Am I being mean and a bad daughter?!

[fortygin]

Hi, feeling extremely stressed.
my parents (70) had lived in Canada for 25 years (they moved there when I was 20 to).
since then I’ve gotten married and had four dc and divorced due to my exh’s infidelity.
I coped with this alone as I have no other loving family in the uk.

they decided to retire here 4 years ago (leaving my sister and her 3 dc there!).

they sold their house in Canada and refused to buy here as they ‘didn’t want the hastle of owning a house’ and didn’t buy a car as they ‘didn’t need one’.

they found a private rental and have lived there for 3 years.

The Landlord is now selling and they are having a hard time finding somewhere that suits their requirements ie places are too white, look like they’ve been renovated too quickly and the lates one is that the garden backs on to a park and the fence has a bit missing so is scary.

I was in work today and got flurry after flurry of texts saying how worried they are and how they are stressed and are hard done by.

I’ve tried to explain that this is the nature of a private rental and I did suggest they bought when they came home (have now most likely spent the house money on holidays and trips home for my sibling and other random stuff).

i am exhausted hearing about it to be honest and also feel a bit fed up as I was alone for so long and now just seem to be the family taxi driver and agony aunt.

im being really mean arnet I?!
(I should point out that I don’t receive any help re dc etc)

You really aren't.

Mute them when you are at work.

Their behaviour has been impulsive and short sighted. It's not your job to bail them out.

Point out if you need to, your position is somewhat precarious after however many years devoid of family support. You have to prioritise the stability of your kids.

Strange. They sound pretty spurious reasons for not renting. Not like the obvious: too expensive/noisy/dirty. Not angling to move in with you as they've left it too late are they?

my dc are 100% my priority. I have worked extremely hard to build a good co-parenting relationship with my exh and the vitriol my dm in particular spouts about him is hard to stomach.

My four DC are all teens/pre-teens now and we are a close knit team.

Can’t move in with me.

i have no room. There was a hint that they could afford a mortgage payment but are too old to apply for one! Umm I already have a mortgage that I pay alone!

Don't respond when at work.
When you do reply be more distant and neutral.
"Yes it must be hard blah blah blah. Need to sort dinner for kids speak soon"

Tell them to not text you when you are at work, that's the first thing. Either that, or switch your phone off altogether when you are working. Your dc/school can phone your employer instead in an emergency.

I have every sympathy, it sounds very frustrating for you.

Tell them that you'd like them to stop, and if they don't, just be less available to them.

There's no objective level of kindness or meanness that we're all meant to be aiming at. There's no right or wrong, here. This is a personal relationship, and your feelings are who you are. Even if you were being a bit mean, that's ok, that's allowed, there's nobody in charge, there's no authority who can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

Validate yourself. You're pissed off: fine. Respect that. That's what 'self respect' is. Coming on a forum to find out if you're ok to have your feelings isn't going to help you you need to know within yourself that your feelings are allowed, and you are allowed to act according to them.

Be clear and direct. “I cannot discuss this atm, I am busy at work”

Suggest that you have an actual meeting with them to discuss how best they should proceed.

Do it formally, round the table, tell Dc not to interrupt or disrupt til ended.

Ask their budget, look at pros and cons of buying somewhere. If they have significant income from pensions, say you will set up a meeting with a mortgage broker.

Look at timescales: how would they like their life to be in 15 years? 85 year olds are still
likely to be fit and active.

Be clear about what you can and cannot do. Have direct and firm reasons why they cannot move in with you. (You have no space / many exam years ahead, xx years til youngest leaves Uni.

TELL THEM that doing all their driving is putting pressure on you. And that they need the independence of a car.

Be businesslike. If they won’t do anything further to help themselves tell them that this is as far as you can assist, as a single working parent of 4.

Tough love, OP. If they don’t start taking responsibility for themselves and you let them lean on you you will have maybe 20 years of this shit.

@EggInANest that is a very concise well thought out answer .

to be honest I think a lot of my frustration stems from resentment that I was left here alone (with a 21 year old bf/my now exh) and expected to make my way in life. I did and now that I’ve had my family and they are older and both my ex and I have new relationships and a bit of time to enjoy child free, I am made to feel guilty and most of my weekends are spent fielding passive-aggressive txts from my dm telling me how much she hates weekends and how bored she is. I guess I wonder why they came home at all. The did a lot for my sister so she and her dc spent a lot of time with them. My dc are different, that

They are so used to not having family here, we have built our own traditions and routines and don’t have that close relationship with them.
I get one day a week where I don’t have any dc and I spend that with my partner and it’s inferred that I’m ‘selfish’

See, while what EGG says is good, why should you? You aren't their parent.

Maybe you need to say that they should return to Canada where their friends and the rest of their family are.
Maybe you say that you've worked hard unsupported for years to get to a point where you get some leisure time, and already have plans for it!
You've never had a babysitter, so this is finally your chance to kick back a bit as the dc are less dependent.

@pickledandpuzzled thank you. They don’t really bother with friends.
my in laws have been fabulous over the years.
I do feel bad that I would resent have to take dm shopping at the weekends but I was adamant when they came home that I wasn’t going to be their ‘entertainment’.

Phew. Glad they're not looking to move in. Certainly stop with the taxi service. You're not available, it's not convenient. They can book their own taxi to take them shopping. As advised on here a lot - Say no, say it more, get used to it and the discomfort will fade.

You have nothing to be sorry about or feel guilty over.

Don't accept the responsibility they are trying to put on you.

They decided at 18 you were able to be fully independent, needing no support from them. They have each other, they don't need you.

It's really rude to expect to waltz in and have you rearrange around them. And it will only get worse.