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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this gaslighting

19 replies

Bubblemachiene · 18/04/2023 15:57

Oh or soon to be ex, said something during an argument that I'd apparently said I wished he had a bigger d*@£
I was mortified as I'd never say anything like this or even use that word. Nor is the statement true. I said no way I have never said that in my life, he said "you was half asleep or you probably had a few wines when you said it but I remember it"
I don't even drink much and haven't since Christmas. Even then I don't get drunk, and I know for certain I didn't say that.

OP posts:

OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/04/2023 16:06

Definitely gaslighting and it sounds like he has some pretty deep self esteem issues to work on. Which are his issues not yours to take on.

It's a slippery slope once gaslighting begins and the manipulation that follows.

Personally, if he's going to behave like that, I would have agreed and said that he's a disappointing 3 inches short of ideal. But, I can be a raging bitch if my H tried something like that. Definitely, not saying that's the right way to handle it. But, sadly I know I would have just reacted.

KatieKline · 18/04/2023 16:06

Yes this is a classic example of gaslighting. Be glad he is a soon to be ex, his insecurity is massively showing and he is trying to get you to massage his ego, its what he is afraid of now he will be looking for a new relationship. Also I like how he is trying to say you were half asleep or drunk🙄Don't take this shit from him, and block delete ignore the behaviour.

When I was 16/17 (can't remember the exact age now), an ex-boyfriend of mine once said I talked in my sleep and was saying a guy's name, I think Liam (btw didn't know anyone by the name he said) and saying I was seeing him etc, obviously this was completely not true. I got really really upset trying to defend myself over this (oh how I see the red flag now) and then he came clean that he had made it up just to see my reaction. Wish I had dumped him straight away at the time, instead of staying with him for the next 2/3 years. It turned out he was actually cheating on me with his ex.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2023 17:18

I think you might be focussing on the wrong thing. Healthy relationships don't raise this sort of question, so as soon as something like this comes up, the focus isn't getting the right answer ('Yes, it's gaslighting', or 'No, it isn't'), the focus is on getting out of the relationship.

Unless you are otherwise respectful to each other, and he normally listens to, understands, and accommodates your feelings? Is he usually Mr Respect? I can't quite imagine Mr Respect telling his partner that she'd said his dick was too small, to be honest. Mr Respect would have walked away from anybody who did that.

Original poster

Bubblemachiene · 18/04/2023 21:34

No to be fair. I just couldn't believe it as I know its not something I'd say in a million years @Watchkeys

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 12:53

Bubblemachiene · 18/04/2023 21:34

No to be fair. I just couldn't believe it as I know its not something I'd say in a million years @Watchkeys

Well, if you know he doesn't respect you, why would you expect him to tell the truth about you, and why would you stay with him?

LadyH846 · 19/04/2023 13:09

If you know for sure you didn't say it, yes it is gaslighting. He is making it up.

Original poster

Bubblemachiene · 19/04/2023 15:49

I know for sure, even my sister laughed at the possibility of me saying that as she knows it's not something I'd ever say.
Its not that easy to leave there are kids involved @Watchkeys an other stuff going on see my other post. This is just something else what has happened which I wanted to know if I was right in thinking it was gaslighting. And wanted to check having it unrelated to my other problem.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 15:55

It might not be easy to leave, but you need to find a way. A man who lies to his partner about what she's said about the size of his genitals isn't going to be good for the kids to be around. It's amazing how much a single thing can say about a person, but honestly, he's gaslighting, lying, insecure, and superficial, and it's shown so efficiently.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 19/04/2023 15:57

What other things are going on? Sounds like it's time to move on

Original poster

Bubblemachiene · 19/04/2023 17:46

If you look for my other post pregnant & being called fat @OneMoreCookieMonster

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 17:47

hes got you muddled up with someone else

LadyJ2023 · 19/04/2023 17:48

Ignore it your better than that I can tell.Good luck.

Watchkeys · 19/04/2023 17:52

Bubblemachiene · 19/04/2023 17:46

If you look for my other post pregnant & being called fat @OneMoreCookieMonster

He's horrible, @Bubblemachiene . A horrible, immature, tantrum-prone boy. You do realise that, don't you? Abusive people aren't abusive all the time. You need to get your kids away from him. You will set a template for them that they will follow, by the way you choose to live your life. Stay with an abuser? So will they, when they are adults. Do you want that for them?

OneMoreCookieMonster · 19/04/2023 18:48

Omg you need to walk away as soon as you can. He's already chipping away at you. That's disgusting.

I'm pregnant and literally about to burst. My dc called me fat the other day H put dc back in line with a stern but compassionate chat about how "mummy isn't fat, she's pregnant and busy growing a new life. We should be proud of mummy... etc etc"

That's the type of support you need. Not outright abuse! I actually can't believe it.

you absolutely deserve better than this sorry excuse for a human

Umbellifer · 19/04/2023 19:14

My XH used to pretend we’d been places and ask why couldn’t I remember them. He’d give all sorts of details to try and “remind” me but of course they made no difference…and sometimes he mixed it up by asking about real places that I could remember (of course). Sometimes when it was just us, other times in front of other people, and we’d all laugh and say “how hopeless is Umbellifer?”

And so I got used to the idea that my memory wasn’t very good, failing even…when there was nothing wrong with it.

Gaslighting is insidious and hard to hold onto, if your DH is starting this crap then please get yourself and your DC away from him.

username1722 · 19/04/2023 21:59

Yes he's gaslighting you and probably insecure, hoping you'll say to him "of course I didn't say it, I don't wish it was bigger, I like the way it is etc etc". He's after some twisted ego boost most likely.

Good job he'll be your ex soon!

Original poster

Bubblemachiene · 20/04/2023 10:16

Thanks guys

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 10:54

Run for the hills and keep on running.

bjrce · 20/04/2023 11:05

If this is something you would never say - he's being a creep making you feel like that and is not a keeper.

Tell him you're adamant he must have dreamt it and when you dump him and he's walking out the door - Tell him

"BTW! For the record, I do wish you had a bigger D--K"😂

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