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Original poster

Am I overreacting (children conversation with the partner)

16 replies

Jeselou7 · 19/04/2023 03:39

Hi. I’m new so not sure if this is in the right place. A bit of context…me (33) and my OH (29) have been together for nearly 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship he said how he wants to marry me one day and have kids with me. Nearly 2 years on he seems to have changed his mind. He still wants to marry me but now he doesn’t want to have kids. This broke my heart.

When I was 21 I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. Ever since I have been terrified that it will happen again. My OH knows this and in the past has said that he will support me if this happens again.

For the last 6 months I have felt that something is missing and that I long to be a mother. I have tried talking to him about it but previously he has just said that he isn’t in the right frame of mind to think about having children.

Quite recently when I have brought this up he has then told me that he doesn’t know if he wants children.

Ideally I would like to start trying at the end of the year as I don’t want to wait a long time to start trying and then find out we may struggle. The biological clock is ticking and I know that the woman’s eggs reduce all the time and that from 35 it may get harder to conceive. I’m not trying to be negative but more realistic. When I explained this to my OH he thought I meant that I want us to start trying right now but I said by the end of the year.

Since he said that he doesn’t know if he wants children, I have tried to resign myself to not having children. But then the other night he said about having children because he knows how important it is to me. This made me feel so conflicted as I don’t want to make him miserable by having children when he doesn’t want to.

I love this man so much and I can’t imagine my life without him. I am willing to forgo children so I don’t loose him. Am I overreacting? Any advice would be helpful as he is the first man that I have ever thought I would have a future with.

OP posts:
PointyMcguire · 19/04/2023 04:03

Honestly, don’t have a child with someone that’s not 100% committed to the idea. We have a relatively easy 4 month old who is very much wanted by both of us, and still at times it has put an unexpected inordinate amount of pressure on our otherwise great relationship.

That said, I’m not sure wanting to be a mother/having children is something you can suppress for the sake of someone else (and I’d hazard a guess it’s important to you if you’re posting about it at this hour). In your shoes, as difficult as it might be I’d consider walking away before you reach a time when that choice is taken out of your hands. Don’t allow yourself to be led on by the promise of maybe wanting kids in the future if it’s something that’s important to you.

Finally, to give a bit of hope I conceived at 35 and had a totally straightforward/low risk pregnancy as have many of my friends. So whilst you’re right to be aware that fertility wanes from your mid 30s it’s not the cliff drop some people fear.

Merrow · 19/04/2023 04:10

I think there's a difference between "I don't want children but I'll have them for you" and someone that is on the fence and can see how they'd have a great life in both scenarios. We have children because I knew I wanted them, and DP is a great parent despite not sharing the absolute certainty that it's what they wanted in their life. If I knew I didn't want them then DP would also have been completely fine with that.

Isthisexpected · 19/04/2023 05:05

What you have to weigh up is can you cope with the possibility that the relationship ends and you miss your chance for children? Many relationships run their course. Not having children to keep him could be the biggest regret of your life.

Dyslexicwonder · 19/04/2023 05:12

Since he said that he doesn’t know if he wants children, I have tried to resign myself to not having children. But then the other night he said about having children because he knows how important it is to me

My DF was like this 49 years ago, he has 3 children and 4 grandchildren and couldn't be a better Dad or Grandad. He speaks about how much joy parenthood has brought him.Your DP may be similarly surprised, but I would make him a DH first for your own protection.

Daffodilwoman · 19/04/2023 05:22

As Pointy said having children puts a huge strain on any relationship. Your dp is being honest and quite frankly nobody can prepare you for parenthood in both the joys and sorrows.
You don’t experience what it is like until you go through it so it’s completely normal to be either cautious or seeing it with rose tinted glasses.
If you split up with your dp there is no guarantee that you will meet someone who you feel the same about and who will make a great father.

carriedout · 19/04/2023 05:28

I would end the relationship as you want different things.

He sounds unreliable at best and deliberately manipulative at worst to have told you at first he did want kids and then to change his mind.

Fortunately you have lots of time to meet someone with whom you can start a family.

Dery · 19/04/2023 07:15

“What you have to weigh up is can you cope with the possibility that the relationship ends and you miss your chance for children? Many relationships run their course. Not having children to keep him could be the biggest regret of your life.”

This is your difficulty. And it depends how powerful your drive to have children is. Your partner is in a different position: he’s younger in any case but also men can comfortably father children in their 40s and even 50s so there is a risk that he will leave you after your fertility window has closed and start a family with a younger woman. I know women this has happened too. How would you feel if that happened to you?

millymollymoomoo · 19/04/2023 07:41

Don’t forgo children
id bet anything you’ll waste your fertile years then he’ll be off with a younger model having children
see it all the time

JorisBonson · 19/04/2023 08:36

He's entitled to change his mind, and you're entitled to decide what to do based off that. If you really want children it sounds like you'll have to do it without him.

Mumof3confused · 19/04/2023 08:39

Don’t give up on the dream of having children for this man.

ZenNudist · 19/04/2023 08:43

He's a future faker. Told you what you wanted to hear to reel you in but now he's being honest. My BIL did this to a woman. She was really clear from the start she wanted marriage and children. He agreed whilst he was thinking with his dick. Then once they were established he changed his mind. You don't change your mind about this kind of thing. She was devastated. He eventually dumped her.

Be strong. Break up now. You've still got time to find someone else and have the life you want. Best case scenario is it makes him realise that he wants to be with you and that he does want kids after all.

Confusion101 · 19/04/2023 09:39

It doesn't sound like he has fully decided either way. You said he said he isn't sure. He needs to seriously think about it and make a decision. You need to give him an idea of what a life with children would like, outline your expectations! (some of my male friends are terrified of how much their lives might change if they have children and it is putting them off).

I wouldn't have children with him if he decides he is just having them for you. They are far too stressful and I imagine in heated arguments that will happen he could throw that back at you!

Confusion101 · 19/04/2023 09:42

He's a future faker. Told you what you wanted to hear to reel you in but now he's being honest.

@ZenNudist To be fair people can change their minds. If he had gone from saying he didn't want children in his early 20s to now saying he does want them would your post be the same? I have changed my mind many times about wanting / not wanting children, number of potential children, age gaps between them! It is a big decision to make. If you are extremely happy at a stage in your life its hard to call!

Livinghappy · 19/04/2023 09:50

Horrible situation for you but I would be cautious. At his age he will know if he wants children but equally you shouldn't have to give up your desire for a family for him.

My concern would be that he doesn't want children with you. Hard to hear but could that be the truth? Have you spoken of marriage? At 2 years and his age I would expect him to know if you were the woman he wanted to settle down with.

Original poster
Jeselou7 · 20/04/2023 12:43

Hi. Just to answer a common theme on your comments. We both love each other very much. I know I could leave him but I am terrified that if I do I will never find anyone again. It took me 6 years to even find him and meet him so if we ended things I’m terrified it would take another 6 years to fine someone else. I also don’t want to do the whole get to know someone.

If we ended then I would be done with relationships and then I would never have children. My self esteem and self confidence is not very good.

I love this man with all my heart and he loves me.

OP posts:
Provenza · 20/04/2023 12:53

Sacrificing parenthood for being with someone is not a good idea. There’s no guarantee that even the greatest romantic love will last a lifetime. Put being a mum first: whether it is in this relationship, next relationship, through donor - you have options.

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