Would moving country change anything?

[Mummy154]

Hi,
I am interested to see what would people do in my situation.
My husband and I have some savings that we cannot agree how to use. We have two young children, I work part time and he works full time we have a pretty good routine and get to spend quality time as a family.
However, my husband has been increasingly unhappy over the years, often saying he hates the country he lives in (it is not our home country but we have been living here more than half of our lives - since uni).
he often mentioned going back to our home country which over the years I started considering mainly due to him bringing this up so often.
Life became even more difficult after our baby daughter was born. Whenever we booked any staycation he would just moan and say he has no desire of travelling in this country which would always end in arguments.
i am contemplating whether it would be worth moving back to our home country, this could mean having more family around us, currently we have none. Better quality house which we would get to build therefore more modern and comfortable, worse job prospects and less financial security, however the house would be mortgage free.
Currently we live in a decent house but it needs work and we will outgrow it in the next 5 years. We do have very good job prospects and financial security. Life can get lonely, having no family around however I have a small group of mum friends whereas my husband doesn’t go out very often end is not interested in friendships.
So the savings we currently have, we could spend on the move to our home country and put all of it in building brand new dream house or we could stay in our current country and pay 2/3 of our mortgage which probably wouldn’t change our every day life.

My concern is, although there are some positives if we moved, it is also a lot of stress and effort involved.

What would you do?

I would make the move. Simple as that.

Do it whilst your child is young. The older they get the more this will be their country and they won’t want to leave.

You don’t seem averse to it, so yes I would seriously consider it. Sounds like there will be lots of positives and I think your DH will have better mental health. A lot of people get depressed and miss their home country when they move away.

I have moved overseas and back to my home country twice now, yes it is a lot of work but it isn’t horrible.

I'd go but I couldn't think of much worse than building a house (after watching years of grand designs). Why wouldn't you just buy one?!

Move and invest straight away in a house that you love, that would rent out, near schools and that you could live in when you are old..
You can always rent it out and move back to the better job.

Move during your annual, extended holidays so that you can try out the old country and still move back if it really was not what you expected or if everything went balls up.

Make sure you have residency in both countries for you and your children before you move back to your home country..

Try renting there for a year before making any decisions.

What exactly does he think will be different.

I would move back, yes it can make a huge difference (speaking from experience)

Based on what you said, I’d move back. I’ve lived abroad twice, not for as long as you, but ended up moving back home.

It will be good to have your family around you both, especially as the children are growing up and parents are getting older. It will also be a huge benefit to own a home outright. It needs to be a joint decision, but I agree with your DH in this case.

hmmm many questions
Is DH miserable in your current country, or by nature, is he a glass-half-empty kind of person - in other words, do you think he'll be miserable in your home country as well? Would he make new friends there, or is he planning on relying on family or old friends (who may well have moved on since you left)
Worse job prospects and financial security - how much worse? You sound young. Is there honestly 30+ years' worth of job prospects in your home country? It may balance out, but will it be detrimental in the very long term?
Would you want to live in your home country? Would you likely make this move anyway once your parents aged or when you retire?
Would you want your kids to have the same or similar upbringing that you had? And if the job prospects are worse - how are the education resources?
Do you actually want to build a new house? Are you ready for that level of stress?
What aspects of your life in your current country do you really not like and have you tried everything to change them?

Moving country is massive - I'm on my fifth one. Specifically, any weaknesses in a relationship or a family can multiply in a country move, so I really urge you to think about how much you want this - as in you personally, not necessarily as a couple. And how much would really change for better or worse? If it stacks up, then, great go for it, especially while your DC is still young.

Expat wisdom is that you can never go "home". Home has moved on too, friends and family are older and a move home in an attempt to find happiness rarely works. Especially when that happiness is really an attempt to relive their child free no responsibility years.

But go back with open eyes and it may work. It will be just as stressful as moving anywhere though and that's yet more pressure on a marriage.

What are the two countries in question?

