My Mum did the hard work, he just got to have fun with me at the weekend.

Anyway, when I was about 18/19 he started making excuses not to see me. It began with a very long chest infection then various other health issues such as kidney stones and back pain. After probably a year or so of him making up bullshit to get out of seeing me, I lost it with him a bit and sent a very angry text accusing him of being more interested in himself and his pathetic pipe dreams than his only child. We then just didn’t speak at all until I was about 24 when my now DH pushed me into speaking to him. I met with him twice at the time but I had to travel the 200 miles to see him and he spent the whole time talking about himself, barely asked me about myself. We emailed back and forth a bit but I found again he was just talking about himself all of the time and I got a bit tired of it so stopped bothering, he never chased contact and we just haven’t spoken since. That was 6 years ago, he hasn’t met my DC and he didn’t attend my wedding. He also missed my graduations so he’s missed a lot over the years.

DH is more curious about him than I am for some reason and sometimes will Google him then show me what he’s found. He’s in his 50s now and is still trying to be an actor. DH found an interview he did on YouTube and in it he slates his family for saying acting was a ‘pipe dream’ which is precisely what I’d said years ago so this was an indirect dig at me. The interview was uploaded a month ago and only has 1k views fwiw, he is not a big name actor at all. His biggest part was as an extra in an ITV drama about 15 years ago, he was also in an insurance ad around the same time and a couple of indie bands music videos but that’s as far as it has gone. He’s tried to direct his own films too but they’re honestly terrible, he isn’t really that great an actor either.

He lied about attending grammar school in this interview, no idea why. He’s writing a book about his life apparently, not sure why anyone would want to read it and it will probably be filled with lies anyway. I think he may be a narcissist but obviously that’s me being an armchair psychologist, I have no idea what his issue is but he does seem deluded thinking he will make it as an actor when he’s now in his 50s and has been trying since his 20s. I’ve asked DH not to search for him again because I was pretty angry after watching that interview last night. No doubt there will be zero mention of my existence in his autobiography, he seems to have forgotten I’m even alive.

I’m just wondering how other people deal with having a shitty parent? I try my best to just not think about him in all honesty because if I think too much, I just get really angry. Now I have my own children, I seriously can’t ever imagine abandoning them.

It sounds like your DH isn’t helping. Can you ask him to stop showing you his Google searches?

Yes, I have asked him to stop searching for him from now on. I’ve never had the urge to do this myself so the only info I ever get about him is when DH gets curious and decides to tell me what he’s found. Weirdly, my Grandma doesn’t talk about him whatsoever so this is the only time anyone actually ever mentions him in my life.

Jeez that's a lot to deal with

My dad was completely absent from my life, he said from the outset to my mother he wasn't interested in having a relationship with me and so I've actually never met him and wouldn't recognise him on the street as I've never even seen a photo of him.

Most people seem to have at least met their fathers.

Fortunately my mother moved to a different part of the country when I was 4 too.

I don't think about him often to be honest, I am now 32 and settled with my own daughter who has a father who is the polar opposite of mine.

I’m sorry to hear this but glad you have got on well in life regardless.

In ways I do wonder if it would be slightly easier to have absolutely no relationship with them at all from the outset as opposed to a good one that suddenly stops or just a terrible one throughout. I think for me it’s particularly painful because we did get on well throughout my childhood and I always thought we were close so to suddenly be dropped, it was a lot to take.

Your H sounds like a twat, pushing you to meet your deadbeat Dad to sate his own appetite, urgh.

My Dad was absent and I saw him a handful of times in my teens. The last time I saw him was 15 years ago where he expressed ‘interest’ in meeting my DD, I smiled and nodded but knew that was the last time I would see him. I don’t know if he is alive and dead and I’m not even curious to find out. He was my father in name only.

Do I think he was a narcissist, no, he’s just another man who doesn’t think parental responsibility applies to them.

He sounds eerily similar to someone I went on a date with recently, though his book is already out (self-published) and sort of a story mixed with autobiography. Am in the South West. Anyway very unlikely it's him.

I had/have a very distant father who didn't want dc in the first place. I saw him less than you did growing up and it affected everything, my self esteem was through the floor and I stayed married to another very selfish and avoidant man for too long.

I've been to endless counsellors and read dozens of self help books. But the thing that helped most was getting in touch with my anger. It's too easy to slip into being 'nice' and people-pleasing. I haven't shown any anger to him personally, but feeling it kind of released any last sense that it was my fault for being unlovable etc.

Imagine your dc or someone else being ignored so cruelly, and you will get angry, then that anger gives you energy that can propel you to think "fuck him, I'm going to be happy and have a great life regardless".

Tell DH to give it a rest, and if he doesn’t run for the hills.

I don’t think DH pushed me to meet him out of spite. DH is really close to IL’s and he found it baffling that I didn’t speak to my Dad at all, especially since we were quite close throughout childhood. I think he wanted me to have a relationship with him again, thought it would be a good thing. Transpires my Dad really just loves talking about himself a lot and it didn’t bode well with me as an adult. I have asked him to stop searching for him online though, it definitely causes me more harm than good.

Last time I spoke to him he was living in or around Brighton but he’s possibly moved since. He lived in London when I was a child. Could easily be him, he’s never managed to hold down a relationship. Hope it isn’t for your sake though .

Really sad especially as you have fond memories from childhood. Mine is similar in that sense, plus his delusions of grandeur. He became an alcoholic when I was a teenager and like you all effort had to come from me apart from the odd overly sentimental text. Not sure how to answer your question except to say that it feels like mourning, except worse because of the old dad being replaced with this uninterested person, and us not being able to move on and heal. I often think that writing a eulogy would help, but not sure if that's relevant to your case - mine is perpetually on death's door due to his addiction.

Similar sort of story for me OP. It was all very hurtful when I was a child and for some reason I'd put him on a sort of pedestal. When I got to adulthood I could see things much more clearly including the fact he really couldn't be bothered and that it was his fault for the breakdown of the relationship, not mine. He then went on to cause stress and trouble on a few occasions and I was done with it all. I've had plenty of other great role models in my life and my father and I simply share a bit of DNA.

His wife called me to say he was very unwell and would I like to reconcile before he died. I didn't.

Like you my DH (who comes from a lovely and very close family) was trying to get me to meet up with my Father. Fortunately one of his work colleagues who had a similar background to mine explained why he should stop.

I hope you find some peace with it all OP.

It helps when you realise that it doesn't matter. I was close to mine when I was little, but I've totally disowned him and have no contact now, because he's a disrespectful little fool.

Life's better. Let him go, @Howdoyou . That's how you deal with it.