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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable?

17 replies

Coolmess3300 · 19/04/2023 12:25

Myself, my partner and our two children moved in with my mother whilst we was renovating our house. This proved to be extremely difficult and we were living in a very intense environment. After six months, I couldn’t take it no longer and I instigated a separation from with my partner. He moved into his Dads house for a while, and during this time (2-3 months) he barely seen his children, no school runs, no weekends. He claimed this was because he was now living 20 miles away from them. He also claimed he was heartbroken during the separation. During the separation his family dismissed me, his Dad did not speak to me and posted indirect things on social media aimed at me and the separation (we were together almost ten years with two children and I always seen his family as my own). After four months, myself and partner had a good talk and agreed to make a go of it. The house was ready and as a family we could all move in, which we did. After a few weeks, I found out that partner had been meeting up with someone else just after under two months separated. Bare in mind the separation was still a mess. There was a photo of said other woman with his family on social media, which still remains on there 4 months after we decided to make a go of it. Turns out other woman is his best mates cousin! So there would always be a connection there. His father has still not spoken to me or apologised for the social media posts. I feel our relationship is tarnished and I can no longer see a future getting married etc. Am I unreasonable to be angry, mad and upset over this?

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 12:33

He doesn’t have to, u instigated the separation and he saw someone whilst I were separated.

SunnyLion · 19/04/2023 12:37

So his way of dealing with heartbreak is seeing someone else apparently 🤔
No time for his kids as he was too busy
I wouldn't bother with him or his family.

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 12:43

You instigated a seperation, he didn't bother to see the kids and got it on with someone else, you feel your relationship is tarnished and can no longer see a future with him and don't want to get married.

If you take out all the he said/she said, extended family and social media it's quite simple and would seem that you feel that it's over. Your feelings about it are not unreasonable, they're your feelings.

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 12:44

this is known as "consequences of your actions" - you left him, he had a rebound, nobody needs to apologise to you for heartbreak you dealt to everyone

GoodChat · 19/04/2023 12:48

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 12:44

this is known as "consequences of your actions" - you left him, he had a rebound, nobody needs to apologise to you for heartbreak you dealt to everyone

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2023 12:55

If you break up with somebody you lose the right to control who they do or don’t have sex with. They aren’t obliged to pine after you in the hope that you’ll throw them some crumbs and ask them back.

Regardless of that it sounds as though your relationship is over, anyway. It doesn’t sound as though either of you handled the separation particularly well, and things would be a lot more stable for your DC if you separated - for good - amicably, focus on being friendly co parents without the ever-looking threat in your DC’s minds of whether you’ll break up and make up and break up again.

jollygoose · 19/04/2023 12:55

Some very harsh responses here I think his family have behaved very badly. However the speed of which he got together with someone else would show that he wasn`t really concerned about a reconciliation and the lack of bothering about his children a big red flag. I would think very carefully before letting this man back into your life.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:05

Am I unreasonable to be angry, mad and upset over this

Emotions aren't reasonable or unreasonable. They can't be judged in that way. It's like saying 'Is this knife reasonable?' It's not a thing that can be judged as reasonable or unreasonable. What can be judged in that way is what you plan to do about your feelings. If you decide to burn the house down because you are angry, mad, and upset, then that action would be unreasonable. But if you decide that you can't continue the relationship, then that's your prerogative.

What are you going to do about how you feel? We can give you our opinions on whether that is reasonable or not, but even then, we'll all say something different.

Imnotachap · 19/04/2023 13:09

I couldn't forgive him for not seeing the children for months.

booboo82 · 19/04/2023 13:29

YOU WERE ON A BREAK !!! 🤣🤣

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:44

booboo82 · 19/04/2023 13:29

YOU WERE ON A BREAK !!! 🤣🤣

Tried so hard not to say that...

SpringleDingle · 19/04/2023 13:47

6 months followed by another 4 months?? What the hell were you having done to your house? I had mine replastered, underpinned, new patio doors, new kitchen, new bathroom, damp proof course, new flooring and decorated in < 4 months. Living with my mum was HARD (and I love her) and it was just me and DD. I dread to think how a partner would have coped.

You split up. He was then entitled to see other people. His parents are HIS parents and owe you nothing.

He was a total twat not to see his kids and I'd struggle to forgive that. My exH turned up every day to see DD and do school run (was always his responsbility) from the day after I asked him to leave until we made a proper arrangement. He was a crap husband but a good dad.

You are being unreasonable and focusing on all the wrong stuff.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 13:50

Him not seeing the kids is unforgivable. Him seeing someone else after you’d dumped him and kicked out isn’t. But if you’re angry and resentful then just dump him again. He’ll probably stop seeing the kids again and may get back together with her. But it is what it is.

From his family’s POV you were the bad guy so I don’t think harbouring resentment about childish social media posts is helpful or reasonable. The two of you have much bigger issues going on.

What is the outcome you want? He’s not going to cut his family off for you.

booboo82 · 19/04/2023 14:34

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 13:44

Tried so hard not to say that...

Lol couldn't help it 🤣

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 15:02

Him not seeing the kids is unforgivable. Him seeing someone else after you’d dumped him and kicked out isn’t

These are matters of opinion, and it's misleading to present opinions in this factual way. Different people find different things forgivable.

bloodyeffinnora · 19/04/2023 19:25

jollygoose · 19/04/2023 12:55

Some very harsh responses here I think his family have behaved very badly. However the speed of which he got together with someone else would show that he wasn`t really concerned about a reconciliation and the lack of bothering about his children a big red flag. I would think very carefully before letting this man back into your life.

i agree with this. he obviously wasnt bothered about getting back with you if he was hooking up with someone else and the fact he didnt see his kids for months. Nope, get rid of him and his horrible family

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2023 19:32

He was not being unreasonable to see someone else. But YANBU to throw in the towel if you're not feeling it.

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