Hmm. How is it when you go back to your home country to visit? How is DH when he’s there? More content? Or is he, by nature, an unhappy person?

Do you like being back in your home country?

I think in the situation that you are contemplating , the reason for returning should be as compelling as the reason for leaving.

It is easy to have a revisionist view of life in your home country when you are engrossed in the day to day struggles of your current life. It could be great to be around family, but you would not be going back to the spots that you left but you would be assuming positions in the lives that they have created since you left.

The grass might not be greener , it might just be s different variety.

This here…
That pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about the move - thank you @turkeyboots

At a first glance the idea seems pretty amazing and life changing, in reality it may not be. It is like somebody mentioned earlier, the grass may not be greener, it will just be different.
My husband is naturally quite a negative person and his outlook on life changes with his mood quite a lot. He values financial stability very much and I am worried that in reality his mental health will suffer even more due to “loosing” steady income and savings.
As for me, I learned to appreciate what we have and I don’t necessarily want to rock the boat. I do feel pretty happy but it breaks my heart seeing my husband struggle like this. And I am worried to oppose this move in case my husband and children resent me
for that later on in life

if you think you'd be happier back there then go - rent out your house and move for a bit, see if you like it

I get your husband's feeling because I miss my home country a lot - although I know I wouldn't be able to adjust to living there so it will stay as a daydream for me

But if you think your family will be alright then there is no real point in not moving back :)

Is there really less work available? UK experience can count for a lot in some countries, and family and friend connections maybe able to help with work opportunities.

You have my sympathies, I brought my DH and DCs "home" and it wasn't easy, but worked out well for us.

Wow, that’s impressive. What made you move five times @OrchidsBlooming ? It must have been very challenging. Thanks for giving me some food for thought that’s very useful

@turkeyboots what made you move back home? Did you have any doubts returning home ?

I have lived in a few countries.
"Wherever you go, there you are" is worth bearing in mind.

Any chance of you both working as digital nomads and leaving your property here to rent out for a couple of years before burning bridges?

Or do you think it would only ever be one way for your DH?

However your DH sounds depressed - eg not wanting to go on a stay a for the sake of his own small children.

He might be exactly the same back home.

Do you both come from the same area - if not which one would you go to?

Do you get on with the ILs?

I moved mainly for jobs before meeting DH and then again a couple of times since we've been together; although the kids are older now, we'll stay here for quite a while until they finish school. Some have been easy, some much less so. Our current country I'm not loving, but I need to make it work as we're here for a while.

Can your DH be persuaded to see a counsellor or someone to talk about the desire to move home? Maybe that might force the issue of whether the move is the right answer or if something else is making him so dissatisfied.

There's a lot of truth in "same shit, different country" I've found. Certainly the first year after emigrating tested my marriage to the limit.
Also agree with PP around the idea that there's no going "home" I spent a long period in London last year and it confirmed our decision to relocate to a third country on retirement. I still love London but won't be moving back.

What countries are you talking about? If you’re in UK and considering a move back to Australia, do it, but don’t build as builders are going bust left right centre all the time. Buy something instead. Better standard of living, etc etc, my English work colleagues are in the process of helping some of their friends leave the UK for Australia because of better standard of living. But don’t go back exactly to where you came from, obviously you’d like to be near family but try a location and community you haven’t already lived in as it won’t be the same as you remembered it to be.

We are currently in the UK, home country is Poland.
It would be difficult to buy (which I would prefer) as the housing market is pretty limited and finding the right house would be impossible or ridiculously expensive.
Job opportunities seem to be fairly good but only around the big cities, which would mean working mainly remotely or a long commute.

@Followthebouncingball we have been talking about emigrating to Australia before we had kids but then life happened and it would be a massive move for the whole family. The standard of living seems to be very good and plenty of job opportunities.

We are both chartered accountants so the best job opportunities are still in countries such as UK Australia or Canada. We feel that Poland, although good, is still lagging behind in that respect unfortunately.

No decision is permanent. You can do it, then do something else if it doesn't work out.