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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mean woman

25 replies

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 19:58

My MIL has never really been very nice. Horrible to my kids whilst being lovely to her other grandchildren. She does it in such a way that you can’t call her out on it. Today I found a ver specific type of sweets she’s given to my child. Most people would think it’s a nice treat, but I know she knows that type of sweet brings back a bad memory for me. If I tell my DH hed think I’m crazy and I don’t want to because it’s a bad memory to do with him and it will
just cause a big issue again. She’s so horrible it felt like a punch in the guts when I saw them in my house. How would you deal with other this a person who is real cleaver and sneaky mean.

OP posts:

1ittlegreen · 18/04/2023 20:03

Please elaborate on the sweet triggers

Isthisexpected · 18/04/2023 20:07

Do not elaborate on the triggers. PP isn't as clever as your MIL but just as mean.

Isthisexpected · 18/04/2023 20:10

So this is really tricky. I know exactly the type of person you're talking about. To say out loud she only gave X those sweets to upset me would make you sound incredibly paranoid and that's how these people get away with it undetected. It's always so subtle and yet very calculated and measured, not too much that someone else could see/overhear/understand the nuance.

There is little you can do because no one will believe you unless she gets sloppy and too obvious.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2023 20:10

Tell your DH he gets one chance to deal with her. If he doesn't step up, give her both barrels yourself.

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:17

i Can’t talk to my DH a unfortunately as things are a little more settled than they have been for a year. And if I tell him it will all start again and I just don’t have the strength to deal with it. I know I sound paranoid but I know she knows as she comes round on a Sunday but this week she came round whilst I was at work - like the first time ever. I dread her visits. I used to be over weight and she’d bang on and on about fat people. Now I’m slim she never mentions fat people. It’s stuff like that she’s done in the past but this has really upset me. I don’t wish her any harm but I don’t want to be a doormat either x

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 18/04/2023 20:20

Throw the sweets away.

And never let her know anything that upsets you ever again. Cut off her ammo basically.

Around her be politely pleasant and happy.

Rise above it.

She isn't important, your children are.

My MIL expects me to make her beloved son and grandkids make her the centre of our worlds and i just can't. So don't. They are old enough to make their own decisions. I now say nothing. Happy to accommodate any decision made. But I am not making any.

ItsCalledAConversation · 18/04/2023 20:23

In full earshot of everyone, “why did you get those sweets MIL, you know they bring back bad memories for me?”

”Urgh who brought these into the house, they always remind me of something terrible”

or just put them in the bin.

tailinthejam · 18/04/2023 20:42

Let slip you have an unusual loathing for <insert favourite treat here> and your house will be inundated with them. Result.

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:51

tailinthejam · 18/04/2023 20:42

Let slip you have an unusual loathing for <insert favourite treat here> and your house will be inundated with them. Result.

That made me smile. Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:52

ItsCalledAConversation · 18/04/2023 20:23

In full earshot of everyone, “why did you get those sweets MIL, you know they bring back bad memories for me?”

”Urgh who brought these into the house, they always remind me of something terrible”

or just put them in the bin.

I’d love to but it will just open up the whole sorry argument again. So I’m a bit stuck

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:53

I’ll throw them away tomorrow so my kid doesn’t know. He doesn’t even like sweets or chocolate- I threw his last year Easter choc away at Christmas x

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:53

Isthisexpected · 18/04/2023 20:10

There is little you can do because no one will believe you unless she gets sloppy and too obvious.

Thank you for understanding x

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2023 20:54

You do sound stuck. I think you're too busy keeping DH and MIL sweet that you're putting up with shit you shouldn't have to.

Original poster

Sillsally · 18/04/2023 20:57

There is definitely a lot of that!

OP posts:

sadtoday1 · 18/04/2023 21:07

Or make a point of saying how much you love the hated sweets. That will confuse her!

Mingeater · 18/04/2023 21:26

Throw sheets into the dustbin - say, “There they go you fucking old cunt” Cheers! Let her waste her money, don’t give her power over you.

Mingeater · 18/04/2023 21:27

Probably best to keep sheets and throw sweets away.

AgrathaChristie · 18/04/2023 22:45

Made me think of MrsBrown’sBoys, you say one thing to Mil but in your head you're saying another.

Thats nice!!

I saw this and hade to show u guys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Luzmz9lUeiM

MyStarBoy · 18/04/2023 22:48

Spit in her cup of tea and smile when you hand it to her.

I’d love to do that to my own witch of a MIL because of the nasty things she has done.

You have my sympathy 💐

Vanillalime · 18/04/2023 22:52

I would throw the sweets in the bin & never acknowledge them. PP is right, if you mention this to your husband you will end up looking like a loon. Your MIL is a sneaky snake.

How did she find out about the sweets originally? You need to go very low contact & tell her absolutely nothing in future.

UWhatNow · 18/04/2023 22:56

@Mingeater and @MyStarBoy - I agree that the OP’s MIL sounds mean but do we really have to include the horrid ageist slurs? You’ll be an older woman one day and it’s really hurtful I can assure you. Not all older women are ‘cunts’ and ‘witches’…

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 23:00

Time to tell her you absolutely hate Lindor and all Lindt products because they remind you of a freak Swiss skiing accident.

But seriously, you could fuck with her a bit and it would change this from feeling victimised to completely neutralising her.

I have a sister with a personality disorder and on e when she demanded money by text, I responded "I told you Nigerian scammers to leave me alone".
I lols every time I think about it, and she learned she's get fucked about if she pushed me.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 23:02

Just keep telling her you love/hate things depending on whether you want them or not.

Or if she says she hates something, get it for her and then innocently proclaim you thought she said she loved that item/theme etc.

greenthumb13 · 19/04/2023 00:05

Just throw them away and stop trying to
Please her. You never will!

TrombonesAreNotBones · 19/04/2023 00:25

One of my siblings would do stuff like like this, really sneaky and very carefully engineered situations to upset me (they bullied me dreadfully throughout childhood) We don't speak any more, as they tried to start on my kids, that was really horrible and shocking to me, previously I had tolerated it (look back now with a wtf at myself, but you get habituated to it, don't you)

I would bin the stuff without comment to anyone. Try and pull yourself and your children away from regular Sunday visits, and limit what you tell MIL so she can't use info against you.

Sympathies, it is quite unnerving and strange to have a person like this in your life.

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