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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I need to leave him

23 replies

Applelanding · 18/04/2023 12:14

I think I know the answer to this, I just need to hear it but I’m open to listening to all responses.

Married to DH for 10 years and 2DC, 8 and 5. DH has always been an angry person, he bottles up things that bother him and then explodes. He shouts and swears at me, will smash things if really bad and then tell me he’s going to kill himself as he takes off out the house. When he comes back I run about after him trying to placate him and make sure he’s ok. I don’t think he’s well but he won’t seek help. He says this is just what he’s like and I have to accept it. He has on occasion grabbed one of the kids to shout at them although has never hit them or laid a hand on me. This cycle repeats itself roughly every 6 months.

I’m scared of him and I think the kids are too. When he’s feeling good he’s great but these times are becoming fewer and further in between. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. He snaps at me and can be very impatient. If I make a mistake he will stand over me saying that he told me this would happen, he knew it would happen and I never listen to him. I would never speak to him like that because he would go crazy. He says he’s scared to say anything to me but I can’t see how- I’ve never reacted towards him the way he does to me. I’ve learned to just keep apologising until he stops. He won’t apologise for anything he’s done.

My DC8 did something yesterday that is typical behaviour for an 8 year old but I know he’ll lose the plot if he finds out. I’ve told DC not to tell DH as if he finds out I haven’t told him he’ll get really angry and both of us will have to deal with the consequences. I think this has triggered something in my mind and I realise I have to leave.

DH does have his good points- he is generous financially and helps with the housework and childcare. I should also add it’s not like this all the time but I’m always on edge waiting for the next outburst. However I realise as I’m typing this that that’s not enough. I think I’m right in saying that I need to leave.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/04/2023 12:41

"DH does have his good points- he is generous financially and helps with the housework and childcare"

So?. That does not at all make up for the fact that he is an abusive and or otherwise angry person. I would also think he is not that angry around outsiders or acts like this to in front of his work colleagues; he is likely all sweetness and light to them. He is doing this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He does not care for you and these types of men hate women, ALL of them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what parental example did you see?.

What you are seeing from him here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and your kids. It matters not that you're seeing this from him every six months or so, the fact is that from him is abusive towards you and in turn your children and this has further escalated.

You are correct to surmise you need to leave but you need to plan your exit with due care. This is also where the likes of Womens Aid could help you put such a plan in place. Believe me this is necessary because your children can no longer afford either to grow up within such a toxic and otherwise abusive home. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be for them, its more akin to a warzone whereby their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

SpringleDingle · 18/04/2023 12:42

Don't tell Dad because he is far too scary and unpleasant when he is angry.....

Well past time to leave I think!

Onefootinthegroove · 18/04/2023 12:44

Make plans and leave @Applelanding . None of you should be living in fear.

TheWitchingHour · 18/04/2023 12:45

An angry man who scares you and makes you tread on eggshells isn’t a good man - no matter his financial generosity or housework. I had to figure this out the hard way and stayed way too long than I should’ve.

It’s easy to say when you’re entwined with marriage, kids, home etc but honestly you will feel 100% better when you leave. He won’t change and it will get worse as time goes on.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/04/2023 12:47

There was a post just days ago of a woman who watched her mum tiptoeing around her dad and her biggest problem was with her mum for keeping her in that situation. Your dc will grow up angry with you..its tough but it will be OK once you make the decision to go or to get him to go. This can't go on. Imagine when your dc are teens and do stuff that annoy him...which they will. You will be a wreck and your home will be hell.

HappyintheHills · 18/04/2023 12:53

Yes you need to leave him, he has even said that he won’t change.
Your DC will know why they mustn’t tell daddy, that’s damaging them.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 18/04/2023 12:54

My dad was like this and it completely fucked us all up.

you need to leave.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 18/04/2023 12:55

junebirthdaygirl · 18/04/2023 12:47

And yes to this.

BringtheJury · 18/04/2023 12:57

Getting your children to lie to stop him losing his shit is terrible, I do understand, been in an abusive relationship myself but you need to leave asap before the children are damaged any further.

