Is this limerence?

[GlowingUpTheHardWay]

I've name changed for this as don't want to be identified from past posts.

I'm married with 3DC and have recently realised that I fancy someone who has recently come into our social circle- also married with 2DC.

I don't know whether it's just fantasy/ a form of escapism... nothing particularly to suggest that there's any attraction coming back the other way... in fact, I'm overweight and don't particularly look after my physical appearance any more- after struggling with my new role as a mum post-birth of my first child + lockdown + WFH and not really getting out to exercise. So certainly don't think he fancies me. Think it's just limerence on my part.

I'm never going to act on the attraction but it's spurred me into getting healthy, losing weight and starting to take a bit more pride in my appearance. But to what end? Is it wrong to use this person as my motivation for getting back in shape? Ive been married 12 years and have never been remotely interested in anyone else- I love my husband but everyday life has taken over since having kids and we don't make enough time for each other anymore. I absolutely want to address this as I enjoy my husband's company and am still attracted to him.

But I also can't stop thinking about this other person. I'd prefer to cut contact and avoid but it's really not possible. What can I do to stop the intrusive limèrent thoughts I'm having but also keep on track to lose the weight I want and get "myself" back after 10 years of "mum" being my sole identity?

Not sure if I'm making much sense. Struggling to process my own thoughts on this!

It’s a crush OP and it’s perfectly natural to find someone attractive, especially if they are pretty good looking. Maybe this is the kick up the arse you need to get healthier, see it as reigniting that something in you but do it for yourself and reignite the spark with your DH.

If you think the thoughts are becoming an issue, just do something else and stop thinking them.

Sounds like an old fashioned crush. Not sure it needs a special label.

You know what you need to do which is invest in yourself and your marriage as those are plenty good enough reasons to make positive changes.

Next time you find yourself fantasising about the other bloke imagine how you’d feel if your husband was using so much energy and head space thinking about another woman.

Yeah I definitely would've said it was just a crush a few weeks ago- but I feel like it's more than that now as I do find a lot of my headspace is given over to thinking about how I can make myself more attractive for this person.

But even typing it out and reflecting as I do it is making me cringe! I do just need to pull myself together and gain some self motivation rather than trying to improve myself for any third party.

And yes- I certainly wouldn't like my husband thinking about another woman in this way so I really do just need to have a word with myself.

Thank you for the sanity check- I have been in these situations before but when I was single and obviously nothing was at risk then. I do tend to form crushes/ infatuations and I wonder whether the obsessive thinking is related to reducing my anxiety medications in some way. I do overthink/ ruminate and it's hard to break those patterns, especially when it's your default.

its hard to know isnt it, crush, limerance, do you suffer ocd they say people who do are more likely to get limerence.

The only thing you can do is keep busy and try and see them less. There is no magic cure really.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD but I can sometimes have obsessive tendencies- but hard to know if this is within normal parameters or not. I increased my anxiety medication (which is also used to treat OCD) because I was obsessively ruminating over things and sertraline has certainly helped curb that. I'm now weaning off and do wonder whether the reduced dosage is in part responsible for an increase in the thoughts I have towards this person. But that's me ruminating and over-thinking again! I think I just need to distract myself and get fit for me without relying on any external stimulus/ fantasy situation in my own head.

Limerance gets thrown around alot when people have affairs but true limerance is linked to OCD, its when you have intense intrusive thoughts all the time about the other person, so much that u see there well being as more important than your own etc. It doesn't sound like limerance, it sounds like you fancy him, which isnt a bad thing, normal.. if you focus on get fitter etc and all that and work on things with your husband then it will likely pass.

I would say there's no harm in utilising these feelings to your advantage (ie as an incentive to get fit), as long as you're not acting on them.

Keep writing. If it's making you see things clearly/differently, well, that's what you want, isn't it?

Get a pad and a pen, and write everything down that's going round in your head, like a brainstorm. No order or format. It'll help, if writing a paragraph on here for us to read has.

I thought it was that chap who played a piano with a candelabra on it? 😕

Get a pad and a pen, and write everything down that's going round in your head, like a brainstorm. No order or format. It'll help
don't do this! imagine your husband found it!

yes to writing stuff down, but find somewhere/something else to to write your thoughts. which is less likely to to be found.

There have been MNers who have found their DH ramblings and it obviously really hurt them to see it.

I had limerance for someone, its quite painful actually, it went away but was replaced by someone else weird.

Just learning to live with it tbh. Never acted on it.

Oh, for god's sake. Rip the page out and burn it, or keep the pad in your locker at work.

I didn't write this on my first post because I assumed that OP wasn't brick-stupid.

@Watchkeys .... your last post made me laugh!! Writing does help- or not so much the writing but getting perspective on something. I'm creating the problem in my own head- and I think im enjoying feeling sexual attraction to someone again after a long time of not doing so. I fancy my DH obviously but the adrenaline rush of fancying someone new obviously passes when you've been with someone a long time. Ive been avoiding sexual intimacy with him because of my weight gain and so I'm hoping that my crush will be an effective means to an end and that I can get my confidence and self esteem back for the benefit of my husband.