Can having completely opposite ways of thinking work?

[redyellie]

My boyfriend and I have been together around 6 months now. All in all, we have a wonderful relationship. He’s the loveliest, kindest person and treats me so well.

However we both have pretty different personalities in terms of communication. I’m a highly emotional and sensitive person, I analyse everything and I let things linger for a while. He’s very logical, literal and lets things go quickly.

So if we disagree on something, or he says something slightly the wrong tone, I pick up on it. He’ll apologise but I’ll spend ages overanalysing, thinking of all the things he could’ve meant, asking questions for reassurance. He will literally just take things as they are and move on.
I can’t think of many examples right now (tired sorry!) but for example I suggested a Chinese takeaway, he said he’d prefer fish and chips as we always get the same takeaway. I take this as feeling bad because I’m predictable or he hasn’t wanted to tell me that before - he just takes it as he wants fish and chips.

So then he physically won’t understand how my brain works this way, and we will argue a little about it. It doesn’t get heated or go very far, but it happens a fair bit more now.

Another example is that I’ll feel awful if he goes to work after we’ve argued. He literally forgets about it and moves on, but I’ll mull about it all day and need constant reassurance that he’s okay.

Again this doesn’t happen a lot - but can this work? We are wired so differently and it’s messing up our communication m.

I think you're making the relationship very hard work OP, and your constant need for reassurance would drive me in the opposite direction in all honesty.

Has this been an issue for you in previous relationships?

Sounds like Al;yssa and Duncan on Married at First Sight Australia!!!

I think you could maybe do with some counselling, as I wonder how, in the example you've given, he could express his preference for fish'n'chips in a way that you wouldn't take as a criticism? It doesn't seem to be in the way he says it, you seem very insecure. Of course he needs to take care of your feelings (and you his) but if he can't even say 'how about the chippy?' it feels as if you need some support to become more resilient. (I realise this was a fairly trivial example but I think it makes your point). If he said 'fancy Chinese?' would you just say yes, even if you fancied the chippy? For fear of offending him?

It seems to be more deep-seated than a different in communication styles. How do you cope with differences of opinion or different preferences at work?

I guess I didn’t think of myself as the problem which is probably quite bad isn’t it, could it be me sabotaging?

Yes it almost certainly is down to how you are communicating.

You will wear him down soon if you keep seeking reassurance. He is allowed to have a different opinion to you. It isn't a criticism of you if he disagrees over something.

Think about the take away situation.... what would you prefer to happen? Should he have kept his own wishes quiet instead? You can surely see that would be wrong. Two people can express different views without it meaning they shouldn't be together.

He is his own person. His wants and needs don't have to match with yours. Not everything he says is about you or your relationship.

Having read your op my instinct was to say 'op - chill!' Enjoy your relationship! You will spoil it if not.

Further to my post above, in the first instance I was trying to say 'yes I think it's how YOU (op) are acting.' I don't think he's done anything wrong or unreasonable.

Honestly - I'm saying this kindly, with the intention to help - from an outsider's point of view, you do sound like you're the problem.

You sound quite needy and insecure, like you're looking for problems that aren't actually there. Have you considered counselling?

Of course, we only know what you have shared here, and it might not be the full story. But I was a bit like you when I was younger...constantly looking for evidence of negative intentions on the part of my (now) DH. Fundamentally, I think it stemmed from low self esteem and feeling a bit unlovable. I think I was kind of testing him in a weird sort of way.

If I hadn't sorted myself out somehow, I think we would have split up over it. I can see now that it was exhausting for him, and really annoying.

You need to stop overthinking things and consider whether there is a reason why you interpret his words and actions in the way that you do. Ultimately, you might decide that his lack of understanding or empathy for how you feel is a deal breaker... but I would suggest some constructive self reflection on your part first.

You'll push him away if you carry on OP. It will drain him.

It can work if you stop behaving this way. It does sound like you’re the problem. Not wanting to generalise too much but a lot of blokes are as you describe, I think in my experience women like me do tend to over analyse things more.

Maybe stop worrying / trying to please and be assertive and ask for what you want without constantly second guessing / worrying about what you’ve said. Try it for a week. It might be quite liberating.

I had a bf like you op, I adored him, he was funny, kind, the lot. I would’ve stayed with him forever but his need for reassurance and overthinking everything I said drove me up the wall. He would ask me what I meant by something & I said my answer & he would keep on. Eventually I had to call time on what was an otherwise amazing relationship.

I think maybe (in the nicest way) that you
might be creating this. Could you look at some therapy to get to the root of this? Mulling over comments all day is not healthy, nor is analysing & coming up with your own answer.