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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need A reality check

21 replies

Josiebeanton · 18/04/2023 13:56

Hello,
I will make it simple. I need someone to tell me if I’m being lead on/used by my fiancé. In February we agreed upon a temporary split where we would decide within a month or so if we should stay together after (we had been together for two years and had plans on starting a family). Now he is saying he needs longer yet stills wants sex, dates, affection etc. He wants me to obsess over him but He will not even compliment me. He gets upset when I talk about our future (ie say I love u or I can’t wait for our family) but gets upset when I’m not pushing the idea of us being together. I’m not allowed to tell people we are together but not allowed to meet new people. He is defiantly not cheating and before this he was a kind sweet man, I genuinely mean this. He is still kind but only affectionate if it leads to sex.
I need a reality check. Am I overreacting or am I being lead on?

OP posts:
twinklelight · 18/04/2023 13:57

Sounds like you’re definitely being lead on. Did you want to split in the first place or was it your partner who wanted to split?

dickdarstardlymuttley · 18/04/2023 13:58

Run for the hills as fast as you can.

Seas164 · 18/04/2023 14:01

Ew. Do yourself a favour and decide for yourself that this is not something you'll tolerate and end it.

What was supposed to become clear during the month where you split? Was there a plan or were you just to wait for his verdict?

Get rid of him, he is wasting your time and messing your head up. Whatever you do, don't bring a child into this.

Turfwars · 18/04/2023 14:04

Men go after what they want. They just do.

He's going to piss off the minute he thinks something better has came along, so please don't waste your precious time on him.

TeaserandtheFirecat · 18/04/2023 14:05

This twat will really mess up your mental health. Get rid.

Mabelface · 18/04/2023 14:07

He's living his best life as a single man, with you dangling in the background for sex. There's no future here.

KirstenBlest · 18/04/2023 14:07

He is not your fiance. He is someone who uses you for sex when it pleases him.

warmmfeet · 18/04/2023 14:10

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like a very unhappy situation.

I was stuck in something similar for 3 years. Looking back now I can see how badly I was being led on. At the time I just felt confused and hopeful. There is probably more to it than you realise, there may be other people involved. He may not want to lose you but will also never properly commit.

I know it's hard but there really is someone out there who will be proud to be with you and would never treat you this way. Imagine the type of man you want your children to have as a father. Is it him?

Be strong and leave him and wait for what you truly deserve.

KirstenBlest · 18/04/2023 15:17

@Josiebeanton , you need to tell him it's over and block him.
He's probably got his eye on someone else and is using you as Plan B.
As things are, you are probably hurting but nowhere near as bad if you thought that there was no hope you'd get back together.
Rip the plaster and let him go.

One day you'll look back and realise that you loved someone you thought he was, not who he actually is.

If you continue to have sex with him. whatever you do, do not get pregnant.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/04/2023 15:20

How can you be his fiance when he won't let you tell people you are an item?
The purpose of proposing and becoming engaged is in part to let the public know his intentions towards you.

Tell him to jog on and find another mug, he is and has always been using you, sorry op, ypu deserve better.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 18/04/2023 15:24

KirstenBlest · 18/04/2023 15:17

@Josiebeanton , you need to tell him it's over and block him.
He's probably got his eye on someone else and is using you as Plan B.
As things are, you are probably hurting but nowhere near as bad if you thought that there was no hope you'd get back together.
Rip the plaster and let him go.

One day you'll look back and realise that you loved someone you thought he was, not who he actually is.

If you continue to have sex with him. whatever you do, do not get pregnant.

Couldn't have said this any better.

What I don't understand is if you've been together for two years why aren't you allowed to tell anyone? That sounds like he's either getting with someone else, married already or definitely hiding something. Such a strange dynamic.

Can I ask you what you're getting out of this relationship? Because it sounds like it's all about what he wants.

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 15:24

Sounds like he's getting to have his cake and also eat it. You are an option to how he lives his life and he gets the access privileges of someone who cares more for him than he does for you. You are worth more than this OP. 🌹

FinallyHere · 18/04/2023 15:28

I’m not allowed to tell people we are together

Why would you accept this restriction? Honestly, why?

Ditch him.

Find someone who is proud to tell the world you are together.

katmarie · 18/04/2023 15:54

Oh come on! You deserve so much better than this! Bin him off, and work on some self respect and self worth. He is a dick, and you don't need this in your life.

Autumntimeagain · 18/04/2023 16:00

OP, he's really doing a number on you, isn't he ? 😡

So HE decided to split for a month, so HE could 'decide' whether or not he wants to stay together/get married. ( And somehow you're 'ok' with that ???) 🤔

But at the same time, YOU need to be constantly 'available' for sex, but aren't 'allowed' to tell anyone you're actually SINGLE right now, or available to date other men (because that's what he decided), and you have to act as if you're still together to friends/family ? WTAF 😳

Oh, and you've also to continually 'obsess' over HIM, and say loving things, so that he can get ANNOYED about it ? Yet he'd ALSO be annoyed if you DON'T ??

He's having a fucking laugh all right, at YOU ! 😔

Dump this wanker immediately and raise your bar above ground level my love.

Tell him that you've been thinking, and you're happier without him in your life, dictating what you say/do !

BCBird · 18/04/2023 16:04

Get rid. You can do better

frozendaisy · 18/04/2023 16:38

Ask yourself if he is what you are looking for in a husband.

Make a decision from there.

Perhaps say no sex without openness and commitment. That's not unreasonable.

Basically he wants sex. You're easy. No dates, chatting up, effort.

TempNCforthis · 18/04/2023 16:40

Have you been watching MAFS? He sounds just like Harrison. Manipulative, mind-twisting, gaslighting.

Unananana · 18/04/2023 16:44

Where is your self respect??

Stop sleeping with him for a start!

Bin the idiot. Stay single until you can work on why your bar is so low. You are worth more than the crumbs this man chooses to throw you.

GreyCarpet · 18/04/2023 17:10

At the moment, your thinking is in the present. Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Really? Your one, precious life?

Look at a photo of yourself as a young, smiling child. Is this the life she wished for herself? Is this the life you wish for her?

Is this someone who will forsake all others for you? Love and cherish you?

Tbh, I wouldn't tolerate this level of disrespect. He sounds awful.

warmmfeet · 18/04/2023 21:17

So much useful advice on this thread, I really wish I'd read it a few years ago!

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