TwilightSkies · 18/04/2023 12:57

He will threaten suicide but don’t let that stop you from protecting yourself and your children. You have put up with enough.

HarpendenHarpendenHarpenden · 18/04/2023 13:04

It doesn't matter how often it happens. If you are living on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, it's controlling you and it's upsetting you every single moment.

You deserve better.

bracemyselfagain · 18/04/2023 13:11

The moment you have to tell a child not to tell their Father out of fear of his reaction is the moment you need to leave.
I'm truly sorry your going through this - your children too!
You cannot help a person that doesn't want to help themself; end of.

Watchkeys · 18/04/2023 13:18

Hitler had lots of good points. Very easy to get on with, good fun, liked to laugh, intelligent conversationalist. Lovey to spend time with, apparently, according to those who knew him.

See how irrelevant it is?

Bluebells1970 · 18/04/2023 13:25

Just plan quietly, and have somewhere to go before you tell him - because you know he's not going to take this well and is going to be very angry.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2023 13:30

This isn't anger, its abuse. The outbursts are deliberate in order to nake you walk on eggshells.

He's not abusive because he is angry, he's angry because he is abusive.

What you are describing from him is the cycle of abuse. He is not 'unwell' he is a sociopath or similar.

Normal people don't tend to break shit and throw things around no matter how mad they get. It us a deliberate tactic to intimidate you.

Please get yourself away from this environment and talk to your children about how you should have left long ago and we never tolerate behaviour like that from anyone. It is bullying. Amd we run from bullies, we don't hang around trying to placate them.

Considering the severity of things I think you would be wise to get your children into therapy ASAP.

But the best thing you can do for them is get out if there. No child should witness their mother being abused. Let alone, staying after that abuse. Or they will grow up thinking that shut us acceptable and normal and end up in abusive relationships themselves.

Get out of there. Do the freedom program online. Read lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that?' (Do not let him see you read it).

MyPenIsHuge · 18/04/2023 13:32

read the first few lines. Get the fuck out of there.

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 13:33

Your dc need to see you stand up to the bully and give them a safer childhood.
Or you fail them imo. Harsh but true op.

MyPenIsHuge · 18/04/2023 13:33

Watchkeys · 18/04/2023 13:18

Hitler had lots of good points. Very easy to get on with, good fun, liked to laugh, intelligent conversationalist. Lovey to spend time with, apparently, according to those who knew him.

See how irrelevant it is?

This x1000000

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2023 13:36

Eggseggseverywhere · 18/04/2023 13:33

Your dc need to see you stand up to the bully and give them a safer childhood.
Or you fail them imo. Harsh but true op.

Yes but 'stand up to him' by leaving.

He's dangerous to you. Don't waste time or energy or put yourself at risk by trying to tell a lion to stop chewing on your leg. Just get the fuck out of there.

Youd be wise to speak with women's aid too.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2023 13:45

The threatening to kill himself is also a common controller tactic.

If he does this after you leave him, don't reply, simply call the ambulance services and explain you've left your ex and he has form for threatening his life and he's doing it again currently. Let them decide what to do. If they find he is wasting their time, they'll hold him accountable. Alternatively, text his family a a 'heads up' and let them decide how to handle it.

BridieConvert · 18/04/2023 13:46

I was your DC's age when my mum finally left my abusive father. The longer you stay, the more they are going to think this kind of relationship is normal and acceptable. You need to protect your children and yourself.
Agree with others re the freedom programme, women's aid and getting your children into therapy. My sibling had therapy as a child but I never got offered it as I was always better at bottling up my feelings so everyone thought I was ok 🙄
My relationship with my mum is ok, but not great, as a result and I don't want the same to happen to you are your DC. The sooner you leave the better. Good luck ❤️

mycatsanutter · 18/04/2023 14:04

Walking on eggshells is no way to live , you will be a 100% happier on your own with the kids even if you are poorer. You owe it to yourself and your kids you only have one life .

Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2023 14:18

Leave Op for your own sake but more for your DC. When you and your DC have to lie to their DF out of fear for what he'll do it's time you were gone.

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